I'm an ordinary fan
who desires nothing more than just an ordinary chance
to sit front of his old set and look at any game he wants.
An average fan am I, of no specific team
who likes to watch the ball clear the wall
or see some pitcher throw heat like a dream.
I'm just an ordinary fan.

BUT! Let the Red Sox in your life, and your serenity is through!
In a mood that's very dark you go down to Fenway Park.
Of your cash the scalpers cheat. You find your wooden seat -- obstructed view!

Let the Red Sox in your life, and you are up against the Wall!
They make plans and then they find
errors make them lose their mind
and so rather than the winning, they just go down in the spinning every fall!

You try to talk of baseball logic, they'll say it's all a game of love.
You watch as Pedro throws a changeup, the ball goes under Nomar's glove!
Let the Red Sox in your life, and you invite eternal strife!

Let some folks in New England gnash their teeth and wring their hands.
I'd be equally as willing to relive the Buckner inning
than to ever let the Red Sox in my life!

I'm a very gentle fan
even-tempered and good-natured, whom you'd never hear complain
who'd never call up some old talk show when the Sox have lost again.
A patient man am I, the kind who gets a grip
the sort who never could, never would
look at an umpire's call and give him lip.
A very gentle fan.

BUT! Let the Red Sox in your life, and patience hasn't got a chance!
You hope your neighbor is a sport, but he drinks beer by the quart
then they'll all whip out their hankies and they'll grumble as the Yankees kick their pants!

You were a man of grace and polish
who never spoke above a hush!
Now all at once, you're using language
that would make Ted Williams blush!
Let the Red Sox in your life, and you are plunging in a knife!

You may think they're heaven-sent, but remember Bucky Dent!
I'd prefer a new edition of the Everett acquisition
than to ever let the Red Sox in my life!

I'm a quiet living fan
who prefers to spend the evenings in his placid little den
with a glass of Pinot Grigio as I watch the baseball men.
A pensive fan am I, of philosophic joys
who likes to watch the games, all nine frames
free from the Fenway's mad inhuman noise.
Just a quiet living fan.

BUT! Let the Red Sox in your life, just like all those would-be jocks
in a stream that never ends, you'll be yelling with your friends
just to jabber and to chatter and wonder what's the matter with the Sox!

Calvin Schiraldi, Denny Galehouse, Jim Burton, Bobby Sprowl!
Now you know what the Moon is there for: It's the thing at which you howl!
Let the Red Sox in your life! Let the Red Sox in your life!

(sounds of callers to sports-talk radio as music builds to crescendo, then silence!)

I shall NEVER... let... the Red Sox... in... my life!