Song Parodies -> I Have A Nasty Case Of Every Virus Bug Conceivable
| Original Song Title: | "The Major-General's Song" |
| Original Performer: | Gilbert and Sullivan |
| Parody Song Title: | "I Have A Nasty Case Of Every Virus Bug Conceivable" |
| Parody Written by: | Cat |
Okay, I'm not going to lie: I wrote this in 2 days. For some odd reason I didn't think it was as horribly hard as some people do, most of my lines came to me as I was running in the park. And for the record, Arwen, I'm really sorry I spammed your Major-Gold Digger's song with comments about this. That was really rude of me. Well, here's the fruit of my labors. I just hope you like it.
I have a nasty case of every virus, bug conceivable
The sorry state my health is in is surely irreprievable
My stomach swelled so big that it appeared that I could eat a bull
They took me to the ER and my bill was unbelievable!
But when you see my ailments, my condition's even scarier
I've never been to Africa, but I still have malaria
And I haven't the foggiest clue how I got that syphilis
Oh, could it be the one-night stand with that old stripper named Phyllis?
(Oh, could it be the one-night stand with that old stripper named Phyllis?)
(Oh, could it be the one-night stand with that old stripper named Phyllis?)
(Oh, could it be the one-night stand with that freaky old stripper named Phyllis?)
It's true that in the past I may have too many times gave-and-took
But now with all my sicknesses, I'm written in the Guinness Book
My bod contains ten billion bac-ter-i-a, imperceivable
I have a nasty case of every virus, bug conceivable!
(His bod contains ten billion bac-ter-i-a, imperceivable,)
(He has a bad, bad case of every virus, bug conceivable!)
My doctor recommended me a set of herbal remedies
He said their correct usage will obliterate my maladies
But after that green plant there, I'm astounded that I'm still alive
I'm growing hair on my palms, and my back is breaking out in hives!
He then stated to me that he would have to use his surgery
But first, he tranquilized me (to prevent malpractice perjury)
And when I came to, I noticed that some things were a little odd
Should I really be having a big fish tail like that of a cod?
(Should he really be having a big fish tail like that of a cod?)
(Should he really be having a big fish tail like that of a cod?)
(Should he really be having a big fish tail like that of an ocean cod?)
So now I'm being quarantined, and it sure ain't a piece of cake
Just even thinking about health is giving me a stomachache
This tumor's size has reached a new level thought unachievable
I have a nasty case of every virus, bug conceivable!
(His tumor's size has reached a new level thought unachievable,)
(He has a horrid case of every virus, bug conceivable!)
But when I thought I'd had enough of nasty things that I don't like
I received the bad news that my immune system had gone on strike
And out of all my viruses, this one might be the zaniest:
My sneezes knock out everyone within a ten-mile radius!
I'm feeling so damn bad that I am hoping just to be done in
I've tried so many medicines, my blood's now Type Ro-bi-tuss-in
And in contagiousness, you most cer-tain-ly have reason to wail
I'm making Typhoid Mary look just like Miss Florence Nightingale!
(He's making Typhoid Mary look just like Miss Florence Nightingale!)
(He's making Typhoid Mary look just like Miss Florence Nightingale!)
(He's making icky Typhoid Mary look just like Miss Florence Nightingale!)
My arms are so cadaverous, they make corpses look porky, and
I'm almost to the point where I am BEGGING for Kevorkian
Decapitation seems the only way this is relievable
I have a nasty case of every virus, bug conceivable!
(Decapitation seems the only way it is relievable,)
(He has a nasty case of every virus, bug conceivable!)
The sorry state my health is in is surely irreprievable
My stomach swelled so big that it appeared that I could eat a bull
They took me to the ER and my bill was unbelievable!
But when you see my ailments, my condition's even scarier
I've never been to Africa, but I still have malaria
And I haven't the foggiest clue how I got that syphilis
Oh, could it be the one-night stand with that old stripper named Phyllis?
(Oh, could it be the one-night stand with that old stripper named Phyllis?)
(Oh, could it be the one-night stand with that old stripper named Phyllis?)
(Oh, could it be the one-night stand with that freaky old stripper named Phyllis?)
It's true that in the past I may have too many times gave-and-took
But now with all my sicknesses, I'm written in the Guinness Book
My bod contains ten billion bac-ter-i-a, imperceivable
I have a nasty case of every virus, bug conceivable!
(His bod contains ten billion bac-ter-i-a, imperceivable,)
(He has a bad, bad case of every virus, bug conceivable!)
My doctor recommended me a set of herbal remedies
He said their correct usage will obliterate my maladies
But after that green plant there, I'm astounded that I'm still alive
I'm growing hair on my palms, and my back is breaking out in hives!
He then stated to me that he would have to use his surgery
But first, he tranquilized me (to prevent malpractice perjury)
And when I came to, I noticed that some things were a little odd
Should I really be having a big fish tail like that of a cod?
(Should he really be having a big fish tail like that of a cod?)
(Should he really be having a big fish tail like that of a cod?)
(Should he really be having a big fish tail like that of an ocean cod?)
So now I'm being quarantined, and it sure ain't a piece of cake
Just even thinking about health is giving me a stomachache
This tumor's size has reached a new level thought unachievable
I have a nasty case of every virus, bug conceivable!
(His tumor's size has reached a new level thought unachievable,)
(He has a horrid case of every virus, bug conceivable!)
But when I thought I'd had enough of nasty things that I don't like
I received the bad news that my immune system had gone on strike
And out of all my viruses, this one might be the zaniest:
My sneezes knock out everyone within a ten-mile radius!
I'm feeling so damn bad that I am hoping just to be done in
I've tried so many medicines, my blood's now Type Ro-bi-tuss-in
And in contagiousness, you most cer-tain-ly have reason to wail
I'm making Typhoid Mary look just like Miss Florence Nightingale!
(He's making Typhoid Mary look just like Miss Florence Nightingale!)
(He's making Typhoid Mary look just like Miss Florence Nightingale!)
(He's making icky Typhoid Mary look just like Miss Florence Nightingale!)
My arms are so cadaverous, they make corpses look porky, and
I'm almost to the point where I am BEGGING for Kevorkian
Decapitation seems the only way this is relievable
I have a nasty case of every virus, bug conceivable!
(Decapitation seems the only way it is relievable,)
(He has a nasty case of every virus, bug conceivable!)
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User Comments Follow...
Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.
LOL!
I'm DKTOS on this one, Cat, and I usually try to avoid Gilbert & Sullivan stuff like the plague...don't know why, just do...But this one is really cute. Man, if you had all this stuff at your tender age just think what you'll be like when you are in the "Fossil Zone" that I currently inhabit. Not voting because I really can't evaluate the pace.
Good thing we can read this on the Net and not in person.... "porky and/Kevorkian" very nice. 555
love the "porky, and / kevorkian" rhyme, especially
Dis-ease a very good job on this.....welcome to the MG club..5 germs
Wow! Only two days!!! Now I really have to work on one for this OS...
Is it just me, or does it seem to anyone else like major-general parodies are contagious? Another fun entry in the long list of long M-G parodies :-)
Excellent job, Cat. I agree with TT and Alvin on the Kevorkian couplet, and the blood "Type Ro-bi-tuss-in" also stood out for me.
was choosing male for the gender of the singer a nifty way of telling/advising us that none of these afflictions trouble YOU, Cat? - excellent MMG - 555
Well, don't have your computer call my computer, ok? Great version though! 5.5.5
Great work her Cat. I loved the rhymes, particularly "surgery perjury", "zaniest/radius" (close enough!) and "porky and/Kevorkian". Less than 5s? Inconceivable!
I suppose you could put it that way, Stu, but in reality, the only reason my singer's a dude is because of the "stripper named Phyllis" line...you know I'm not a lesbian! =)
Oh, and so I don't feel selfish, many, many thanks to everyone who's commented so far, I've been waiting for a couple of weeks for the reception. And Red Ant, do I detect a hint of Wallace Shawn in the Princess Bride in your comment?
Darn. There goes the fantasy.
While this is indeed a commendable work for a 15 year old, in my opinion it was released before the pacing bugs had been worked out. It does not have good enough flow to rank with the best MG parodies on this sight, which have won several SOTM and SOTY competitions. Several lines have very akward, forced pacing which consistently results with emphasis being put on the wrong syllable. Lines 7,8,9,10,11,12,15,17,25,26,27,28,31,33 are all off-syllable stressed, and I just stopped there because the point has been made. The humor is very 5-worthy, and reworking the pacing could result in this being a top-notch MG. As it stands, I would rate it 3-5-4.
Pffffft. Everybody's a critic. I'm sure even you, Simon, would go nuts trying to find words that are absolutely flawless iambic octameter. And I have the syllable count and the rhyme scheme, so I can justify my unconventional stressings (of which there are not that many) in the name of artistic license. So ha. =P
See Spaff's and Kristoff's MG parodies to see examples of flawless , perfectly flowing pacing. You found the right number of syllables, but trying to sing this would be disastrous. And there are about 20, at least, words where wrong syllables are stressed, as opposed to zero in the above examples. If you give up trying to get the pacing right, you will continue to make the same mistakes, whereas if you work until you get it right, you can become a much better parodist. This is meant as constructive criticism, not in a mean-spirited way. But if you think this pacing is worth a 5, or even a 4, you will forever fail to achieve your potential. Simon out
I think I saw somewhere where you said this took you two days, is that correct? Whereas Spaff has commented on the messageboard where he spent 6 MONTHS...yes, 6 MONTHS.....tweaking his to get it perfect. The Result? His got SONG OF THE YEAR. The two days you spent on this? It shows.Take care, young lady, you have tons of potential, if you give yourself time to perfect this art, instead of settling for mediocrity.
I believe you've made your point, Simon. But thanks. I certainly appreciate your input as opposed to that of your nastier little brother, The 1 Guy.
Typical female response to criticism. Blame it on a guy. How about the 1 Girl? And I can see by your petty little pout that you haven't heard a word I said. Take your artistic license on stage and sing this, and see how far it gets you. I bet even YOU couldn't sing this without it sounding like pig latin, and you wrote it. Why don't you PM Spaff or Kristof, and ask them for an honest assessment of this. And I claim no relation to the 1 person, although in all honesty a three for this bothced pacing was being generous, given your age. Next time I will vote the truth.
Well, I see Simon Coward has found your parody here, Cat. While at first you may have had the intention of offering "constructive criticism", you quickly de-evolved, as many anonymous commenters do, into slamming this particular parody and/or the author. There's constructive criticism, and there is being a prick. It is pretty obvious to me you are attempting to sabotage this parody's chances in SOTM since your comments appeared shortly after Cat started the April SOTM entry thread, and entered this parody. That is being a prick.
You want some reality? Out of the 80+ Major-General's Song parodies here, none has all 5s on pacing (even discounting 1 votes), and none has perfect triple rhymes throughout as the original did.
Now, are there some words here emphasized incorrectly? Yes, there are, but I counted far less than 20. Would it be problematic to sing this in a performance? Perhaps - only a recording would eliminate any doubt. Actually, that's incorrect since a flawless recording was posted for one of the March SOTM entries and it still picked up 2 pacing dings.
Comparing this to Kristof's or Spaff's works isn't really relevant either, since neither of those parodies will be competing against this one. It isn't necessary either to PM Spaff or Kristof (but feel free); there are numerous other parodists who have done this song quite well and/or medaled in SOTM competitions with it. At least 5 of them have already commented here favorably, and didn't mention any grevious emphasis errors that you have.
You want some reality? Out of the 80+ Major-General's Song parodies here, none has all 5s on pacing (even discounting 1 votes), and none has perfect triple rhymes throughout as the original did.
Now, are there some words here emphasized incorrectly? Yes, there are, but I counted far less than 20. Would it be problematic to sing this in a performance? Perhaps - only a recording would eliminate any doubt. Actually, that's incorrect since a flawless recording was posted for one of the March SOTM entries and it still picked up 2 pacing dings.
Comparing this to Kristof's or Spaff's works isn't really relevant either, since neither of those parodies will be competing against this one. It isn't necessary either to PM Spaff or Kristof (but feel free); there are numerous other parodists who have done this song quite well and/or medaled in SOTM competitions with it. At least 5 of them have already commented here favorably, and didn't mention any grevious emphasis errors that you have.
And then there was the time that Red Ant pretty much said everything that I was going to say. Except for the part where he mentioned that none of the other MG parodies on the site have perfect pacing...I wasn't going to draw attention to my lack of 5s in that department...; )
But seriously, Simon...what in the HELL is the point? I've considered myself something of a pacing-aholic in the past...so I just nod when people point out pacing issues...but your comments read more as a personal attack on Cat than anything else.
And bringing Spaff & Kristof into the mix is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I've known both of their super talented asses for quite a while, and I can PROMISE that whether or not Cat has pacing issues or not...niether of them would support your rant(s)...either on a PM or on a public forum...and especially, they'd condemn the tone and method of said rant.
But seriously, Simon...what in the HELL is the point? I've considered myself something of a pacing-aholic in the past...so I just nod when people point out pacing issues...but your comments read more as a personal attack on Cat than anything else.
And bringing Spaff & Kristof into the mix is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. I've known both of their super talented asses for quite a while, and I can PROMISE that whether or not Cat has pacing issues or not...niether of them would support your rant(s)...either on a PM or on a public forum...and especially, they'd condemn the tone and method of said rant.
Awwwww, thanks guys...I love you for sticking up for me like that! And before I go, I'd just like to say that I HAVE actually sung this out loud to myself, and it works out fine, though I do run out of breath after a while. (I actually did it at school today at lunch, and my friend said that that's the kind of thing I do that makes people think I'm autistic. Figures, he's a dork.)
Simon Cowell, move back to the UK. I have been known to be a stickler for pacing, but jeez, louise, you go beyond what is necessary here. This parody was excellent, great work KAT!
I also want to add my 2 cents here for a couple of reasons (and well said, Red, Arwen and Agri)
Cat: first let me assure you that despite the suspiciously (cunningly?) high number of similarities between the shouting mouse’s first post and a wordy discourse I made on pacing recently on the MB (ie. syllable-stressing, exemplifying Spaff anf Kristof, singling out lines, etc.) I am not the shouting mouse. For a start I wouldn’t stoop so low. I’ve only used pseudonyms about 5 times, each in a humorous context, and I revealed myself each time. Secondly I’m a big big fan of your stuff, especially the brilliant and hilariously self-deprecating...
http://www.amiright.com/parody/80s/michaeljackson128.shtml
You are a breath of fresh air to amiright with your open-hearted candour and youthful humour
But, back to the shouting mouse: If he/she really wanted to offer well-meant advice, he/she would have used their real name. What possible harm or fear could there be, if their motives were well-intentioned? â€" which proves they were spitefully-intentioned and self-serving instead, and nothing at all to do with you.
Pseudonym (ie. "shouting mouse") posts should only be quickly scanned to assure the reader that they’re malicious, and then just as quickly dismissed from any further thought - which is just what you did. Bravo, Cat! Unaffected you were. You come out of it smelling like roses, which was exactly not the mouse’s intention ;-)
Cat: first let me assure you that despite the suspiciously (cunningly?) high number of similarities between the shouting mouse’s first post and a wordy discourse I made on pacing recently on the MB (ie. syllable-stressing, exemplifying Spaff anf Kristof, singling out lines, etc.) I am not the shouting mouse. For a start I wouldn’t stoop so low. I’ve only used pseudonyms about 5 times, each in a humorous context, and I revealed myself each time. Secondly I’m a big big fan of your stuff, especially the brilliant and hilariously self-deprecating...
http://www.amiright.com/parody/80s/michaeljackson128.shtml
You are a breath of fresh air to amiright with your open-hearted candour and youthful humour
But, back to the shouting mouse: If he/she really wanted to offer well-meant advice, he/she would have used their real name. What possible harm or fear could there be, if their motives were well-intentioned? â€" which proves they were spitefully-intentioned and self-serving instead, and nothing at all to do with you.
Pseudonym (ie. "shouting mouse") posts should only be quickly scanned to assure the reader that they’re malicious, and then just as quickly dismissed from any further thought - which is just what you did. Bravo, Cat! Unaffected you were. You come out of it smelling like roses, which was exactly not the mouse’s intention ;-)
(SOTM) You are the newest member of the club of Major-General... It's very hard to parody, but it was quite hysterical... The pacing was dead-on perfect, even though I kept stumbling when I synched it to a recording (Thanks, Amazon.com!). It really makes me wish the song were'nt so darn fast! I see you've already read my attempt at doing one of the Big Three. I had to five you for this one, because your iambic octameter was limitless. Great job!
SOTM - Too bad about the dissing here in the comments but that's one thing you risk when you write in the intro how fast a parody was written and make it sound as if you think that's a good thing. Not that I never did that myself, had a period when I had som 50-75 under my belt where I started to feel more confident and wrote and posted in the same day and occasionally also mentioned it ("Sons of Saddam" comes to mind if you're interested) but since I've learned that parodies benefit from a couple of nights of sleep and at least one session of tweaking before I post them. It's not a fixed rule, I've broken it for the terror bombings in the subway of London and the death of the Pope where coming up with something fast was an important point to it of its own, but as a general method I think it's for the better and to be recommended.
SOTM-Alright.
(SOTM) see above
(SOTM) Illegitimi non carborundum, Cat. There is excellent humor in this parody and some very clever rhyming. And I hope you're feeling better. :-)
(SOTM) Sorry I missed this one earlier, Cat. Great job with a tough OS. (I have yet to tackle it but, there's still time). 555
(SOTM) Two days, huh. It looks like it took longer than that. Blood type Robitussin = LOL.
(SOTM) Hee hee hee...fish tail. Didn't expect that, did ya? Wonderfully done. Better than anything I could come up with, that's for sure.
DKTOS, but 555 anyway. Very good.
(SOTM) See my first comment, and to answer your question: yes.
(SOTM) Maybe it's because I'm a musical theatre actor, but I didn't have any problem getting the pacing to work from a performance/singing point of view ... pacing is fluid when interpreted by a vocalist -- it's rigid only when written-down-and-counted. Great job, Cat!
(SOTM) - that's right, the Simon Cowell entry! - great job Cat - some classic ideas and lines in this one
SOTM...nice work here, Cat...a fun idea to a great OS...=)
(SOTM) I was on vacation when this was first released, nice to read this now. 555'S
(SOTM) Wow...somebody needs to sue. As Master Yoda might say, In a few places, awkward your pacing is. However, you have many good and very funny lines here. It makes my top 5 list just by existing, because I can now vouch for its difficulty, having just written a parody of it myself...
(ABC3) Dammitall, all you ABC compers are pulling out all the best stuff this time 'round. You all make it so hard for me to decide! :)
(ABC3I) I had a feeling a M-G parody would make it into this round. See above!
abc nice one cat .not my type of music but i can recognise a gem when i see one !
(ABC3) This is great! 555!
I have three words for you: spring in Illinois! Hope you got to feeling better afterward. Maybe 555 mg. of laughter will help?--MM
(ABC) See above --- pacing is not an absolute thing when a song is interpreted by a vocalist.
(ABC06-I) A pleasure to revisit, Cat. Great job, despite what simple Simon said. :-)
Well done, I thought the pacing worked for the most part, and would work out well if sung.
(ABC3-I) still a wonderful read, Cat
ABC...still super fun, Cat...Excellent job!
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