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Song Parodies -> "I can take Jean-Claude van Damme"

Original Song Title:

"Superman"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Eminem

Parody Song Title:

"I can take Jean-Claude van Damme"

Parody Written by:

Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd

The Lyrics

Fellow parodist Arwen once wrote a song for SOTM that I now down the road remember as supposed to be one long violent fight scene. I already had this title sub above kicking in my sketch file, figuring a mix of battle rap and MMA would be the way to proceed, but after being chicked like that then for years that was exactly what didn't happen. As the now oldest idea in that sketch file it briefly surfaced as a candidate to be my 500th parody on Amiright, but then again I really don't do many hip-hop songs so I figured it would have been out of character, hence I choose to postpone finishing it which also gave me time to inflate it with even more hot air and to kick around with varying the choruses.

A YouTube version of the original song can currently be found here.
*Mumbling*
*Mumbling*
You wanna fight or something?
That's what I wanna hear!

You know I took down Jet Li, I sneezed down Lucy Liu
I bitch slapped old Chuck Norris, then I knocked Sly Stallone
I'm gonna knock you out, 'cos that's what I'm about
I'll press your ears together, then maybe let you hurl
You'll all be losers ladies, soon know I know Kung Fu
Then call Jean-Claude van Damme, I'm gonna beat him too
You'll scream like little girls, run like a chicken herd
No'r close you'll get to face me, left to flip the bird

So call Jean-Claude van Damme
Make him cry in a single round
I'll inflict blow, get a scratch from his fingers - no
I'm gonna let a ton of bricks bring him down
And I'll use no tricks
Just my fists, fancy shit it makes me sick
All my hits will be legit
Guys, your dicks will shrink to clits
Taking no lip, strutting my blaze
Patella, mine to nuts, reds yo face
Pimp, you're lame, you'll be shamed
You'll be rinsed, smoked to outer space
I'm a violent man, kick yo' ass
Split yo' lips, ain't no task
Knee yo' dick, have yo' trashed
I've wrestled punks in scary masks
Don't get up, I'll f*ck you up
Just get out, your woman pouts
Doze you out, single hit
Half a miss of mine had put you out
Don't try to rise, get some ice
Bitch if you try, you better pray to Christ
When yo' tryin' it's goodbye tough guy
Wife leave'ya playa, she'll be wise

But I'll leave one thing though, bruises on bums like you!
Slip away, call sick day, OK?, OK - I'm getting through?
Tell me you'll leave for somewhere, maybe I'll let you go
'Til then I'll kick your dumb ass 'til your ego-hemorrhoid blows

Cos I can take Jean-Claude van Damme
Can take Jean-Claude van Damme
Can take Jean-Claude van Damme
Can take Jean-Claude van Damme
I can take Jean-Claude van Damme
Can take Jean-Claude van Damme
Can take Jean-Claude van Damme
Jean-Claude van Damme
Jean-Claude van Damme

Don't look so strong, I think he's slow
Kinda weakly and out of flow
Yeah he's f*cked, bitchy mut
Home is back where he'll bloody go
If a fiend, I'll beat him again
I'll go whoop around, everywhere I'll descend
Every blow unkind an' he'll be done in
I'll see how much pail he's kicking then
He won't see that, blackened his eyes
I'll flip my attention to some better guy
In my stride, bitching will subside
The Brussels' man, the farm he'll buy
Cos I know that's what klutz's do
How's that lubber tried and true
I've never seen flicks so laid waste to
With one dig I would punch him through

He could crack one thing though, pimples on boils like you!
Go away, call foul play, Mayday, OK - I'm getting through?
Tell me you'll switch to ballet, maybe just up and go
'Til then I'll kick your sore ass for some doctor's x-ray show

You know I took down Rambo, I took down Bruce Lee too
I bitch slapped 0-0-7, Charles' Angels are my hoes
I'm gonna pimp you out, shiner's what I'm about
I'll stress your hair to whiten, then maybe let you curl
You'll all be crying ladies, soon know my Ninjutsu
Then call Jean-Claude van Damme, I'm gonna pulp him too
You'll crank yourself like girls, run straight out, bow and curl
No good can come from face me, you have your vision blurred

First thing you see, I'm unscathed
I have a sum o'no scars, no way
I just kick butt an' make squeal from heavyweights
They're just cannon fodder to me
Oh they go down in flames
Pale they're made, they need last aid
Stuck in the queue, whole crusades
Non arises, uh, their fate

Hands down you don't know martials
While I'm above commercials
You're all in catnip diss'nance
Way off your pussy distance
Stop bleeding on your lawsuits
Your drooling needs a faucet
You're loser-moody
Getting ready for some slaughter, totter
You reach out of your flab
Your biggest claim to fab'
Don't try to make a stand
End up nuked like Japan
Your out trick is a chic flick
Streep/Meryl I can't stand
I tell you that's your chance
My throbs will freeze my hands

Then I'll have three things shooed, dimwits and coots and you!
Go pray, call leave an' leap day, OK - I'm getting through?
Wimp out in any which way, make up an apropos
'Til then I'll kick your punk ass for my online selfie show

You know I fucked up Katniss, I made the Hulk's skin blue
I bitch slapped Jason Statham, I'd drive that Max mad too
I do not mill about, with you alfalfa sprouts
I'd say it's now or never, man exit in a twirl
You'll all be called out ladies, thrown by my Tae kwon do
Then call Jean-Claude van Damme, you'll soil his underoos
He'll pull a fast one girls, run like a rabbit herd
Might send his mum to plead me, bitching, mark my words

Cos I can take Jean-Claude van Damme
Can take Jean-Claude van Damme
Can take Jean-Claude van Damme
Can take Jean-Claude van Damme
I can take Jean-Claude van Damme
Can take Jean-Claude van Damme
Can take Jean-Claude van Damme
Jean-Claude van Damme
Jean-Claude van Damme

Cos I can take Jean-Claude van Damme
Can take Jean-Claude van Damme
Can take Jean-Claude van Damme
Can take Jean-Claude van Damme
I can take Jean-Claude van Damme
Can take Jean-Claude van Damme
Can take Jean-Claude van Damme
Jean-Claude van Damme
Jean-Claude van Damme
© Peter Andersson.

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 10

Voting Breakdown

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User Comments

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Rob Arndt - December 04, 2015 - Report this comment
Reminiscent of DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince's "I Think I Can Beat Mike Tyson" rap song! 555!
Peter Andersson - December 05, 2015 - Report this comment
Thanks Rob, I wasn't familiar with particular Will Smith song, but I am now!
Rob Arndt - December 05, 2015 - Report this comment
Peter, glad you enjoyed that. I still like all the old hip hop songs. My fave DJ Jazzy Jeff & the Fresh Prince song is "Who Stole My Car"... try that one off YouTube ;-)
Peter Andersson - December 05, 2015 - Report this comment
Rob, how about "Nightmare on my street"? I'm not sure if it was a soundtrack song or on regular album, but it's totally great!
Rob Arndt - December 05, 2015 - Report this comment
Yes, I know that track well from '88. Another favorite from their third album was "Girlie had a Moustache!!!"

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