Song Parodies -> Someday My Prints Will Match
| Original Song Title: | "Someday My Prince Will Come" |
| Original Performer: | Disney |
| Parody Song Title: | "Someday My Prints Will Match" |
| Parody Written by: | Phil Alexander |
Biometrics, by the nature of our bodies, is an inexact science: it deals in probabilities, not certainties. The Government, however, have fallen under the spell of the technology companies, believing biometrics to be the security panacea for the next century.
Fingerprinting as a technology works for 99% - 99.9% of people most of the time: in a country with 60M people, that means there will be tens (or hundreds) of thousands for whom it won't work reliably; similarly, iris scanning simply does not work for 3%-5% of people - what happens to those people when they repeatedly fail to prove their identity? They may well find it easier to, er, "borrow" somebody else's...
This is written to this version of the song - not exactly the one that's in the film, but it's got a couple more verses, which helps.
Fingerprinting as a technology works for 99% - 99.9% of people most of the time: in a country with 60M people, that means there will be tens (or hundreds) of thousands for whom it won't work reliably; similarly, iris scanning simply does not work for 3%-5% of people - what happens to those people when they repeatedly fail to prove their identity? They may well find it easier to, er, "borrow" somebody else's...
This is written to this version of the song - not exactly the one that's in the film, but it's got a couple more verses, which helps.
Some day my prints will match
First time, without a catch
And how happy that moment will be
When my prints prove my identity
Won't have to shrug and wince
At my poor fingerprints
But it's so hard for me
To prove identity
That day when their schemes come true
They've got a backup plan
To use an iris scan
But their camera does not recognize
It's me from the bits in my eyes
Some day I will be, then:
Second class citizen
I'll have no ID
'Cause it never works for me
That day when their schemes come true
Only one thing for me
And that one thing I can do is cheeee-at
Someone whose prints I can lift off a door
Something, oooh, isn't it... clever...?
Some day my prints will match
I'll use a latex patch
And I'll laugh because
My ID is yours
Someday when their schemes come true
Oh, yes, and my scheme... is you
First time, without a catch
And how happy that moment will be
When my prints prove my identity
Won't have to shrug and wince
At my poor fingerprints
But it's so hard for me
To prove identity
That day when their schemes come true
They've got a backup plan
To use an iris scan
But their camera does not recognize
It's me from the bits in my eyes
Some day I will be, then:
Second class citizen
I'll have no ID
'Cause it never works for me
That day when their schemes come true
Only one thing for me
And that one thing I can do is cheeee-at
Someone whose prints I can lift off a door
Something, oooh, isn't it... clever...?
Some day my prints will match
I'll use a latex patch
And I'll laugh because
My ID is yours
Someday when their schemes come true
Oh, yes, and my scheme... is you
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User Comments Follow...
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fits the hopeful tone of the OS well...unique concept
Drat! I thought this was going to be about white balance and digital photo printing.... (Seriously, great work here!)
What a terrifying thought...not being able to prove who you are! Excellent job, Phil...and I can see a movie plot in there somewhere. 555
This is kind of like "Gattaca." Great job... 5-5-5
MrM - if only this were science fiction: instead it's an inevitable consequence of the Government's National ID card scheme - I've spent ten years working with biometrics, and know what I'm talking about.
K - that's the problem, there doesn't seem to be a fallback position for the people who don't have usable biometrics.. other than to suggest that the technology will work better a few years down the line when it's supposed to come into operation. This is hoping against the evidence: the hardware is smaller & *much* quicker than it was ten years ago... but the number of people for whom it doesn't work hasn't changed noticeably.
Mason - I notice that "Someday my prints will come" has already been done...
Alvin - I may end up doing some more ID card-based political rants if the government keeps its head in the sand...
Thanks, guys :-)
K - that's the problem, there doesn't seem to be a fallback position for the people who don't have usable biometrics.. other than to suggest that the technology will work better a few years down the line when it's supposed to come into operation. This is hoping against the evidence: the hardware is smaller & *much* quicker than it was ten years ago... but the number of people for whom it doesn't work hasn't changed noticeably.
Mason - I notice that "Someday my prints will come" has already been done...
Alvin - I may end up doing some more ID card-based political rants if the government keeps its head in the sand...
Thanks, guys :-)
(SOTM) I ditto Kristof's comment.
I'm with Kristof. This is a great idea for a movie, and I'm sure I saw a movie like this a few years ago, but now I'm not really sure what it was called to reference it. It was about this woman who lost her idenity, and it was an Action movie, and she had to regain her idenity somehow, and find out why she no longer has it, and there was a scene where she ordered pizza online in that movie too, which is the first time I seen pizza being ordered online, which was kinda weird for me. Anyways, if anybody (Agrimorfee: King of Pop Culture) knows of this movie please let me know.
Matthias: The Net, with Sandra Bullock maybe?
(SOTM) Interesting stuff, Phil!
(SOTM) Interesting stuff, Phil!
To Aggy: That's it! I was thinking of "The Cell" for some reason....
The thing I never got with "The Net" as a film is why these people who damn near lived online would have only a single copy of something on a floppy disk... one day, there's going to be a film where, after the good guy gets the disk and escapes, the baddie turns to his henchman and says "get the backup, and make another 2,500,000 copies"
SOTM - LOL! That was hilarious! I wouldn't have found it half as funny if you didn't write the back story thing above though.. 5's
(SOTM-JAN) Very funny with "Big Brother" undertones.
(SOTM-JAN) Very funny with "Big Brother" undertones.
SOTM - I'll direct this comment primarily to Matthias because of the movie discussion going on here; you should try to get to se that movie MrMacphisto drops in his comment, "Gattaca", one of the best science fiction movies of all times, not much action or CGI but if you're in the right mood it'll have your attention all the way through anyway. Just don't have it confused with that "Gothika" crap movie with Halle Berry while at the store.
If you saw Minority Report, they had a way around the retina scan, too.
(SOTM) Interesting idea. Not really LOL funny, but intriguing nonetheless.
Good
(SOTM) Decent use of the OS. It works.
An interesting idea, there's something else I wanted to say, but I can't put my finger on it...I agree with others, not lol funny, but very well written.
(SOTM) See above...and there was me thinking this was going to be about an ongoing feud with Happy Snaps...;-)
This was awesome,5s
(SOTM) I thought it was cute. . .interestingly I've already read and 5'd this song, I know I have, I guess I forgot to comment. It was well paced to a song I don't believe I've seen parodied before, and about a topic I know I haven't read yet, so kudos on that.
Informative and thought provoking...and a little bit scary. Thanks for writing about this topic Phil. Could we perhaps begin a new science called "Parometrics" ? You could develop an algorithm to help identify good parodies.
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