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Song Parodies -> "Wife of Wood"

Original Song Title:

"Life Is Good"

Original Performer:

Future ft. Drake

Parody Song Title:

"Wife of Wood"

Parody Written by:

the_conqueror_of_parodies

The Lyrics

Part of my "Something to Believe In" self-challenge. Also a part of my inexplicable series of parodies where the singer is in a relationship with a mythological being. We've gone through mermaids, centaurs, nagas, harpies and fairies, now it's time for dryads!
Hangin' with my girlfriend like usual
Though she may seem a bit unusual
Yes, if you look at us, I look a bit nuts
Wait, is her hair branches? It's true, get stuffed
Don't need your face blanchin' 'cause her skin's oakin' up
Wrong Professor, she's an elm, okay? Wait, what?
Sorry, babe, mahogany, this douchebag tripped my tongue
But not the way you do, wink, wink, nudge, nudge

How did I first meet her? I'll admit: I messed up
I got lost as shit in the forest, sucked
My phone had crapped out, horror cliché, huh
But it wasn't horde-of-hungry-beasts day, huh
I still got pain, no doubt
The shade of the trees obscured and shrouded the ground
So I didn't notice that spontaneous pit
Thought I would be in deep shit, I wished for a lift up
And then my blacked-out view filled up with this, ayy
A girl with the smoothest bark for skin, was a bit shocked
"How the hell'd you get me out that pit?" That's what I said
Hard to get to "Thank you" when there's questions I can't just skip

"Just controllin' the vines like usual"
Like plant magic ain't quite unusual (unusual)
My cheeks, hot red flashin' a little too much
Her vines were still grabbin' close to my butt
You'd think that would damage the perfect moment, but
There was understandin' 'cause she's great, no buts
Once I'd picked my jaw up, it was droopin' way too much
Said "Not used to these woods, you do guide stuff?"

It's true, man, very awkward, but
Wife of wood, well, potentially, nice
Uh

Had a thousand questions, but my lips simply didn't wanna move in sync, whoo
The way that dress from leaves made hung off her perfect frame, you can't say she's a twig, whoo
Are those leaves part of her skin? Learned later they're not, ask how, wink, whoo
Don't mean to be crass, you know our brains love to go on trips, whoo

Anyway, she's standin' right there while I'm gawpin' like a big twit, whoo
Asks if I've ever heard of a dryad and I had to admit, whoo
I've killed some in Dungeons & Dragons, not knowin' they're legit, whoo
How she refrained from droppin' my ass down that pit, I'll never get, whoo
We started walkin' through the trees, right through 'em, no shit, whoo
Each trunk's a whole portal, no forest's a maze for my chick, whoo
I can't come for the ride, that bit sure sucks, at least she can sort our direction, whoo
So we spent that day guidin' my butt through woods dark and tricky, whoo
Gettin' to know this arborous woman and all her bus'ness, whoo
How long she lives, what she dines on, what other things exist, whoo
Yeah, she asks why I'm pinchin' myself, must admit, whoo
"Seein' dryads as non-fiction's a big trip, yeah
Plus I'm tryna work out if us datin's complicated, whoo"
She whispered in my ear "Let's just first be friends", whoo
Since then I've learned a lot about magic shit, whoo
It's way more common than I thought, I'm diggin' it, uh

That was months ago, that fateful trip that totally turned out for the best, whoo
Still suck at forest terrain, but that extends our dates, so I have no regrets, whoo
Look for fairy mushroom rings to hit them with rocks, lil' shits, whoo
Should see her get mad talkin' 'bout fae, turned her tree to sticks

Her name? Her mother tongue's a real twister, but for my baby, I won't be a quitter
You asshole, I'd never quit her, you asshole, never reconsider, ugh
All of your "twig" jokes can screw, all your "termite" jokes are rude, quit all your smirkin'
In my life, she's taken root, but all of your awful dirt, it won't be workin'
Sure, I'm not long for this earth, at least compared to her, but it's all worth it
For how she makes me laugh and how she gives it back, mood's always perky
In love with a dryad, I'm havin' fun with that, don't be jerky
Uh

What's the best rock for a weddin' ring for a dryad's finger? What a sitch, whoo
If I time-jumped and explained to myself that my brain would think that, I would flip, whoo
But I need the perfect ring, she's my one true love, no regrets, whoo
She may be half-plant, but that's okay, enhances the rest, whoo

"What's the best rock for a weddin' ring for a dryad's finger?" Words I said
"What's the best rock for a weddin' ring for a dryad's finger?" Young me'd flip, yeah
"What's the best rock for a weddin' ring for a dryad's finger?" I just said, uh
"What's the best rock for a weddin' ring for a dryad's finger?" What a trip

Still need to write one about driders. It'd risk filling my brain with spiders, which is never fun. Not as not-fun as this song was to parody, though. The Drake part was fine, but then Future came in with his lifeless beat and even more lifeless voice and my brain just slowed to a dead crawl.

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Overall Rating: 3.0

Total Votes: 2

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