What happens when all of your hair is lost?
You swear at the mirror and hit the bedpost.
Its bad enough your hair turned gray.
Planes think your head is a runway,
And scaring girls just seems so wrong.

You hate it when people call you granpa.
You're out of style and scarier than Cujo.
You say your head burns from sunshine,
Your skins peeling off every single time,
And scaring girls just seems so wrong.

So you got a toupee.
You look like a clown.
You wear a bad rug and it makes you so proud.
You had a chrome dome.
You wanted to die.
You've got no style and something to hide.
You got a toupee.
The mirror don't lie.
You look like a clown.
Are people that blind?
You got a toupee. You got a toupee.

Well all you need is a hearing aid.
Can you hear women yell stay away?
And scaring girls just seems so wrong.

You got a toupee.
You look like a clown.
You wear a bad rug and it makes you so proud.
You had a chrome dome.
You wanted to die.
You've got no style and something to hide.
You got a toupee.
The mirror don't lie.
You look like a clown.
Are people that blind?
You got a toupee. (squeaky voice) Oh you got a toupee.

Every time you go on a date you get a drink and the girl leaves.
Now you're alone.
Don't have a panic attack;
Just think if you had passed a kidney stone,
But you're still alone. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.

So what happens when all of your hair is lost?
Oh you just cry.
You swear at the mirror and hit the bedpost.

Cause you got a toupee.
You look like a clown.
You wear a bad rug and it makes you so proud.
You had a chrome dome.
You wanted to die.
You've got no style and something to hide.
You got a toupee.
You've got no love life,
And for the cats' fleas its party time.
You got a toupee.
You got a toupee.
(squeaky voice) Oh what are the neighbors gonna say,
Oh, what are the neighbors gonna say.