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Song Parodies -> "How to Suck"

Original Song Title:

"How to Love"

Original Performer:

Lil Wayne

Parody Song Title:

"How to Suck"

Parody Written by:


The Lyrics

Part of my "World Go Boom Supplemental" self-challenge. By that I mean that the four songs that were on the official top 25 songs of 2011 according to Billboard that weren't on DJ Earworm's differently-calculated list shall also be parodied by me, because I'm mad. First up: Lil Wayne's acoustic ballad, now about a pathetic vampire.
Sun's no longer up
Time for huntin'

I'm kinda bad at this, tryna drink your blood
It shouldn't be too hard, but why can't I figure out
How to suck
How to suck
I heard you were a virgin, should make this thing easier
But you're quite the runner, just can't get it together
Man, I suck
Man, I suck

Is my lack of slick-blacked hair the reason I'm here
Sulking in my chair, instead of draining your body
Of ev'ry last drop of blood?
Kinda need that blood

I wish I had a Renfield who could do my bidding
But I don't have one, it's not all that I'm missing
I still don't have a cape, my castle, it needs fixin'
All the foundations aren't secure
I guess my confidence has gone straight down the shitter
Hard to be a vamp when you're thicker
Than the av'rage guy, I should get thinner
I've lived for centuries, maybe I should get on Twitter

See, I wanna get some neck, keep my teeth real sharp
But I'm straight outta luck, cause I'll never figure out
How to suck
How to suck
Can't ask girls if they are virgins, these days that isn't kosher
Still a newbie learnin', must pull myself together
Man, I suck
Man, I suck

I can hide my pointy ears, fix my vacant stare
It's hard cause I smell the blood pump through your body
If I stare, I don't get blood
And that sucks

Ooohh, it's not like I can just get a blood transfusion
Need a special card for that, not like I can get permission
See a doctor? I'm dead, that's a big complication
Really thirsty here, listen to me, badly need some virgins
My, my sitch is dire, the girls these days, they ain't workin'
Half of them, they dress like whores, I doubt that they're virgins
I'd try the other half, but they just run screamin'
They read those Twilight books, yeah, those stupid books

If they're not either of those, then they're too damn smart
Spot me from a mile off, guess I'll never figure out
How to suck
How to suck, mmmmm
See, they've spent their whole life watchin' movies, that is a bother
They're too genre savvy, I can't get it together
Man, I suck
Man, I suck

And now my life's drainin' low
Well, "life" is the wrong word
Don't fit at all
Don't fit at all
Well, my strength's drainin' low
I can't even fly at all
Can't even stalk at all

Way back, when I was in my prime, I could steal your heart
Then drink all of your blood, but now I can't figure out
How to suck
How to suck, mmmmm
I could drain half of a village, I'd rest then kill the others
What in the hell happened, can't get my shit together
Man, I suck
Man, I suck, mmmmm

For the last two centuries, stuck at twenty-one
I just can't keep it up, these days can't figure out
How to suck
How to suck
Yeah, I can't hold on to a virgin, I'm stuck with this forever
Guess I'm just a failure, can't pull myself together
Man, I suck
Man, I suck, mmmmm
Yeah, Lil Wayne has an acoustic ballad, who saw that comin'? Anyway, next instalment involves Busta Rhymes...oh boy.

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Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 4

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