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Song Parodies -> "Crosswords"

Original Song Title:

"Stronger"

Original Performer:

Kanye West

Parody Song Title:

"Crosswords"

Parody Written by:

the_conqueror_of_parodies

The Lyrics

Dude can't solve a crossword worth beans. Can you work out the puzzles the singer cannot AND discover the unstated joke within this parody? Answers at the bottom. Enjoy!
Whether in books or newspapers
I can't solve one friggin' crossword

D-D-Damn, I can't complete these
Infuriatin' crosswords
Need a six-letter word for "cow"
My brain's got naught on offer
Been workin' on this all day now
At ev'ry step, I falter
And it's the first question here, wow
So much for my diploma

6-across is seven letters
For "element", stupid crossword (I can't work it out)
Guess I'm just a stupid bastard
I can't work this damn thing out now

Gettin' irked tonight
What's a seven-letter word for "slight"?
I've got no other words to work off, right
But I won't ask for help in my wordy plight
Know that I stink at the mission du jour
Can't think of a four-letter word for "chore"
I scratch my head, not sure
You say "ain't this what a thesaurus is for?"
That would be lazy and heinous
Won't cheat on a test while takin' it
And I do so strive to be blameless
Though it exemplifies my utter lameness
But if you would be oh so gracious
To give me a small hint, cause I'm aimless
The one clue given here's "shapeless"
Nine-letter word, my brain's flipped, can't take this failure

W-W-Why can't I just fill these
Friggin' annoyin' crosswords?
What's a four-letter word for "gown"?
Noggin's an empty coffer
Haven't solved one in four months now
Guess I'm a sluggish solver
My default expression's a frown
Puzzles just make me sombre

18-across is nine letters
For "dominion", stupid crossword (just can't work it out)
Though you might erupt in laughter
I'm just irked at my denseness now (brain's tiny)

Ev'ry day, these things make me mad a lot
What makes me sad a lot
Is the things makin' me rant a lot?
Difficulty's "simple", that conveys a lot
Wasn't stuck on those cryptic crosswords that read:
"American broadcast secretly"
Two letters, then six, that's not a crossword, please
That's somethin' the Riddler would be scrawlin', right
Might be pullin' one more all-night
Can't find a seven-letter word for "bright"
Won't look up synonyms on a website
Because that's more cheatin', you'd be dead right
I won't solve a crossword in my lifetime
No, I'm more likely to lose my eyesight
Uh, from late night writin' fits
I am just that bad at crosswords (oh)

D-D-Damn it, I can't fill these (oh)
Excruciatin' crosswords (oh)
Need a six-letter word for "crown" (oh)
Brain's got a rubber stopper (oh)
I think I've got it, I'll write down (oh)
Wait no, that's total bollocks (oh)
Each time I think "got it right now" (oh)
It's always stupid nonsense

14-across is twelve letters
For "surrender", stupid crossword (can't work this crap out)
Wish I was a puzzle master
But I'm just dumb as a boulder (thick as a brick now)
My thinkin' skills aren't evolvin'
Determination's dissolvin'
Had more luck with Texas Hold 'em
These crosswords, I'll never solve 'em

My struggle is never over
Six hours straight, never solve 'em
Hard as hell, it's never over (uh)
I know that I'll never solve 'em
I've told you I'll never solve 'em
The truth is I'll never solve 'em
Uh, but I ain't gonna quit
I'll keep workin' at these crosswords

Y-Y-You could call me stupid
For keepin' at these crosswords
What's an eight-letter word for "doubt"?
My pencil simply hovers
Above the black-and-white printout
Answers I won't discover
Cause my brain's always on lights out
Enough to make me blubber

21-down is nine letters
For "position", stupid crossword (can't work this thing out)
Ev'ry attempt's a disaster
I will never achieve closure (cause I'm so dumb now)
13-across is ten letters
For "extinguish", stupid crossword (tried, can't work it out)
I know that it doesn't matter
And it's why I'm such a loner (no social life now)
Focusin' on these dumb crosswords
Made me lost jobs ten times over
My parents think I'm a stoner
But no, I'm a stupid loner
Never an apartment holder
I've missed my rent twelve times over
Live in a box that's dissolvin'
Damn crosswords, don't think I'll solve 'em
Solve 'em, solve 'em, I can't solve 'em
Solve 'em, solve 'em, just can't solve 'em
Solve 'em, solve 'em, tried to solve 'em
Solve 'em, solve 'em, never solve 'em

Never solve 'em
Never solve 'em
Never solve 'em
Never solve 'em
Never solve 'em
Never solve 'em
Never solve 'em
Never solve these friggin' crosswords
20-across is nine letters
For "illegal", stupid crossword
All my future hopes are shattered
Since these puzzles stole my focus
13-down is seven letters
For "enigma", stupid crossword
Sure it's not the only factor
But that's simply my prognosis
17-down is eight letters
For "concentrate", stupid crossword
Folks assume I'm always plastered
Cause I ramble and I'm homeless
19-across is four letters
For "affluent", stupid crossword
I'm no drunkard, I'm a rambler
Cause my brain won't work, it's hopeless

Answers: six-letter word for "cow" = cattle; seven letters for "element" = arsenic; seven-letter word for "slight" = tenuous; four-letter word for "chore" = task ; "shapeless" nine-letter word = amorphous; four-letter word for "gown"? = robe; nine letters for "dominion" = territory; seven-letter word for "bright" = radiant; "American broadcast secretly" two letters, then six = in camera (cause it's an anagram of American); six-letter word for "crown" = diadem; twelve letters for "surrender" = capitulation; eight-letter word for "doubt" = question; nine letters for "position" = placement; ten letters for "extinguish" = obliterate; nine letters for "illegal" = felonious; seven letters for "enigma" = mystery; eight letters for "concentrate" = condense; four letters for "affluent" = rich; hidden joke = for a guy who's shit at crosswords, he knows a lot of fancy words and phrases like "heinous", "exemplifies" and "du jour", don't he? Guess that diploma wasn't completely worthless, then.

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 3.4
How Funny: 3.4
Overall Rating: 3.4

Total Votes: 16

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   5
 5
 5
 
 2   1
 1
 1
 
 3   1
 1
 1
 
 4   1
 1
 1
 
 5   8
 8
 8
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Phil Alexander - July 06, 2015 - Report this comment
The reason I prefer cryptic crosswords to quick ones is the lack of ambiguity: six letter word for "cow" could also be "jersey"; there are a few 7-letter elements (one more here than on that side of the pond); "slight" could also mean "slender" or even "slander".. on the cryptic side, "american" as an anagram for "in camera" crops up on multiple occasions.

But well done on a tricky OS & a fun subject (for me.. I'm a bit of a logophile)
13 Letters - July 06, 2015 - Report this comment
Platitudinous...
Agrimorfee - July 06, 2015 - Report this comment
Cruciverbalistic!
! - July 06, 2015 - Report this comment
Irksome drivel Security Code is DUM!!! How fitting!
Matthias - July 16, 2015 - Report this comment
I think this one is a brilliant idea to a really hard song and the fact that the parody forms an actual function crossword puzzle is outrightly amazing as well. I think I found the winner of this puzzle!
Antidisestablishmentarian - July 21, 2015 - Report this comment
Five letter word for a great parody? Fives!
Blaydeman - July 24, 2015 - Report this comment
(Artistry) This was a very cool idea and you did a great job executing it I liked that you had all the answers at the bottom (it would've driven me crazy to not know). I'm big on crosswords, I do them all the time, so this really hit the right spot for me. Overly funny? Not really, but I'm still sold on the idea. Great write!!
Max Power - July 27, 2015 - Report this comment
These things are a good way to kill time.
Syncronos - July 28, 2015 - Report this comment
Not a single solitary subpar superfluous syllable. Syncronos says 'superb!'
Abbott Skelding - July 28, 2015 - Report this comment
Excellent pacing, a lot of solid rhymes...and the fact that you actually had answers for each of the clues mentioned in the parody (rather than just making it a "random list" spoof) made it that much better! Well done!

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