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Song Parodies -> "Dave"

Original Song Title:


Original Performer:


Parody Song Title:


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Below Average Dave

The Lyrics

I'm at
My soda's flat but I'll be up late
Working on scripts and all
So they don't get attacked by hackers
and my client' don't call
and if McAfee worked it would all be great
but sometimes their service falls
Damn the spammers
Want to go to bed
Can't go to bed

So now I'm up late and reworking
my standard firewall
How can I keep all of the porn out
That jerks upload all fall
and you know it's no good to be a nag
'cause they won't listen at all
I build websites
but sometimes it's bad
It can be bad

Norton, a virus got into my damn system
I paid my bill, I update, and my protection is still grim
I got two Trojans man they're something, makes my PC talk Sims*
There probably was a weakness in my scripting, left them open
I hope I didn't make my passwords too easy when I made them
but now today--checked it, site is down, so is my laptop
Some angry Russian dude is trynta make a transfer
Checked my account after, guess how much he syphered
Enough to buy out Turkey*
He left a thank you that was quirky too--I'm angry
Thought I was safe from crime rings because I had bought some protection
but I find brand new adware everyday, but I don't open spam
I even catch the low techie crap that I thought was canned
My hard drive's full of damn spyware and gross porno man
I hate that things go down each morning too, it drives me mad
Anyways, this whole thing's really sad, call me back,
Things went whack, I need help, it's getting bad
Just a tad

I'm afraid that I might lose my mind-I
can't stand this crap at all
For every one site, got twelve windows
Makes my connection crawl
and if I bought me a brand new PC
Wouldn't take long 'fore it falls
It angers me
Yes I get so mad
I get so mad

Norton, I think your email is broke, My software needs enhanced
this is sad- I just wish you'd fess up and write me back
If my warranty doesn't cover it or your not sure I need to know dude,
but you've gotta admit ignoring me is so rude
I had bought the two year plan, it's only five weeks old
You said "You're safe" and I was sold to you,
Not much later, and my brain's like "Woah"
My website's dying man - and my laptop's being vile
It's threatening me bad daily man, I think that it may also be true
It's getting bad bro, I just heard it make a big boom
Will it ever get back to normal - It really made me so blue
My password's cracked - and it stole my CD from the tray
and my bank said I just bought a Beamer
My credit's ruined these guys are getting meaner
I don't know how much of this is really going on
I get new warnings on EBay-saying pay for Sweedish thongs???
Turned it off don't know what else, turns itself on when I leave the nest
I even caught it buying monkeys in sleek velvet vests
When I unplug it, it makes loud creepy hissing noise like it speaks
It's really scaring me, It's getting really hard for me to sleep
See if you had told me this-no deal, and I would have never gone and bought it
I may sound quite anxious 'cause I'm fighting with this each morning at seven
and late at night I'm in bed it turns on, on it's own
I'm not sure what's going on but please send somebody out
You gotta help me man, I'm scared that my PC may soon get loose
Urgently sent, Dave-
P.S. If you don't, I will soon sue

(Norton Response Team)
This is an automated message
We will return your call
The problems that you are describing
May be your Firewall
and if it's not make sure it's turned on
Or it will not work at all
Thanks for calling
We will call you back
We'll call you back

Stupid-Little-Auto-Calling-Lame-@$$-Man ,
This computer's chasing me with a red hot frying pan
It's been eight weeks since I wrote - Did you ignore it?
This thing is trying to kill me
and I think that you may behind it
So this will be my last time calling you, After I kill it
I'm in my bathroom now, I've got the door locked, been here four days
Oh crap, I think it found my big knife, Am I gonna die?
Do you know how to stop it from killing, or Playing country all night
I think it's going to break through my door--hear it moaning
and cussing, I'll run through the hall, run to my car, No Engine!
That damn PC did this, It even cut the lines--no phoning
It dug a grave - I'm running to my neighbors now, it's smelly
Oh my God it killed my neighbor's kittens and their dog
I think I see it chasing me near by in that thick fog
Where to go now?, For me it's coming after, Throwing it's chips
I've lost it now, This must be a dream but I can't dismiss it
And when I pinched it hurts and it's got blood typed up in bold print
It took out my legs with grenades and now it's coming for me
NORTON! (random dude screams)
Holy $hit! It just killed a cop!
Norton, you really need to protect me from this junk
'cause soon I think I'll be choked, it might dice me up, I think that I'm screwed
I thought the price was great while at the store, I'm mad at them too
Well, hear it goes, I'm gonna get chopped up now
Oh man, here it is, I need to know what button do I press now?

(Davinem dies a painful death to the computer)

You should have shut me down at night-I
Wanted a break that's all
All of the problem's you were having
Was just me trying to stall
and maybe my next owner can treat me right
but today you take the fall
I will drop you
now your life will end
your life will end

Dear Dave, we meant to contact you but we thought you were crazy
You said your email is broken now, that's not us now buddy.
Look, I really think that if you'd bring your laptop back
that we could fix it or we'll replace it, even find out if something's cracked
We're sorry that your website had gone down, we'll reimburse you
Don't think we will not cover that or fix it just to spite you
But what's the deal about the Russian who had used your cards too?
You must protect yourself from stuff, c'mon - how stupid are you?
We'll send a tech out Dave, Your email's showing "bouncing"
I hope you stop denouncing all our programs like we're just scum
And what is it you're smoking, should I bother
You tell the worst lies and make me wonder who's your mother
How the hell's a lap-top going to attack another
I'm not trying to call you a liar
I think you are getting higher
Think you are going out of your mind
Before you call again, I think you need to sit back and unwind
You need to wait a little, I hope that you will understand
That's not a demand. Must protect our brand, because we are still under-manned
Just one second I'm going to read news quick
I saw this one story over on Yahoo that I must go and click
The headline said that a laptop made him die
I want to see what it's about, before I finish this reply
Oh-it says the laptop grew legs, it says it somehow became depraved
Who's it all about,
vic's name was
it was Dave
Woah. . .
This has been a Below Average Dave production, All Rights Reserved

*Turkey is a country, and Sims is referring to the Sim made-up language that all characters in the Sims PC game speak, basically it's like listening to Kenny on South Park, now and then you can understand or make out a word, but it's generally unintelligible.

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.7
How Funny: 4.7
Overall Rating: 4.7

Total Votes: 19

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   0
 3   0
 4   1
 5   17

User Comments

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Matthias - April 14, 2009 - Report this comment
Crazy stuff here as usual Dave, and on the hardest of the Epic 40 to boot. You haven't been doing the Epic 40 for awhile now, but this one was a great way to come back with them. The last "letter" was like a scene from a horror film, I LOVED IT!!!
Mark Scotti - April 14, 2009 - Report this comment
Wow! Epic isn't the word! Fantastic job there, dave!
TJC - April 14, 2009 - Report this comment
I echo Mark & Matthias... incredible job on a marathon OS... perfectly suited to the endless struggle between haxxors n' haxxees! I'm praying my AVG Free saves me from Davinem's fate...
Claude Prez - April 14, 2009 - Report this comment
This is really impressive. Wonderful idea; very well executed.
Tommy Turtle - April 14, 2009 - Report this comment
Norton stinks. Get a free AV like Avast or Avira (google them). They're better than what you pay for. Get rid of that junk IE and go to Firefox browser with the NoScript add-on (both also free, so this ain't sp*m post, please!) DKTOS, but impressive, uh, "epic" (no other word fits better), and a lot of truth here. Nice one, Dave. 555+
Below Average Dave - April 14, 2009 - Report this comment
Thank you Matty, Mark Scotti, TJC, Claude Prez, and Tommy Turtle, this one was a rewarding write and I'm very happy that it came out the way I wrote it.
Red Ant - April 14, 2009 - Report this comment
Holy crap, this is impressive! "Stan" is probably Em's hardest song to parody, not only having crazy rhymes but a lot of lyrics and being story telling. You told a great story here, and kept it interesting and funny throughout. Major props.
kevin - April 15, 2009 - Report this comment
wow i'm impressed again jolly good show liked the davinem notes i wish i had the time
Stuart McArthur - April 15, 2009 - Report this comment
wow, brilliant Dave - the way your story followed the contours of the OS story was amazing - great work on a tough OS - 555
Below Average Dave - April 15, 2009 - Report this comment
Thank you very much Ant, Kevin, and Stu
Cody Slusher - April 18, 2009 - Report this comment
Do one of " We Made You" by Eminem. I am thinking of that. BANNANA PUMMMMPPP.
Mark Scotti - May 15, 2009 - Report this comment
SOTM - As I wrote earlier, this was one monster of an epic, Dave!!!
Leo Keough - May 17, 2009 - Report this comment
SOTM - Great take on a subject most of us can relate to...555!
Claude Prez - May 18, 2009 - Report this comment
Once again, very very impressive.
Peter Andersson - May 20, 2009 - Report this comment
Can't come up with witty comment, my mind's been hacked...
Matthias (SOTM) - May 29, 2009 - Report this comment
Well the Youtube video sucked it pretty much bleeped every other word, but what do you expect by Mr. Swear Box himself Eminem. Anyways this one was friggen fantastic Dave I can't believe that it hasn't got a lot of points yet, seriously, a laptop growing legs and chucking gernades at somebody is so far fetched that it becomes hilarious!
bobpiecheese - May 29, 2009 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Woah. Death by crappy computer with crappy software. Didn't see that coming from the title. Amazing job, Dave, 555 for sure!
Phil Alexander - May 30, 2009 - Report this comment
Fantastic, Dave. And I agree with TT - Norton AV sucks.
Glen S - May 30, 2009 - Report this comment
Points for the epic narrative and the pacing, Dave. My girlfriend and I enjoyed it. THought the killer e-mail was very funny.
Invisible Boy - May 31, 2009 - Report this comment
Gee time why don't you try to parody something easy like "Gone With The Wind" ?
Seriously, this was great and you have my respect, man, because I can just imagine how much work this took.
Arwen - May 31, 2009 - Report this comment
SOTM...I can't even wrap my brain around the amount of work that went into this one, Dave. Anytime anyone parodies Eminem I'm floored...but when they do it well...I'm blown away. Excellent job!
unKownVo - May 31, 2009 - Report this comment
0h, D A V E . . . . my favorite name . . . but all of the Dave's of the world need ' Anger Management ' classes ! !
Jeff Reuben - May 31, 2009 - Report this comment
SOTM: Very well written to a very tough OS. The pacing was excellent. I wasn't blown away on the funny side with this one. It was good, and I got laughs, just wasn't blown away (don't take that badly because this was an epic effort)

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