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Song Parodies -> "Mattress"

Original Song Title:

"Heartless"

Original Performer:

Kanye West

Parody Song Title:

"Mattress"

Parody Written by:

the_conqueror_of_parodies

The Lyrics

Part of my "Blame It On The Pop" self-challenge. Sleeping well is an important part of not wanting to eat people the next morning. This guy isn't really lucky with it...
Ev'ry night, I turn and toss
A peaceful sleep I haven't got
And to blame for my sleep woes, this one I know
Is my lumpy old mattre-e-ess
I need a nice new mattress
Oh, gotta replace my mattre-e-ess

I cannot sleep, bro
My mattress has more lumps than oatmeal, yo
Can't remember my last really good sleep, though
I'm not suprised, my pillow ain't helpin' me, yo
From the lumps pokin' my brain through my skin, dude
Would've switched it, I'm afraid that I'm skint, dude
Ayo, don't have any couches in my flat, see
Ayo, and I don't trust the floor to be clean
And so I'm stuck here on my mattress and I can't sleep
It feels like I'm sleepin' on some concrete
Covered in pillows, but they don't help me
Like The Princess And The Big-Ass Pea

Ev'ry night, my sleep is nought
No dreams or nightmares, just a lot
Of lumps stretchin' from my toes up to my nose
It's this shitty old mattre-e-ess
I really hate this mattress
Oh, I gotta ditch this mattre-e-ess

But it ain't the only thing wrong, though
The springs inside the mattress just won't shut their ho-oles
Wish the friggin' things wouldn't squeak so
Some say it's sexy, but I say no-o
They're friggin' loud, bro, less squeak, more groan
Hear the way they moan, sound quite sick, bro
Need more oil than my last fuel-up
Rust-encrusted so much, I see red, bro
At times I have a thought when I try to sleep
What if this is the time that they break on me?
Will I get all impaled, it freaks out me
It's just another thing that prevents my sleep

So each night, don't sleep a jot
Cause peace and comfort, I have nought
Hard and lumpy, springs that groan, it's such a load
Such a really crap mattre-e-ess
I hate this stupid mattress
Oh, gotta replace this mattre-e-ess

Toss and turn and turn and toss
I can't find the land of Nod
Sandman, could you help me, dude?
Sleeping pills, just leave a few
I think the problem might be me
I could just really suck at sleep
Who the hell am I kiddin', jeez
Know what it's like to sleep
Had a few winks before
At friend's, I've stayed the night
It's the mattress, it's shite
(You know I'm right)

And so I suffer sleep loss
What little sleep I have, it sucks
Wet dreams filled with squeaky groans, it's kinda gross
Which prick gave me this mattre-e-ess
Wait, did I buy this mattress?
Oh, my fault for this damn mattre-e-ess

I seriously don't know how squeaky springs can be used as a good representation of a good shag, they'd just get on my nerves. Like I'd ever get to that point in a relationship but uh wait I didn't say um uh LOOK MONKEYS!

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 LittleLots
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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 6

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

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 3   0
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 5   6
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User Comments

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Onslaught - December 10, 2013 - Report this comment
Yes... Monkeys indeed. 5s
Max Power - January 17, 2014 - Report this comment
One of the top 5 causes of insomnia.
Agrimorfee - January 17, 2014 - Report this comment
In Kanye's case that lump on his mattress is named Kim (BAM!)
Peter Andersson - January 26, 2014 - Report this comment
There's a "can't get no Sandman action" lump of jokes (or parody) to be found here somewhere, but I better leave the search party to female writers for full (pun) exposure...
Abbott Skelding - January 26, 2014 - Report this comment
Not bad, I can't stand Kanye (and I love Grim's comment above haha), so the OS wasn't that fun to sit through haha. As far as your spoof goes, it was really well done and had a lot of funny lines ("Maybe I just suck at sleeping" being at the top of that list). $555 to get yourself a new mattress.
Phil Alexander - January 29, 2014 - Report this comment
Another non-Kanye-fan here who really didn't enjoy listening through the OS; would have been more interesting with these words instead (and +1 on Abbot's picking out the "Maybe I just suck at sleeping" line)
Max Power - January 30, 2014 - Report this comment
This reminds me of how much I want my old mattress back...*sniff*. 555 lumps for you.
Matthias - February 02, 2014 - Report this comment
I think Agrimorfee owns the comment board with that one! That's great! This was a pretty awesome parody too!
Blaydeman - February 04, 2014 - Report this comment
(SOTM) This parody rocked TCOP! Simple subject matter, but you made it work without making the jokes feel tired (PUN!) There were some pacing missteps, but rap is really rough. I actually like Kanye as a progressive artist not as a person. He experiments a lot with his music. I don't always like it, but I can respect that. This is one of his songs, I do enjoy, so I guess I'm in the minority. My favorite part was that 3rd verse/bridge. Excellent work! Loved the Sandman line.

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