Bedroom excitement we needed to boost;
(You can’t get too hot reading Borges and Proust…)
We checked out “The Art of Ecstasy”--
As soon as we finished Chapter 3
Then we commenced to barin’ all!

We ripped off our clothes and did yoga for hours;
And acted out nude scenes from both “Austin Powers;”
We gave Hindu names t’ our private parts,
Blindfolded each other in the dark
But damn, the sex went horribly wrong!

So we had a bad lay,
You shaved your lowdown,
You wore a plaid thong but you turned it around!
Some things we don’t know;
They say improvise,
I gave you massage with some garlicky fries!
We had a bad lay,
At least we weren’t bored--
But when we laid down bubble wrap on the floor,
We had a bad lay!

A REALLY bad lay!

(Piano solo, uncomfortable squishing and popping noises)

When we needed lube, tried hollandaise--
Resorted to rancid butter spray,
And fried goat cheese don’t turn me on!

You slathered paté,
It made your buns brown,
It kind of felt wrong, we belatedly found!
I sprayed you with Coke,
My tongue you don’t like,
Banana’s too cold and persimmons too ripe!
We had a bad lay,
You bound me with twine,
At Abu Ghuraib, woulda been a new crime!
We had a bad lay…
(Ooh…hollandaise…)

Even Viagra’s timing can stink
And the hole thing turns out wrong!
I bite your naked rack and your toes
Were caked with steamed clams oh so strong--
And my poor schlong, yeah…

So where is the passion when you’re feelin’ just gross?
Don’t you deny
Victoria’s Secret and the Frederick’s costs!

‘Cuz we had a bad lay,
I wore your nightgown,
We boned a sad frog, he was jerkin’ around!
You say the book blows--
I tell you, “No lie!”
We freak for a while but we’re drawin’ some flies!
We had a bad lay,
With bagels and lox,
The hummus congealed, my colon’s blocked!

We had a bad lay!
A REALLY bad lay!
Aaaaaaaargh….
Had a bad lay!
Aaaaaaaargh…..had a bad lay!
Aaaaaaaargh…..had a bad lay!
Aaaaaaaargh…..