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Song Parodies -> "Stuff My Wife Has Never Wore"

Original Song Title:

"The Raven"

Original Performer:

Edgar Allen Poe

Parody Song Title:

"Stuff My Wife Has Never Wore"

Parody Written by:

Tim Mayfield

The Lyrics

I only did 1/2 of 'The Raven' since it gets a bit boring after reusing the same words over and over. This is hard to parody, just so you know. Folks who have parodied the entire poem: My hats off!
Closet space I cherish dearly, clothes I've laundered, I see yearly
E'er I search both quick and furious until you can't see the floor
Piles I've prodded, slowly mapping, suddenly she's up from napping
As if I'm secretly wrapping, wrapping up her clothes once more
Tis such a nuisance this clutter, trapped behind this closet door
All of this, these clothes galore

I distinctly can remember, smitten by this weaker member
And there was someone yelling "Timber!" Fought, but love struck to the core
Eagle's wings but got the sparrow; quickly learn to walk the narrow
Got her hooks into this fellow, mellowed out for evermore
Still I care how overly laden seems the closets unkempt floor
Wrought with things she never wore

There are silken bags I'm certain, if thrown out would cause some hurtin'
Built it, filled it with her treasures, useless, still she would implore
Though we've had our fam'ly meeting, I'll impart, it bears repeating
Keep in mind how you are treating there is someone keeping score
Else your life will take a beating, keep it to a muted roar
Though this mess can't be ignored

Gradually my heart grew fonder of those clothes now hidden yonder
But my heart won't gladden till I pluck them from the closet floor
Saw her sleeping, I was peeping, can't go boldly, can't go leaping
And so lightly I was creeping, creeping while I heard her snore
Stepped on top of some upturned screw, now it's made my big toe sore
Blamed those things she's never wore!

Trying hard to make a clearing, hard to see with my eyes tearing
Stabbing pain but can't be vocal, so no french-type words I swore
So for silence I was chokin', though my toe was surely broken
And my sock in blood was soakin' wish my dirty work was o'er
So I vowed to save my bellow, till I sell to the thrift store
Stuff my wife has never wore

Sweaters from a school of learning, smocks that cry out "Low wage earning!"
Clothing that is used for wrapping, hankies that match no decor
Clothes that show off college status, clothes that claim her name is 'Gladys'
I don't know just what this frat is, but it comes with a brochure
She's got clothes that smell like spearmint, never saw such junk before
Stuff my wife has never wore

Dresses that the wind makes flutter, shorts embroidered with golfing putter
Leg warmers and dancer's leggings, like the ones that J. Beals wore
Claims these ones make her look fatter, these ones claim they're all that matter
These seem good for mixing batter, don't think I've seen these before
Not sure how she got these balanced, this one says "Come join the Corps!"
Stuff my wife has never wore

Bras that cause my heart reviling, baggy pants that keep on piling
Can't wear these ones since she tore 'em right before she left the store
Thigh high dress that's ripped and waiving, can't wear this, no need for saving
Dont' know what her thoughts were craving, buying things she knows I'd abhor
Tell me what the lowly game is, why this crap that I can't ignore
Stuff my wife has never wore

While I wallowed in this qaundary felt I'd air her dirty laundry,
I perchance some message gleaning, from her men in days of yore
And since I was stuck spring cleaning although could be quite demeaning
Ever thought with all her preening she has yet to dress the whore
Is this somewhere I should venture? Do I want to know the score?
Is this stuff she's never wore?

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.4
How Funny: 4.6
Overall Rating: 4.6

Total Votes: 29

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   3
 2   0
 3   0
 4   4
 5   22

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Adagio - June 14, 2005 - Report this comment
Very good! And you say this was only 1/2? I really enjoyed it...good visuals. 5's
AFW - June 14, 2005 - Report this comment
For this great spoof of The Raven, my hat off to you I'm wavin'...looks like a heap of mental slavin',I can imagine why you're sayin' "This is it...not any more!"
Red Ant - June 14, 2005 - Report this comment
5s to Tim May all the more.
Tim Mayfield - June 14, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanks Adagio, AFW and Red Ant. Yes, only 1/2. I originally intended to do all 18 verses, but I couldn't. I'm sure I saved myself from some white coats by stopping.
Phil Alexander - June 14, 2005 - Report this comment
Kristof Robertson - June 15, 2005 - Report this comment
Only 9 verses? what a wimp! ;-) Only kidding, Tim...this was superb. 555
Jeff Reuben - June 15, 2005 - Report this comment
To quote the Raven, "Well done Tim. "
Tim Mayfield - June 15, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanks Phil, Kristof and Jeff.
Meriadoc - June 15, 2005 - Report this comment
Wonderful! I am surprised more aren't raven' about this! ;-)
Diddims - June 16, 2005 - Report this comment
I know how frightening this scenario is! There's a slew of clothes in my closet, my sister's closet, and my parent's closet that we haven't seen in a long time, let alone wearing them!
Stuart McArthur - June 16, 2005 - Report this comment
ah, another Jennifer Beals fan, Tim! - yes I recall being blown away by those images too - almost defined lust in that half-decade for me - great work on (half) this opus - it's definitely in my too-hard basket - 555
Raven Symone - June 21, 2005 - Report this comment
You making fun of my name? Caw! Caw! Nevermore!
Dumb Ass Kid - July 06, 2005 - Report this comment
[SOTM] Unfortunately DKTOS (again) : ( but I think the real hats off goes to you for chosing to parody such a difficult original song. Enjoyed reading this one : )
Leo Jay - July 07, 2005 - Report this comment
[SOTM] Immensely clever.
Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd - July 08, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM). Great stuff but I’ll be disappointed if there’s no part 2 coming in the future (not necessarily the near future, but someday), it ought to, with such a teaser/cliffhanger as “I perchance some message gleaning, from her men in days of yore” / “Is this stuff she's never wore?”
Red Ant - July 08, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Already commented, but this pegs my personal scale of difficulty TIm, and congratulations for going after it. I can relate as well.
Arwen - July 08, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM--I'm a total clothes packrat...I never throw anything, I'm down with this, for sure...=) The golf club shorts made me giggle!
Mike (Mike Armstrong) - July 13, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Very good, great pacing and I like your use of older language when applicable, good work
Dr. Bob - July 13, 2005 - Report this comment
wow, im not sure if the length of the song is indicative of you and your wifes relationship but its funny how you managed to fill an entire song with this =) time to take the credit cards away. nice job.
Charlie Decker - July 13, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I like all of these 'Raven' parodies...I'll have to do some myself. I used to be able to recite about the first half of it (more or less what's parodied here) by heart, but those days are long gone. Great job, Tim!
Dee Range - July 18, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Excellent job. Having done this poem...twice...I appreciate all the effort put in to this.
Jeff Reuben - July 22, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Still good...see above!
Rick C - July 25, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Excellent, Tim! I have never tried this OS and, I doubt I ever will. I had to memorize the whole thing and recite it in front of the class in the ninth grade (as punishment for some heinous crime I've long since forgotten). 555
Stuart McArthur - July 26, 2005 - Report this comment
(sotm) already commented and I'm in awe of anybody who takes this OP on, with all its internal rhymes, and the sheer length of the thing - bravo Tim - July 27, 2005 - Report this comment
Since you only did half the poem, I'm afraid I can only give you half the deserved 10/10/10.

Tremendous work, Tim. Excellent rhyming. My favorite stanzas are the three where you're listing the actual clothes - quite a gold mine there. And I'm with Peter on wanting to know where this goes, since "she has yet to dress the whore." But I suppose I'll have to wait until you've regain some sanity and/or closet space.
Johnny D - July 28, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) "like the ones that J. Beals wore" ... my favorite image out of many wonderful images here!
Phil Alexander - July 29, 2005 - Report this comment
Ha! Another really long one (ooh er, missus), but I've read this one already ;-)
2nz - July 30, 2005 - Report this comment
Great work, Tim. Starts out well and gets better as you go along. Especially liked: "Claims these ones make her look fatter, these ones claim they're all that matter/ These seem good for mixing batter, don't think I've seen these before"
Kristof Robertson - July 31, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I'm actually glad you didn't do the whole poem, Tim...too much of a good thing, and all that...still superb.
Mikey Squirrel - July 31, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM.. I agree that it's better you did only half. What you have is great. Very well done, Tim. 555
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - August 01, 2005 - Report this comment
Brilliant and comical, as usual, Tim. Loved the line 'smocks that cry out "Low wage earning!"' among numeorus others. Criminy, this reminds me that I've left my own Raven parody stuffed in a drawer somewhere from weeks ago... and yes, the hardest part of this parody is trying not to repeat the rhymes each time. I've got 52/60 different ones so far.
Agrimorfee - August 01, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Honest to God, I read it! Forgot to comment. Very good.
2Eagle - April 14, 2008 - Report this comment
Protested she, "I might need them someday.".

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