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Song Parodies -> "Battle Hymn of the Darwin Awards"
Original Song Title:
"Battle Hymn of the Republic"
Original Performer:
Traditional
Parody Song Title:
"Battle Hymn of the Darwin Awards"
Parody Written by:
Red Ant
The Lyrics
DKTOS? Lyrics and MIDI here. All content in this parody can be found on the Darwin Awards website.
My eyes have seen the stories that are frankly quite absurd
Go improve the human genome and your place will be assured
In the name of Darwin they will honor YOU with an award!
Posthumously (when gone!)
Reproduction not an option
Self-selection they were cautioned
Evolution fin'ly got 'em
But stupid just goes on
If you don't have any nitrous then strap JATOs* to your car
Disregard the certain danger; you'll go fast and really far
That's until the mountain comes up: SPLAT! there's nothing left but char!
Untrue but still lives on!
Bogus story ah they fooled you
But this story has some truth, too
On Mythbusters well they proved you
Can rock-it and live on!
Hear about terrific car bombs going off in Palestine
But something dif'rent happened there in September '99
Three terrorists were blown to bits because Daylight Savings Time
Confused them 'bout their bombs
Darn when terror's co'rdinated
Timers sure are complicated
Prematurely detonated
KA-BOOM! and they were gone!
Clean your chimney with a chain that's welded to a live grenade
Go ingest some anti-freeze you thought was wine that was home made
Jumping over guardrails falling to your death to get your shades
All true and freakin' dumb!
Very funny stupid stories
Have to say that some are gory
Many, many categories
Of fools, dimwits, morons!
Play a game and grab a shotgun aim directly for your jewels
Get your buddies drunk, play footsies with a landmine 'cause it's cool
Drinking shamans magic potions does not make you bulletproof
These fools are also gone
Very funny stupid stories
Sad to say that some are gory
Many, many categories
Of fools, dimwits, morons!
Forget posted train time schedules; place your ear against the tracks
If you have a petrol tanker check its contents with a match
When you're working on a car just use some batteries as jacks
Can't sue me when you're gone!
Add some chlorine to the gene pool!
Pouring chlorine in the gene pool!
Chlorine chlorine for the gene pool!
But fools will still go on!
Go improve the human genome and your place will be assured
In the name of Darwin they will honor YOU with an award!
Posthumously (when gone!)
Reproduction not an option
Self-selection they were cautioned
Evolution fin'ly got 'em
But stupid just goes on
If you don't have any nitrous then strap JATOs* to your car
Disregard the certain danger; you'll go fast and really far
That's until the mountain comes up: SPLAT! there's nothing left but char!
Untrue but still lives on!
Bogus story ah they fooled you
But this story has some truth, too
On Mythbusters well they proved you
Can rock-it and live on!
Hear about terrific car bombs going off in Palestine
But something dif'rent happened there in September '99
Three terrorists were blown to bits because Daylight Savings Time
Confused them 'bout their bombs
Darn when terror's co'rdinated
Timers sure are complicated
Prematurely detonated
KA-BOOM! and they were gone!
Clean your chimney with a chain that's welded to a live grenade
Go ingest some anti-freeze you thought was wine that was home made
Jumping over guardrails falling to your death to get your shades
All true and freakin' dumb!
Very funny stupid stories
Have to say that some are gory
Many, many categories
Of fools, dimwits, morons!
Play a game and grab a shotgun aim directly for your jewels
Get your buddies drunk, play footsies with a landmine 'cause it's cool
Drinking shamans magic potions does not make you bulletproof
These fools are also gone
Very funny stupid stories
Sad to say that some are gory
Many, many categories
Of fools, dimwits, morons!
Forget posted train time schedules; place your ear against the tracks
If you have a petrol tanker check its contents with a match
When you're working on a car just use some batteries as jacks
Can't sue me when you're gone!
Add some chlorine to the gene pool!
Pouring chlorine in the gene pool!
Chlorine chlorine for the gene pool!
But fools will still go on!
copyright 2006+ Jack "Red Ant" Fletcher *, pronounced "Jay-Toes", Jet Assist Take Off units, rockets designed to lift fully loaded C-30 cargo planes from short runways.
Your Vote & Comment Counts
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Voting Results
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Voting Breakdown
The following represent how many people voted for each category.
| Pacing | How Funny | Overall Rating | |||||||||
| 1 | 0 | 1 | 0 | ||||||||
| 2 | 0 | 1 | 2 | ||||||||
| 3 | 1 | 0 | 0 | ||||||||
| 4 | 8 | 1 | 1 | ||||||||
| 5 | 28 | 34 | 34 |
User Comments
Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.
Great work, Red Ant.
my favorite of the day....brilliant
555, a funny parody.
Excellent! What a cool idea, and brilliant execution. With this and Rick Cormier's latest, among others, the May SOTM should be trial by fire, hoo boy.
Very funny stories! Stupid is as stupid does, right? Loved the parody too!
One of my favorites is the guy who robs a bank with a holdup note written on the back of one of his own deposit slips. The police go to the address on the slip, arrest the guy, and he's probably still wondering how they caught him. A most excellent parody.
Hilarious one, fives
The gene pool, it get strengthened when the stupid are removed
It's natural selection so what's left is much improved
And it can be very funny, as our Jack here just has proved
With such a funny song :-)
It's natural selection so what's left is much improved
And it can be very funny, as our Jack here just has proved
With such a funny song :-)
Thanks Royce, Alvin, Step-chan, Cat, Pat, Rex, Larry and Phil.
(SOTM) Excellent work, Jack! LOL funny.
(SOTM) You have redeemed yourself this month, Jack ("Whining an a B*tchin'," anyone?) with a brilliant parody about the stupidest people who ever lived. I loved the part about the mistimed bomb. LMAO! This parody is hilarious, smart, and quite evolved. 555
(SOTM) Thinning the herd.
(SOTM) An excellent read yet again, and spot-on pacing. Brilliant.
(SOTM) me and my family are quite offended, but good parody nonetheless
SOTM-good
I predict this will survive many short list shortenings in our monthly SOTF-SOTM (Survival of the Fittest - Song of the Month). :-)
Sounds very painful.... you have a band-aid? Sorry wrong song.... lol
(SOTM) Man, what a bunch of idiots. Kinda like the prat the award is named after. Well done, Ant of Red.
(SOTM) Enjoyed re-visiting this!
(SOTM) Jack, you should really send this to the Darwin Awards website, and see if they publish it - it sums up their whole site and some of your examples are classics (that "Palestine daylight savings" one kills me - although not as much as it killed them of course)
fantastic idea, fantastic execution - although not as fantastic as their executions of course :-)
fantastic idea, fantastic execution - although not as fantastic as their executions of course :-)
(SOTM) Freakin' brilliant, Red Ant -- stay IN the gene pool!
SOTM - Pacing is a little screwy in places, kind of like the people it's about. But WOW! This is hilarious!
SOTM...HOLY MOLY...I loved this, Red Ant! Definitely in my top five...(my favorite so far!)...Hilarious and written about one of my favorite things to make fun of...stupid people! FABulous!
For me, this is still SOTY so far... wit so sharp you could cut yourself on it.
"Very funny stupid stories," indeed. Great work, Batteries-as-Jack.
Many thanks to Rick C, Chris Bodily TM, Agrimorfee, Cat, Confission, Max, Peter, Matthias, bobpiecheese, Rex, Stu, Johhny D, Jay, Arwen, Phil and Spaff.
my 5's didn't really dent your voting results, but I'm sure you appreciate it nonetheless, much like I appreciate your brilliant humor and delivery. it sort of made me think of Dr. Strangelove for two reasons: 1. everyone is a moron in that film 2. the song, battle hymn of the republic, is what is playing in the background during the bomber scenes. enjoy being in your prime while it lasts!
(SOTY) Well, someone's got to start off the SOTY comments. This one is one of my favorites of yours, Jack. TMGLTM but, the part where the terrorists blew themselves up gave me the most pleasure. :-)
(SOTY) "Pouring chlorine in the gene pool!" I know, I know, it's near the end of the song, but it's the best lines. . .because when you hear the Darwin awards, tragic as they are, you just can't help but laugh. The Darwin awards are so funny, and you really captured them here. . .I've resolved to actually read each song by each entrant. . .this is my first, if this is just the first, I'm scared of the rest of the entrants.
Ewwwwwwwww... That's so gross and yet so good!!!
SOTY - I have always enjoyed this one. An oddly light-sounding look at people killing themselves. Very, very funny.
So basically this award is given to people who killed themselves.That's just great! NOT!
Hey Red Ant - I just saw this pop up in the comments and gave it a read for the first time. Excellent. One of my favorite ones is about this guy they found dead on the ground from what they thought was a fall from a high tension electric tower until they examined him a bit closer and saw that PVT Parts, private parts were a bit scorched. On top of the tower was a six pack of beer with one full one left and the fifth bottle half drank. They surmised that he climbed the tower to drink and enjoy the view. When Mother Nature paid a visit he did what came naturally and whizzed over the side. His stream came in contact with one of the wires that was conducting high voltages with equally high amperages of electrical current. If the shock didn't kill him and the fall didn't kill him then it was the sudden stop at the bottom that did.
Great stuff here Red Ant. The gene pool is kept clean with a never ending supply of chlorine ingested idiocy. Natural selection at its best! Get 5 stay alive - Get one and you're done. 5's for this one. No chlorine today for the Ant.
Great stuff here Red Ant. The gene pool is kept clean with a never ending supply of chlorine ingested idiocy. Natural selection at its best! Get 5 stay alive - Get one and you're done. 5's for this one. No chlorine today for the Ant.
Thanks thayer, Rick, Dave, Matt, Jay, Gel and Guy.
thayer: Funny, I was at my prime when I wrote this. I'll have to wait until I'm 37 to be in my prime again. =)
Rick: Don't know if you come around here much anymore, but I have performed this once a capella and in a 4 verse version. I'll see if I can't track down the MP3 and send it to you.
Dave, Matt and Jay: I thought that was the strongest chorus sub, so I saved it for last. Glad you liked it.
Gel: No, it's given to people who remove themselves from the genepool in extraordinarily idiotic and accidental ways. Suicides don't count.
Guy: Thanks for the indepth comment and story. I wanna know how he got up there with all that alcohol in the first place. Mythbusters debunked the "peeing on the third rail" myth (sort of), but upping the voltage (and subsequent arc potential) to tens or hundreds of thousands of volts changes things quite a bit. And yeah, it's not the fall that's fatal, it's the abrupt stop at the end of it. Reminds me of the old joke "You don't need a parachute to go sky diving - you need a parachute to go sky diving twice".
thayer: Funny, I was at my prime when I wrote this. I'll have to wait until I'm 37 to be in my prime again. =)
Rick: Don't know if you come around here much anymore, but I have performed this once a capella and in a 4 verse version. I'll see if I can't track down the MP3 and send it to you.
Dave, Matt and Jay: I thought that was the strongest chorus sub, so I saved it for last. Glad you liked it.
Gel: No, it's given to people who remove themselves from the genepool in extraordinarily idiotic and accidental ways. Suicides don't count.
Guy: Thanks for the indepth comment and story. I wanna know how he got up there with all that alcohol in the first place. Mythbusters debunked the "peeing on the third rail" myth (sort of), but upping the voltage (and subsequent arc potential) to tens or hundreds of thousands of volts changes things quite a bit. And yeah, it's not the fall that's fatal, it's the abrupt stop at the end of it. Reminds me of the old joke "You don't need a parachute to go sky diving - you need a parachute to go sky diving twice".
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