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Song Parodies -> "Twelve Utah Christmases"

Original Song Title:

"The 12 Days of Christmas"

Original Performer:

Traditional

Parody Song Title:

"Twelve Utah Christmases"

Parody Written by:

Spaff.com

The Lyrics

Hopefully some of this will make sense to those of you living outside of what Brigham Young christened The Right Place. I was going to provide footnotes, but they would be lengthier than the song itself. So if you are wondering how to rate the "How Funny" because you don't get some of the jokes, just take my word for it that they're all knee-slappingly HILARIOUS. At least that's what Mom says.
On my first Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Popcorn popping on the apricot tree

On my second Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Two years on a mission
And the Smart family on my TV

On my third Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Three Degrees of Glory
Two years in Australia
And a First Amendment controver-sy

On my fourth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
4-A high school roundball
Three Sunday meetings
Two years in Korea
And that business with the SLOC

On my fifth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
FIVE-QUART ICE CREAMS
Four firing squads
Three scrapbooks
Two years in Peru
And a movie that's G or PG

On my sixth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Six kids and counting
FIVE YEARS OF DROUGHT
Four quilting bees
Three meth labs
Two years in Japan
And a reservoir that's almost emp-ty

On my seventh Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Seven singing Osmonds
Six kids and counting
FIVE TOM GREEN WIVES
Forbidden love
Three spudnuts
Two years in Brazil
And a single poli-tickle par-ty

On my eighth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eight cups of Postum
Seven kids and counting
Six beehive hairdos
FIVE MONTHS OF SNOW
Forty private clubs (for members)
Three-two beer
Two years in Taiwan
And a salty lake that's really stink-y

On my ninth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Nine percent minorities
Eight kids and counting
Seventies in Conference
Sixteen to start dating
FIVE FEET OF SLUSH (Oh my heck!)
Forgeries for sale
Three-piece suits
Two years in Ukraine
And a fiancée in Happy Vall-ey

On my tenth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Ten bucks for parking
Nine kids and counting
Eight missing off-ramps
Seven guns per person
Six famous golfers
UTAH BY FIVE
Fourteen ski resorts
Three fault lines
Two years in Detroit
And a minivan or SUV (or both, plus a station wagon)

On my eleventh Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Eleven Mormon temples
Ten kids and counting
Nine NuSkin neighbors
Ate at Chuck-a-Rama
Theven thpecial thpiritth
Six Jell-o salads
FIVE ORRIN TERMS (Oh my Hatch!)
Forecast is cold
Three Eubanks (three?)
Two years in Tibet
And an uncompleted Lega-cy
(Highway)

On my twelfth Utah Christmas, my true love gave to me
Twelve-year-old deacons
Eleven kids and counting
Ten percent tithing
Nine zillion seagulls
Ate a bunch of crickets
Seven Peaks in Provo
Six hours to Vegas
FIVE PRO SPORTS TEAMS (if you count indoor football)
Four standard works
Three Nephites
Tooele ROCKS!

And a Robert Lund Christmas CD!
(Elves Gone Wild!)
2003+ Spaff.com. In case you missed that shameless plug, you can get this on the CD Elves Gone Wild!

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.0
How Funny: 4.4
Overall Rating: 4.3

Total Votes: 94

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   7
 5
 8
 
 2   4
 7
 5
 
 3   15
 3
 3
 
 4   26
 12
 17
 
 5   42
 67
 61
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Steve Kalafut - December 19, 2003 - Report this comment
I visited Utah last summer, and they were in the middle of "five years of drought". And I've even read enough of the Book of Mormon to know who the "three Nephites" are.
Arwen - December 19, 2003 - Report this comment
Spaff...though not born and raised there, I moved to SLC after college and lived there for 4 years...(I just barely left)...and I am RIGHT there with you on this song...I think it's fabulous! Tell your mom she's right...=)
Spaff.com - December 19, 2003 - Report this comment
Thanks, Steve and Arwen. And Arwen: Where, exactly, is Utah's Elvish community? Somewhere in the woodlands near Park City?
Johnny D - December 19, 2003 - Report this comment
From The People's Republic Of Taxachusetts, on behalf of His Excellency Governor Mitt Romney, thou shalt receiveth three fiveths.
Arwen - December 19, 2003 - Report this comment
While I did spend much of my time up in the Cottonwood Canyons...both for work, and for recreation...my actual Elvish Abode was a bit far off from the beauty of that region...yeah...I lived in Kearns. I've come to terms with it.
Michael Pacholek - December 19, 2003 - Report this comment
The only thing excellent about Mitt Romney is that he's slightly less sanctimonious than his father. But Will Durst had the best Utah joke ever: "In the NBA Playoffs, I'm rooting for the Utah Jazz. I can't wait to see the fans' celebration. Yay! We won! I'm staying up 'til 11! You watch, I will! Let's brew some tea!" He then went on a thing about how they started in New Orleans, where "Jazz" made sense as a team name, then did a bunch of team names that don't make sense, like "West Virginia Unrelated Neighbors," "Fresno Fun," "Arkansas Beatniks" -- after all his Clinton jokes, he should've known better than to use that one -- and closed with "Los Angeles Lakers!" Frank Layden once said LA and Utah should swap names, so it would make sense: LA Jazz and Utah Lakers.
Stockton - December 19, 2003 - Report this comment
Finally, a TDOC parody where you now have to read the whole thing instead of dragging top the bottom to see it.
Spaff.com - December 19, 2003 - Report this comment
Johnny: I heard Ben Affleck say that he was going to marry his sweetheart Matt up there. Please see if you can get me a press pass.
Arwen: Ahhhh, Kearns. We locals refer to it as Lothlorien.
Michaelopedia: Sorry, but even the most raucous celebrations wouldn't start the tea flowing. And, hey, Utah has a vibrant jazz scene - I think there's a club in Salt Lake that has a jazz night every other Tuesday. So "Utah Jazz" makes total sense.
Stockton: I'm still bummed that you retired.
Stockton - December 20, 2003 - Report this comment
Who said I retired? I just submited a parody not to long ago.
Stray Pooch - December 20, 2003 - Report this comment
I may have to refer to this in my Gospel Essentials lesson tomorrow - lol!! Trust your mom - this is hilarious! The minute I read "popcorn popping on the apricot tree" I knew I was in for a hoot. I love some of the clever "number" uses such as "three-two beer", "Forgeries for sale" and "nine zillion seagulls ate a bunch of crickets!" Though I am not from (ahem) "Zion" I got just about all of the jokes. I also enjoyed (as a previous poster) that each verse was different, which not only made it more enjoyable, but also took a lot more effort on your part. Just a great job!
Spaff.com - December 22, 2003 - Report this comment
Stock: I know you're still around. After a post about the Utah Jazz, the next comment was from you, so I couldn't resist a Johnny Stockton joke. Sorry for the groaner at your expense.
Brother Pooch: So how'd the lesson go yesterday? Thanks for the detailed feedback. If, however, you got the 3.2 beer joke, you probably should schedule an interview with the bish.
Meriadoc - December 23, 2003 - Report this comment
This was great! I loved the seagulls and the crickets!
Spaff.com - December 23, 2003 - Report this comment
Thanx, Brandybuck. If you got that, you hobbits really do get around.
Ashkicksass - May 24, 2004 - Report this comment
Yeah, yeah, yeah, still trying to read everything so I'm late again. But I was born and raised in Salt Lake, and this is the BEST Utah parody I've ever read. I laughed my ass off! Bravo, and thank you!
Spaff.com - May 24, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanx, Brother Kicksass. You still around, or did you move on to establish Zion elsewhere? If you liked this, you really gotta check out "Jell-o" (another collaboration with Robert Lund): http://www.spaff.com/poesy/jello.html
Ashkicksass - May 25, 2004 - Report this comment
Just read Jello. LOL - here's another Bravo. I'm still here in the land of the funny underwear. I don't think there's another place in the U.S. that 's as fun to mock. Thanks for doing such a great job of it! Oh, and by the way, it's Sister Kicksass.
Spaff.com - June 17, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanx, Sister Ass, and sorry for the gender confusion - there seems to be a lot of that on this site.
Cookie-man - July 17, 2004 - Report this comment
I love this parody and look forward to hearing on the radio every Christmas. I also live in "Zion" and unfortunately got every single joke in the song. ;) My favorite was the popcorn popping line ( since I teach music to the youg uns) Great work!
Spaff.com - July 17, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanx, Cookie Monster. ANOTHER UTAHN?! Wow, for a place with no more electoral votes than West Virginia, we're sure representin' HERE.
Spaff.com - July 17, 2004 - Report this comment
P.S. Since you and Brother Pooch have both mentioned the popcorn line, I need to credit Robert Lund for that. And for the whole concept, actually. In the 90s he wrote and recorded "The 12 Days of Utah Christmas," with lines that repeated every verse like the original. It became something of a holiday staple on local radio. Last year, while writing stuff for his Elves Gone Wild CD, I took his parody and dumped all these new lyrics on top of it. I kept some of the original lines, including the best one: "Popcorn popping on the apricot tree" (which, for you outsiders, is the title of a popular Mormon children's song). So you could say that this parody is a parody of Robert Lund's parody. Dig?
Cookie-man - July 19, 2004 - Report this comment
I'm down with it brother Spaff. ;)
PhoenixRose - November 29, 2004 - Report this comment
After 10 years in Utah, someone FINALLY got it right. There's only a couple things you forgot (maybe you can squeeze them in another spoof?).. One Main Street Plaza, two conference weekends, and the ban on cruising State Street. Thanks so much for the laugh.
Asby - December 13, 2004 - Report this comment
An absolute hoot!! A MUST SHARE with all family & friends in the UT region. My fave reference is (in the background) two years in Magna. That poor, poor biker. The in-laws, from the west decided this cd was a must buy when they heard "Tooele Rocks!" Great job, I can't even imagine how you do it.
Spaff.com - December 19, 2004 - Report this comment
PhoenixRose: No, thank YOU. Great suggestions. The "First Amendment controversy" line is my reference to the Main Street Plaza (but left generic to cover the next free-speech scandal), and I got the "Seventies in Conference," but I totally missed the "cruising" ban. Thanks again.

Asby: "Two years in Magna" was a studio ad-lib by Robert Lund. I'm glad that you and the in-laws like it.
Toni Daugherty - December 29, 2004 - Report this comment
I was born & raised in Utah but have lived most of my adult life (the last 20years) In Los Angeles. Having just returned to Utah & being reminded things in my childhood, I find this song hilarious! I really appreciated the laughs! Thanks. I'm buying one for me & for my friends. Toni MD
Spaff.com - January 12, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanx for the comment and the order, Toni. And I can relate - you try to get out but they keep pulling you back in.
Kerstin - July 06, 2005 - Report this comment
I liked the parody cuz growing up in Utah I know the jokes about it. It was great. I enjoyed it. I always enjoyed hearing it during Christmas. It's great. Good job.
Spaff.com - September 12, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanx, Kerstin. I've been writing stuff for a Robert Lund Utah-themed CD. I look forward to selling you a bunch of copies.
Sweet Indigo - October 05, 2005 - Report this comment
Found this one after listening to the CD... Utter genius, Spaff, I especially love the x kids and counting stuff :D
Spaff.com - October 05, 2005 - Report this comment
Listening to this in October, Indigo? You poor poor thing. But thanks for leading me into this plug... This song will make a guest appearance on A BRAND NEW ROBERT LUND CD COMING VERY SOON.
magicuserjade - December 24, 2005 - Report this comment
Absolutely hysterical.... and SO true! Utahns, LDS or not, will love this! Makes me proud of my Utah up-bringing..... EVERYTHING in the song applies. Can't wait to share it with my whole family!
Spaff.com - July 15, 2006 - Report this comment
Belated thanx, magicuserjade. Did I mention that this is available on a Robert Lund CD? Did I mention that it's available on TWO Robert Lund CDs? Did I mention that the CDs are available at Spaff.com? Tell the whole family!
Lauren - August 08, 2006 - Report this comment
lol this is so true...i have lived in utah my whole life and this is all so true, the jell-o thing the ten percent tithing all the kids the two year missions the scrapbooks and the meth labs its hilarious. its even all more true coming from sevier county....growing up in sevier you think thats how every state is btw in wayne county they passed a law that if you get divorced (god forbid someone get divored because its against the mormon religion) but if you actually get divorced you are still siblings
Arwen - August 08, 2006 - Report this comment
"Still siblings?" If you get divorced? Like, did you become siblings once you got married? That just kind of takes the magic away for me. I knew there was a reason I kept ignoring the phone when the Caller ID read "Wayne County."
Spaff.com - August 09, 2006 - Report this comment
Hey, Lauren. I've been to Sevier County more times than I can count. As a kid I hiked up to the SS on the hill in Monroe. In college I had a crush on a girl from Richfield. So we're, like, family. Thanks for your comment. And I share Arwen's bewilderment at the Wayne County thing. (Hey, Arwen.) Divorced couples become siblings? You don't mean the Kanab "natural family" resolution, right? I gotta hear more.
Jack Wilson - November 26, 2006 - Report this comment
For those who dont havet he CD yet just wanted to spoil the best spoken line at the end of any parody ever I think is in this
"THERE'S AN ELF IN MY PANTS!!!" Oh yeah and great parody
Jamie - November 27, 2006 - Report this comment
I love this song. It's awesome! I need to buy his cd's!
Tooele_softball_gurl - December 07, 2006 - Report this comment
I loved it!!!! Especially the "TOOELE ROCKS" part!! I'm from Tooele County, first lived in Grantsville (about 20 mins from Tooele) and then about 10 years ago we moved to Tooele its self!! Go Buffs!!!
Spaff.com - December 12, 2006 - Report this comment
Local Celeb: That was a studio ad lib by Robert Lund. It's quite the fitting finale.

Jamie: Yes, you DO need to buy the CDs. If you're lucky, they might still be available at - let me verify the website again - oh, yes: www.spaff.com.

Tooele_softball_gurl: Everyone knows that it's Grantsville that REALLY rocks. And I'm TOTALLY with you on the "Go Buffs!!!" thing. I think. What's a Buff?
Jack Wilson - December 15, 2006 - Report this comment
LOL aweosme, yeah it sure is!
Tooele_softball_gurl - December 15, 2006 - Report this comment
Grantsville may ok but it does NOT rock!! I have a feeling that there's some inner-breeding going on in that hicktown!! LOL!! Sorry, that's a joke that Tooele-ens make about Gransville. BTW a Buff is Tooele High's mascot, a BUFFALO!!! Another BTW the Buffs and Cowboys (Gransville H.S. mascot) are arch rivals and have been since the beginning of time! But after this school year that may all be ancient history, because at the start of the new school year Tooele will be moving up to 4-A and Gransville will still be 3-A. HA HA!!
Spaff.com - December 23, 2006 - Report this comment
I'm not sure it's politically wise for me to engage in a debate about whether Tooele or Grantsville is the rockingest. They both rock A LOT. Besides, I've always been partial to Erda.
Tooele_softball_gurl - January 01, 2007 - Report this comment
ERDA!!!??? Why Erda?? There's NOTHING to do out there!! It's boring! Sure Tooele is pretty boring too, but we at least have movie theaters, a bowling alley, and Wal-Mart!!
Jack Wislon - January 01, 2007 - Report this comment
You just say...WALMART? www.amiright.com/parody/90s/smashmouth19.shtml
Spaff.com - January 06, 2007 - Report this comment
OK, T_s_g, you win. Nothing can compete with a bowling alley AND a Wal-Mart. Unless you can find both in the same building.

And yes, Jackie, Claude Prez rules.
Tooele_softball_gurl - January 13, 2007 - Report this comment
Spaff--Sorry, but where am I going to find a bowling alley in a Wal-mart or the other way around???!!! Jack--Am I suppost to go to that site or something??
Jack Wilson - January 13, 2007 - Report this comment
Yeahp,sure are,Tooele gurl,Sure are
Tooele_softball_gurl - January 15, 2007 - Report this comment
Jack-- I went there and read the song!! OMG!!! i loved it!!! That's freaking hilarious!!!
Robert Campbell - December 28, 2007 - Report this comment
Talked with Kraft Foods,Inc. (aka Post) today. You can call them to at 1-800-431-7678. They confirmed, apologetically, that Postum was being discontinued due to lack of customer demand. Some say it has been only recently off store shelves. The Kraft customer rep indicated that the company would be open to more consumer feedback. If you can them they will take your comments.
527 - February 23, 2008 - Report this comment
Jackie and Tooele_softball_gurl: Feel free to celebrate Claude Prez's songs in my comments *any* time. Honestly. I'd do it myself if I weren't such a slacker.

Robert: Postum discontinued? Say it isn't so! What will they discontinue next - Osmonds?
Spaff.com - February 23, 2008 - Report this comment
Oops - 527 is my security code, not my name. Clearly I've been drinking too much Postum.
Marcus - December 11, 2009 - Report this comment
Liked the song dude, however the best thing about Utah was seeing it in my rear view mirror!!!
Spaff.com - December 13, 2009 - Report this comment
Ha. I once had a T-shirt that said that same thing about Evanston, Wyoming.
LeMike - December 25, 2010 - Report this comment
Got married 3 years ago, just before Christmas, and was driving from SLC east in snow, crossing out of Utah in a rented RV to bring bride home to Philly when we heard this on the radio, I almost crashed the RV, laughing! Finally found it, so will be buying it very soon!
Spaff.com - March 28, 2011 - Report this comment
Thanx, LeMike. Buy it twice. It's twice as funny that way.

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