Canned nuts, I purchased for my shindig
Not much; I didn't wanna spend big
I sent out many invitations
It's my birthday... time for celebrations!
Blue funk; I'm sitting on my own now
I'm drunk...my guests are missing somehow
The time is now eleven forty
Does no one I know enjoy a party?
I'd planned to get a choc'late fountain
Two grand? That upset my accountant
I should've skipped the sarsparilla
And bought more than seven cans of Miller
OK, my social network's meagre
But hey, you'd think some would be eager
Oh dear, they must all have infections
None will hear my Kenny G collection...

I'm such a schmuck
A real prize putz
Coz now I'm stuck
With these canned nuts
Ever wonder if your mates hate you?
The punch is full
Of cig'rette butts
I'm miserable
My life's "canned nuts"
I'm as popular as bird flu...

Sweethearts are great but I ain't got one
Twist-ah played by yourself is not fun
New pants I spent a lot of cash on
Nil romance, so what a waste of fashion
I fire up the karaoke
"Tracks Of My Tears", as sung by Smokey
So blue; my tears begin to choke me
As I do the solo Hokey Pokey
A bust! Hard lessons I've been learnin'
But just as I'm about to turn in...
Door bell? Woo-hoo, we're now in business!
What the hell? It's a Jehovah's Witness!
I tell him I'll buy a "Watchtower"
If he could stay for half an hour
He said "I'm Gus from Boca Raton"
I don't care, just put a paper hat on!

We're having fun
It's me and Gus
We sing James Blunt
And eat canned nuts
Now you wish that you were here, don't you?
It's five past one
He starts to cuss
"I must be gone,
Thanks for the nuts...
But I've really gotta shoot through"

Wait a minute, Gus: Hang around, have a brew...
I like you!
I'm preparing a wonderful Cheez-whiz fondue...
It's for you!
I've got raisins and hot pornography, blue...
"Muff Slutz 2"!!!
Screw Jehovah; I want you to be in MY crew!
(Then he flew...)

Canned nuts; the only snacks remaining
No Gus- but what's the use complaining?
Time to forget my irritation
Tune in to a late-night adult station!
I cry as naked gals are squealing
I spy the fondue cheese congealing
The great big cake I bought at Randall's*
Now encased in wax from melted candles
Balloons, blown up for decorating
Too soon, like my ego, deflating
Unwrap my ONE gift in a wee rush
Freakin' crap...mom's sent a lavat'ry brush...

Next year my big day must'nt blow, man
More beer; I'll invite Lindsay Lohan
Round up young punks with naughty piercings
Buy them drugs, then watch them doing weird things
If I could fly in Halle Berry
You'd soon clear your itinerary!
I could get two (probably not three) Bee Gees
What's the use of reachin'? It's a dream for me...

Canned nuts! I'm writing in my diary

[checks date]

Damn f***! My birthday's not til Fri-dey!!!