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Song Parodies -> "Wooden Teeth Would Bite"

Original Song Title:

"Wouldn't It Be Nice?"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Beach Boys

Parody Song Title:

"Wooden Teeth Would Bite"

Parody Written by:

John A. Barry

The Lyrics

Wooden teeth would bite back in days older.
You know who had 'em: George Washington.
When wooden teeth would bite they would get dreckered;
Wonder how he got the washing done?

It seems to me that if these teeth got wetter,
They'd start to splinter. . .wouldn't hold together.

Wooden teeth would dice up food when they supped
And impart an oaky taste to brew,
But in the mouth they would have to be tethered,
Or they might topple out in mid-chew.

If the wood were soft, they might be bending,
Even if food were soft that they were rending.
No, wooden teeth not nice.

Maple sticks; he'd pick with sticks; chiclets he'd nix and no gum chew--
Chaw tobacco from his plantation; spit out putrid puce goo.

When he kissed Martha
(When he kissed Martha)
The slivers would mar her
(The slivers would mar her)

Wooden teeth could slice.

It seems to me the more that these teeth ground pits,
The more they would crumble and be ground to bits
And he would spit out whits.

Wooden teeth sure bite!

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.8
How Funny: 4.8
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 12

Voting Breakdown

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User Comments

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Arwen - October 26, 2005 - Report this comment
Nice work..."and oaky taste to brew" made me LOL!
Rick C - October 26, 2005 - Report this comment
Maple sticks; he'd pick with sticks; chiclets he'd nix and no gum chew-- Chaw tobacco from his plantation; spit out putrid puce goo. This cracked me up..555
Lurker - October 26, 2005 - Report this comment
Mr. Barry, in yesterday's "Carrie Anne," I said, "Good day ... In case you have enough courage to do so, you can proceed to your John Drake/Patrick McGoohan parody page, where I have completed my analysis and advice for you. God be with you. If you can't find it, let me know." To this, you replied: "Lurker, you're as Delphic as you are anonymous." If, by "Delphic," you meant, "unclear" (which is not a normal definition of that word), I will say that I was referring to the "Secret Agent Man" page (on the 17th). That was the theme song for a TV show starring Patrick McGoohan as John Drake.
Ravyn Rant - October 26, 2005 - Report this comment
The "Martha / mar her" bit was priceless. Nice job!
PMS - October 26, 2005 - Report this comment
I wooden kid you, this song has bite! 555
John Barry - October 26, 2005 - Report this comment
Many thanks, Arwen, Rick, Ravyn, PMS.
AFW - October 26, 2005 - Report this comment
So I surmise from this, that in those days you could dent your dentures...interesting and funny, for fives
Rex - October 26, 2005 - Report this comment
This got me to thinking about the wooden teeth store. "Ash? I ordered Oak!" "Would you like those with or without bark, sir?" "Just in time for the holiday, pine molars!" Fun idea.
Adagio - October 26, 2005 - Report this comment
I just liked the whole idea, and the different possibilities, from imparting a funny taste....to soft wood bending as you chew. That brings up another question..Do you need to wet it and brace them after they've bent to get back to straight? hehe..5's
Michael Pacholek - October 26, 2005 - Report this comment
Actually, Washington's teeth were made of ivory. That's the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.
Arwen - October 26, 2005 - Report this comment
Oh John...let me apologize for my Michael...he's just being a killjoy. ; ) This is still FABulous.
alvin rhodes - October 27, 2005 - Report this comment
disgustingly descriptive...5s
Johnny D - October 27, 2005 - Report this comment
A case where "bark" and "bite" are essentially the same thing!
stuart mcarthur - October 27, 2005 - Report this comment
I'm thinking some teak teeth might go well with my dining setting - 555
Michael Pacholek - October 27, 2005 - Report this comment
Oh, Arwen, you silly girl, still distressed by the loss of the Brass Boot... have you forgotten? "Love means never having to say you're sorry."
Arwen - October 27, 2005 - Report this comment
I'd like to change that old saying a little bit to: "Love means never pouring salt in your intended's football related pride wounds." >: (

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