TRANCE OF THE REED FLUTES (From the "Buttcracker")

(Flute Trio)

How come ev'ry Christmas we gotta hear this tune?
It was written for a dumb no-plot ballet
Critics always pan it- Dancers even damn it
Only thing that keeps it going is the music which is so catchy

So we get to hear it in ev'ry frickin' mall
Till you're ready to crack someone in the nuts
This song sticks in my head--Wish the thing would drop dead
Put this flutey baby back to bed to bed to bed to bed to bed.....

(English horn part)

Hey, what's wrong with you? Don't
You have Christmas spirit
You're a Scrooge
(Clarinet) (Yes, you're a Scrooge)

(String riff for two bars)

So now I'm an A-hole just cause I hate this song?
Put your Christmas spirit where the sun don't shine
While the hordes are shoppin---Steamroller's not stopping
But I don't see why we have to hear the same crap ev'ry December
Plus the thing is ballet, where you would never go

Even Peter T disliked it-- So Y'know
Let me hear some Mozart
Let me hear someone fart
Please anything else p-please!

(Horn section)

This holiday gets in my way
You can't change years of Xmas cheers
For seven weeks the music reeks
No matter where you plop your chair

In all the schools tradition rules
The children love these tunes we shove
Yes, Church and State unseparate
The subtle thrust is plug Jesus

For he's the "reaz" there is a "seaz"
So play his song or don't belong
Then kill a pine that did look fine
And take it back to your home shack

And decorate with crap you hate
The tree is bought but one thing not
To do is light a fire bright
Or you might blame yourself for flame
That filled your den with firemen
And then.....................

(Two measures of strings leading back to flute trio)

You must hear this music for the ten thousanth time
Paste that phony frozen smile on your face
Someday will be over, you'll be under clover
Hopefully the afterlife will have some better tunes than the reed flutes
And if up in heaven this is the stuff we get
Send me to the other place with Rock and Roll
Plus there won't be Christmas, that I'll never miss much
No more Nutcracker Suite n-now!