Malcolm Higgins' Girls

That Merry and that Pip, I really
Dig those songs they write
They've got a Flatworm Trilogy that really rocks
They sure know how to get my fives

But Malcolm's getting older, now, ad-
mits he's bald and fat
And he appears to have a slight problem with booze
Like some retired aristocrat

I wish they both could be Malcolm Higgins' girls
I wish they both could be Malcolm Higgins' girls

Well Malcolm's crankin' out those songs, at
Least five, six a day
I know he's out to be the king of AmiRight
Put William Tong in second place

But that might take a few more years, and
So before he dies
It might be nice to see him get a big fat slice
Of that A-Merry-can Pippin Pie

I wish they both could be Malcolm Higgins' girls
I wish they both could be Malcolm Higgins' girls

There's been some controversy about
Merry and Pippin's sex
They use a pair of names from that Lord of the Rings
You know the bomb-ass Tolkien text

I know those guys are Hobbits but they
Act intensely fey
I don't think that Malcolm would be too displeased
If they both turned out to be gay

I wish they both could be Malcolm Higgins' girls
I wish they both could be Malcolm Higgins' girls

Girls, girls, girls, yeah, Higgins'
Girls, girls, girls, yeah, Higgins'
Girls, girls, girls, yeah, Higgins'
Girls, girls, girls, yeah, Higgins'