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Song Parodies -> "Won't"

Original Song Title:

"Don't"

Original Performer:

Ed Sheeran

Parody Song Title:

"Won't"

Parody Written by:

the_conqueror_of_parodies

The Lyrics

Part of my Pop Danthology 2014 self-challenge. When under attack, it's best to choose the best method of counterattack. This might run into problems when your mate insists on a method you have serious reservations against...
Ah-ah-la-mmm-la-a-a-la
Ah-ah-la-mmm-la-a-a-la

I think we're a-all screwed, I-I fear
You said "Du-ude, stop mopin' and help us out he-ere"
Well, I would love to, but the help you're lookin' for from me ain't
The kind I'm willin' to dish out, I won't inflict pain
So let me stun those pricks, I could pinch their neck nerves
Although I'm well aware that move would make you call me a nerd
That's preferable, ri-ight, than killin' outri-ight
I'm not takin' cheap shots or any other kind
Can I shoot strai-aight? Ye-es, bu-ud, I-I've got the proof I'm the be-e-est
You ask me "Why not put your braggin' to the test?"
Look at all the a-archery plaques round my desk
All the trophies for sharpshootin', far more than ten
And I'd happily use the-em to fight off those pricks
Throw them all right at their hea-eads, won't follow what you've been insistin'

Ah-ah-la-mmm-la-a-a-la (won't lug arou-ound guns)
Give arses ne-ew ho-oles
Ain't the way I-I ro-o-oll
I thought you would know that, mate
Ah-ah-la-mmm-la-a-a-la (won't lug arou-ound guns)
Cause I've made no-o bo-ones
About how I-I loa-oa-oathe
Any kind of boomstick, mate
Ah-ah-la-mmm-la-a-a-la

No, I'm not gonna go for a pair of pistolas
Look, why not let me take them out with these cool bolas
Sure, I've never used a set before, might not go over
That well, but at least their faces won't look like leftovers
Of bolognese pasta, any other method I'd rather
Use to take out those twats than use a simple bullet blaster
Like I could tie a long rope around thei-eir waists
Could throw a ho-ot pie in thei-eir face
But any plans I come up with get shot down
Because the one plan you want to do is shoot them all now
I dunno what's wrong with your hands that you can't take them out
With the way you push for guns, you'd think that you'd love to now
Is this just how you've worked out a way to dull my doubts
Of wieldin' friggin' guns now? Gotta be kiddin' now
I'm not gonna kill them now, though you're still insistin'

Ah-ah-la-mmm-la-a-a-la (won't lug arou-ound guns)
Give faces ne-ew ho-oles
Just not how I-I ro-o-oll
Pretty sure you know that, mate
Ah-ah-la-mmm-la-a-a-la (won't lug arou-ound guns)
This isn't a-a jo-oke
Refuse to u-unloa-oa-oad
A huge load of bullets, mate
Ah-ah-la-mmm-la-a-a-la

*Knock knock knock* right outside that door
Close to twenty goons spellin' doom, oh Lord
Let me toss a couple boulders, throw some heavy folders
Hell, lemme call the cops, they'll cap the-ese dorks
Why you tryna make this all a test (big clot)?
Cause not usin' a gun makes me no less have balls
If you set this all up, I'd be vexed (bit cross)
Not mad, it feels real, I'd have to be impressed, applause
Fine if fun was what this wa-as for
But to get me to pick up a gun? I'd a-abhor
I know you'd never do this, it's a thought experiment
In order to waste enough time for you to give up this
Idiotic time to make me want to start gunnin'
There's a time and place for that, this is not it
Let me-e kick them right i-in the gible-ets

Ah-ah-la-mmm-la-a-a-la (won't lug arou-ound guns)
Give them new a-arseho-oles
Far from how I-I ro-o-oll
How could you not know that, mate?
Ah-ah-la-mmm-la-a-a-la (won't lug arou-ound guns)
Could make them go-o ho-ome
With one bat, 'frai-aid so-o-o
Cricket bat in their junk, mate (he-e-ey, yeah-eah-eah-eah-eah-eah-eah)
Ah-ah-la-mmm-la-a-a-la (won't lug arou-ound guns) (la-a, la-a, la-a-a)
Give them new fa-ace ho-oles (la-a, la-a, la-a-a)
Not the way I-I ro-o-oll (la-a, la-a, la-a-a)
Well aware you know that, mate
Ah-ah-la-mmm-la-a-a-la (won't lug arou-ound guns) (la-a, la-a, la-a-a)
If we all ge-et smo-oked (la-a, la-a, la-a-a)
Blame's not on me-e, no-o-o (la-a, la-a, la-a-a)
You're bein' the dick here, mate
Ah-ah-la-mmm-la-a-a-la

I'll carry your books, I'll carry a torch, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, carry forward, Cary Grant, cash-and-carry, carry me back to Old Virginia, I'll even 'hari-kari' if you show me how, but I will not carry a gun!

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