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Song Parodies -> "Pristine"

Original Song Title:

"Fifteen"

Original Performer:

Taylor Swift

Parody Song Title:

"Pristine"

Parody Written by:

the_conqueror_of_parodies

The Lyrics

You ever ordered something online, only to realise once it's arrived that description was complete balderdash? I personally haven't, but I am capable of understanding the mindset...
Paid too much for this, but it's what I've longed for
Since I first saw it on the shelf that day
I was nine, maybe ten, asked at least twenty-five
If I could have it, my mum said "No way"
Now at last it's here, took a while but don't fear
No "long wait" rant here, five stars now
Least that's what I planned, but, oh boy, I just opened the case
You know, I've thrown the word "lies" around
Before

But you wrote "pristine" and implied that it was the hard truth
Somehow I believed it
This sure ain't pristine, gonna take a whole week to scrub it out
Well, now I'm pissed at all this
Why'd you lie and act like this toy was gonna be
Pristine?

Not just one scratch, like this got tossed through a hurricane
For it's deliv'ry method
Tried to give a pose a whirl, battle damage is cool
Turns out ev'ry joint is the loosest crap
I know this toy is meant to have paint, don't blame the stock art
In-hand photos aren't lyin'
By that, I mean ev'ryone else's, yours were utter bunk
I'm surprised that all the screws are still tightened
Barely tightened

Claimed this was pristine and swore up and down that's the hard truth
Why did I believe it?
Cause this ain't pristine, best believe I want a refund now
And don't you try blamin' the poor postman
I won't besmirch the good name of Steve
It's not his fault this ain't pristine

Leavin' this comment so I can comment
On this complete crap, that's your product description now
Must know I swore once the bubble wrap was out the way
You sure packed it nice, the one thing you did right
But once my gaze saw all the things right next to the toy
Accessorised? It's not, that's right

How is that "pristine"? Man, you sold that text wall as hard truth
Should not've believed it
What I'd call "pristine" isn't close to this bullcrap at all
I checked, I read zero damn warnings
'Bout the lack of important accessories
I'm takin' issue with what you said, see
Ain't pristine

La-l-la-la-l-la-la-la-la-l-la
La-l-la-la-l-la-la-la-la-l-la
La-l-la-la-l-la, you say "That's eBay"
Well, I say to that, jerk
Yes, I say to that "Who have you screwed before?"

The line about "No "long wait" rant here" is what one might call a Development Gag, as I was originally planning a different song today, which (after the first idea fell through) was gonna be about waiting a long time for a delivery. You'll get to see that parody next Monday (or Tuesday, depending if Amiright updates as regularly as it's been recently).

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