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Song Parodies -> "A Schism Splits the Witless Twits"

Original Song Title:

"A Visit from St. Nicholas"

Original Performer:

Clement Clarke Moore

Parody Song Title:

"A Schism Splits the Witless Twits"

Parody Written by:

John A. Barry

The Lyrics

’Twas the time of impeachment sent down by the House.
The creatures were stirred up; some cheered, some did grouse.
The caucus was stung, whining, “It was unfair”
To their Santa with orange skin and strange hair.

Bewildered, some wrestled with what had been said
In hearings that caused for some joy—others, dread.
Each side postured on with its well-practiced rap,
Trying to play each citizen for a sap.

They went on and on and made such a damn clatter…
Not very much said amid blather and natter.
On each side of the aisle, some were acting quite rash,
Taking time out from grabbing lobbyists’ cash.

These goons get elected—how I do not know.
I guess it comes down to: Do they suck or blow?
The hearings I muted so I would not hear
All of the nitwits posture and pander and jeer.

I listened to some of them doing their shtik
But really the whole show was making me sick.
More ghastly than treacle was the schmaltz that came
Out of their open mouths; none having any shame.

Not Ratcliffe, not Manchin, not Jordan, not Schiff ’n’
Not Gohmert, not Sewell, not Conway—all shit spin.
Lenny Bruce one observed, aptly, that in the halls
Of justice, the only justice is in the halls.

When it comes to Congress, the same logic applies:
In the back room deals got done, and then come the lies.
There’s so many House flops, just what can you do?
Their sinecures assured…gerrymandering coup.

Otherwise no inkling of just how these goofs
Ended up ensconced under the Capitol’s roofs.
Never let it be said that the best are sent down
To do legislation in that pestilence town.

Bipartisanship is now a word that is moot;
As each side is quite ready the other to shoot.
These obdurate douchebags will never turn back
From their fantasies…always ready to attack.

The fact of the matter is: These guys are scary.
Of all of their motives, you have to be wary.
There is something that each side hates more than you, though.
It’s the other side that’s viewed as a lethal foe.

They grimace and they lie through their crooked teeth.
It ain’t shit to the country that they will bequeath.
Despite all the bluster, they have spines of jelly,
And their manners, behaviors, and viewpoints are smelly.

They get chubby from all of their ill-gotten gelt;
They gorge like hogs and then tell you: “Tighten your belt!”
You watch them in action, and quickly you’ll shed
Any doubts that you truly have something to dread.

When they utter words, you can tell that they’re jerks.
While they live high, low-paid staffers do the work.
And so on and on all the same bullshit goes.
In the argot of the street, you’d call them ’hos.

They eat all the good stuff and leave you the gristle…
Ready to kiss ass with each lobbyist whistle.
Maybe, if we’re lucky, the left and the right
Will finish each other off in a deadly fight.


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Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 6

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User Comments

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2Eagle - December 26, 2019 - Report this comment
BWAHAHAHA! Such a timely adaptation of this old ode.
Patrick - December 26, 2019 - Report this comment
A masterpiece from one of the best writers on the site. I watched the Dems whining about a "clear and present danger" to our "fragile republic". But they seem to be in no hurry to get to the Senate trial. Any nation that can survive these morons is a lot tougher than they give it credit for. Happy New Year. Keep up the good work.
JAB - December 26, 2019 - Report this comment
Thanks, guys! Comments much appreciated.
Harry - April 08, 2020 - Report this comment
Oh my goodness! This is hysterical! I am on the floor laughing! Grand slam, John!

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