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Song Parodies -> "Krampus Gonna Cut Off Your Thumbs"

Original Song Title:

"Santa Claus Is Coming To Town"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Bing Crosby

Parody Song Title:

"Krampus Gonna Cut Off Your Thumbs"

Parody Written by:

Chris Caillouet

The Lyrics

No, really. He's coming...
It’s time to evolve, expand your brain’s cells
The Earth does revolve, believe it or else
Krampus gonna cut off your thumbs

Cuz nothing is black
And nothing is white
But grays don’t exist for those who are right (that’s why)
Krampus gonna cut off their thumbs

He sees you when you’re meddlin’
In other people’s lives
But keep on bein’ all “Pa Knows Best”
As he sharpens up his knives

It’s time to evolve, expand your brain’s cells
The Earth does revolve, believe it or else
Krampus gonna cut off your thumbs

Fossils are real, the Earth’s REALLY old*
We came from the stars, not out of a mold
Krampus gonna cut off your thumbs

But ruddy-faced oafs who prattle and preach
Insist that there’s just one book we should teach
Krampus gonna cut off their thumbs

The jihadis in your mind
Are not the refugees
When Krampus comes to take your thumbs
We will watch it on TV

It’s time to evolve, expand your brain’s cells
The Earth does revolve, believe it or else
Krampus gonna cut off your thumbs
Krampus gonna cut off her thumbs
Krampus gonna cut off my thumbs!
* Like, four and a half BILLION years old - check it, yo

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 1.4
How Funny: 1.4
Overall Rating: 1.4

Total Votes: 32

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

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 2   0
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 3   0
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 4   0
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 5   3
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Leave Science To Actual Scientists - December 16, 2015 - Report this comment
You're wrong on practically every point.
Chris Caillouet - December 16, 2015 - Report this comment
I seriously doubt you understood my point, but you've got a right to assert that you're right, however impractical it may be.
Rob Arndt - December 16, 2015 - Report this comment
What does any of your points have to do with Krampus which is German origin dark shadow of Santa who comes for bad children and then drowns them? I've written a few parodies on this topic. Btw, evolution remains a weak theory and the scientists keep moving back the date of our planet and universe. And knocking Christianity at Xmas is in bad taste even though Jesus was born October 3, 7 BC on Yom Kippur, Jewish Year 3775. December 25th is the Roman Pagan celebration of the birth of the Sun- Sol Invictus. 555 for creative merit, but this is weird :)~
Chris Caillouet - December 16, 2015 - Report this comment
That might be your Krampus, but my Krampus don't do that stuff, messin' with little kids 'n such. He prefers to pursue the reality-deniers who actively impede evolution in their ignorance of it; they are the ones who are truly drowning children with all their misguided dogma, and they don't deserve the opposable thumbs ChangeOverTime gave them. Thanks for pointing out the bad taste - I was worried that might be lost on some folks.
Don't get on my naughty list - December 16, 2015 - Report this comment
The only funny (war on) Christmas joke I've seen so far this year is this one:

http://9gag.com/gag/a6LAgRq
Patrick - December 16, 2015 - Report this comment
I'd sail away from this one, but knowing that the earth is flat, I might fall over the edge. I did hear someone talking about Krampus today. First time I've heard of him. Where has he been hiding all these millennia?
JMJ - December 16, 2015 - Report this comment
My sincere congrats on your well-written sarcastic swipe at all the crazed ignoramuses who infect this site and destroy this country, which is rapidly becoming the laughingstock theocracy of the world. I'd like to make the sand glow, but I'll have to settle for giving you 5s. Rob, you're usually precise, so why did you leave out the hour of J.C.'s birth? It was 8:17 P.M., Bethlehem Standard Time. And isn't the shorthand "Xmas" in bad taste?
Rob Arndt - December 16, 2015 - Report this comment
No, early Christians used the X to denote the Cross of Christ. Means the same thing.
JMJ - December 16, 2015 - Report this comment
Yes, Rob, and early Christians used the Cross of Christ in "xformer," an electrical device (transformer) used to raise/lower voltage.
José Jimenez - December 16, 2015 - Report this comment
As Jesus said, "Give a man a can of Spam and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to hunt for Spam and he will eat it until he gets stomach cancer."
Rob Arndt - December 17, 2015 - Report this comment
Another equivalent explanation: the “X” is actually indicating the Greek letter “Chi”, which is short for the Greek, meaning “Christ”. So “Xmas” and “Christmas” are equivalent in every way except their lettering :)
Chris Caillouet - December 21, 2015 - Report this comment
Here's the real explanation: Jesus was illiterate so he always just signed his name X.
X-factor - December 21, 2015 - Report this comment
Say Chris, can you speak both Hebrew and Aramaic? Didn't think so. Jesus did and taught in the Temple at age 12.
Chris Caillouet - December 23, 2015 - Report this comment
And what was your point? I said he was illiterate, which means unable to read or write. Being able to speak a couple of languages is no proof of literacy, any more than the inability to speak a language constitutes illiteracy. Illiteracy is also different from getting the meanings of words confused, which is what you did.

Now, seeing as all the stories in the Bible were authored by people other than JC, and incredibly not one of the Temple primers by The Amazing Christ seems to have survived into modern times, the only logical conclusion is that he was illiterate and had to get other folks to write stuff for him. Show me some of Jesus's authenticated writings and I might reconsider my position, but unless and until you can, he'll ever remain Jesus The Illiterate Christ (or just JIC, or even Jesus X, if you prefer).

Merry JIC-mas.
Rob Arndt - December 23, 2015 - Report this comment
And He came to Nazareth, where He had been brought up; and as was His custom, He entered the synagogue on the Sabbath, and stood up to read. And the book of the prophet Isaiah was handed to Him. And He opened the book, and found the place where it was written, "The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, because He anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor. He has sent Me to proclaim release to the captives, and recovery of sight to the blind, to set free those who are downtrodden, to proclaim the favorable year of the Lord." And He closed the book, and gave it back to the attendant, and sat down; and the eyes of all in the synagogue were fixed upon Him. And He began to say to them, "Today this Scripture has been fulfilled in your hearing." (Luke 4: 16-21).
@CC - December 23, 2015 - Report this comment
You, Sir, are nothing but a troll parodist and a piss poor one at that. Come back when you know the Bible and even Krampus. Thirty-three parodies doesn't even qualify you to speak with any authority here to those who deliver the highest quality of humor over a decade or more. You are an insignificant and annoying presence. Go learn to read yourself. You have proven yourself a fool.
Just the Facts - December 23, 2015 - Report this comment
Luke 4:16-30, which Rob quotes, describes Jesus reading from the scroll of Isaiah and then preaching a homily. Most scholars hesitate to draw firm conclusions from this passage because of its relationship to the parallel passage in Mark 6:1-6, which says nothing about Jesus reading Scripture. This is NOT to say that anything in the Bible is reliable history.

The following is an excerpt from an interview with Reza Aslan: The Gospel of Luke was written 60-70 years after Jesus had died, when Christianity was quintessentially a Roman religion and no longer a Jewish religion and the gospel writers were very interested in making Jesus someone who would appeal to a non-Jewish audience. The vast majority of Biblical scholars would agree that the illiteracy rates in Jesus’s world were somewhere around 98 percent. 98 percent of Jesus’s fellow Jews could neither read nor write. The notion that a tekton, as Jesus is referred to in the Bible, a woodworker, which would make him the second-lowest rung on the social ladder in his time just above the slave and the indigent and the beggar, the notion that he would have had any sort of formal education, let alone the kind of education necessary to debate theological points with the scribes and the Pharisees, is difficult to reconcile with what we know of the history of the time.

Writing 3,000 alleged parodies doesn't qualify you to speak with any authority on anything. "@CC" is an insignificant and annoying presence who has proven himself a fool.
Just the Facts - December 23, 2015 - Report this comment
Also, I like men.
Rob Arndt - December 23, 2015 - Report this comment
Jtf, it would be pretty hard for the Word of God made flesh not to have been able to read or write. Consider this also: And the scribes and the Pharisees brought a woman caught in adultery, and having set her in the midst, they said to him, "Teacher, this woman has been caught in adultery, in the very act. "Now in the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women; what then do you say?" And they were saying this, testing him, in order that they might have grounds for accusing him. But Jesus stooped down, and with his finger wrote on the ground. But when they persisted in asking him, he straightened up, and said to them, "He who is without sin among you, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." And again he stooped down, and wrote on the ground. And when they heard it, they began to go out one by one, beginning with the older ones, and he was left alone, and the woman, where she was, in the midst (John 8:3-9). Jesus wasn't just doodling in the dirt. What he wrote also offended them. Set your secular humanism aside and actually read the Word of God instead of subscribing to wordly views that are distortions. Jesus preached and the Gospel spread like fire to the ends of the earth. And it was Paul ( also a Roman Citizen) who gave it to them. Remember that book called Romans?!?
Just the Facts - December 24, 2015 - Report this comment
As a possible secular humanist, I respect your feelings and tolerate your views. Therefore, it pains me to write that your first sentence brought me up short. I almost stopped reading. You make what a secularist would call "a magical assumption" and proceed to make your case based on that assumption. "Word of God made flesh?!" That is the proposition which is nonsense to all who Think, rather than Believe. I and other rational people reject the premise, yet I read all you wrote. You wrote about the words of certain First Century men! Perhaps they were inspired by a charismatic leader or, more likely, they were actors in the apotheosis of a long-term hope for a Messiah who would deliver them from colonialism. Do you not see the parallel with the fanatically religious fervor of the benighted and oppressed peoples of the Middle East?
Clearly, we have no common ground for reasoning together. Therefore, I'm signing off.
@Rob - December 24, 2015 - Report this comment
Searching the Internet, somebody named Obie wrote, "There were about 45 Jewish and pagan authors who lived in that area [the Holy Land] from about 1-100CE. Their combined works could fill a modern library. Not one of them mentions Jesus or anyone like him. That is or would be like like CNN missing the 9/11 event." What the hell! Merry Christmas, anyway.
Isaiah - December 24, 2015 - Report this comment
Rob, please stop the preaching and just beat your cutting-edge swords into plowshares and your high-tech spears into pruning hooks. Happy Festivus!
Face - December 24, 2015 - Report this comment
According to anthropologists, this is what Jesus looked like. http://www.popularmechanics.com/science/health/a234/1282186/ This isn't Jeffrey Hunter. Jesus was probably 5' 1" and weighed 110 pounds.
Chris Caillouet - December 24, 2015 - Report this comment
Hey everybody, thanks for tacking on your thoughts, and Merry JIC-mas!

@CC, I am so much more than a troll parodist and -- check it, yo -- my shi+ is rich. Could it be you’ve got the blinders on too tight to appreciate it? All I did was make a funny to explain the X in Xmas, and suddenly up popped all the stodgy fundamentalists with their condescension phasers set to “smite” (which is pretty interesting if you think about it: Isn’t the Son Of God quite capable of smiting me himself if my comments raised His Holy Hackles?). Not only that, but I was recently referred to as a “douche nozzle” in a couple of posts by an anti-fan; and just now, you described me as “insignificant,” “annoying,” and “a fool.” I couldn’t be a troll without my billy goats, McGruff.

Rob, you make some pretty good arguments -- I don’t doubt all that stuff is in the Good Book -- but as JTF has pointed out, all of That is predicated upon a certain circular illogical fanta...I mean, falsity, rooted in and sustained by a thing fundies call “Faith.”

JTF, kudos to you for trying to be a voice of reason. Alas, you were finding yourself mired in a debate of logic versus magic [sigh]. You just can’t win because Magic trumps all.

Face, he doesn’t look like he smelled very good, either. Anyone want to cite some passages where Jesus puts on deodorant? :-D

Security Code: JIC (just kidding, but wouldn’t that be hilarious?)
Rob Arndt - December 24, 2015 - Report this comment
Sorry, but the Shroud of Turin (go on and try to explain how it was created where science has failed, the carbon dating off due to fire residue from a much latter period while stored and pollen from Israel detected of much earlier time period) proves Jesus was between 5'9-5'-11, weighed between 165-189 lbs, and he was between 30-45 years old (Bible says he was 33). All right on the money. Plus, the wounds match exactly. Using logic, how and why would anyone try to make a fake of His burial Shroud? Forget Middle Age hoaxers, it dates back farther and from ME. And BTW, the Spear of Longinus is in Vienna. Hitler took it with annexation in 1938 and died within 1 hr of it's recapture by US Forces on April 30, 1945! There's also the problem of Herod's Temple sitting in Jerusalem and the Arch of Titus that shows what the Romans took from it as described in the Bible. It existed and so did Solomon's Temple with proof by relics, foundation. Jesus was in the Second Temple and preached, healed, overturned the moneychanger tables in anger. He condemned that generation for not recognizing their time of visitation and a biblical generation (40 years) later in 66 AD the Jewish Rebellion started right on schedule. By 70 AD the Romans destroyed the Temple and scattered the Israelites across the globe (also prophesied in advance). The Bible says in the latter times they would return to their land. Happened May 1948. Jerusalem and Mount retaken in 1967. Plans unveiled this year in 2015 to start building the Third Temple by 2017!!! Temple Mount Institute has recreated almost everything in your lifetime including the altar earlier this year. Jews of Levite descent are already training (have been since the '90s) and the 10th red heifer is guarded in the Negev. It is the 70th Jubilee Year from Tishri 2015 to Tishri 2016. Last two Jubilees within one year after led to the Balfour Declaration and the recapture of Jerusalem and Mount (1917 and 1967). So by 2017 something big is gonna happen in Israel. Jews this year won the right by Magistrate to worship on the Mount and so we have pending Intifada 3 with shootings, knifings, and vehicular murder by the Palis, Hamas, Hezbollah. These things are happening in real time. You seem uninformed. Did you know Iran and Hezbollah are stockpiling rockets for a massive battle against Israel by bombardment? 220,000 combined missiles from 3 sides to strike (Iran, Lebanon, and the Pali territories)? US has rushed more Patriot 2s, resupply for the Iron Dome, and now new David's Sling system arriving in Feb 2016! Israelis also have Arrow ABMs on standby and fighters and fighter-bombets at Tel Nof plus the German-supplied Type 800 Dolphin subs in the Med and elsewhere. This is happening now! And you know nothing? Baffling... Israel has reached Redline and was going to attack Iran by air and sea; start a ground war to kill Hezbollah in Lebanon; and go into Syria to remove Assad... but then the Russians showed up with Flankers, Tupolev bombers, BMPs, armed ground "advisors", and lately the S-400 system. That stopped everything cold. But don't worry, that is also prophesied in Ezekiel 38-39. A Russian-Arab Coalition attack on Israel also in the latter times! My favorite scriptures for you and those like you: " The fool has said in his heart there is no God" and "in their wisdom they became fools!" Be my guest to fire back. I am absolutely the wrong person to attack here. I suggest you read Josh McDowell's "More than a Carpenter." Jesus didn't claim to be a great Rabbi, but Messiah. So he is either Lord, Liar, or Lunatic. Most people, even atheists, do not want to call Jesus a liar or lunatic, so what does that leave? He died for your sins, salvation is free. Rejection of salvation will send you to hell by YOUR free-wil moral agent choice, not God's! "God is not willing that ANY should perish, but all come to repentance." Time is short.
Chris Caillouet - December 25, 2015 - Report this comment
I'm not finding the place where anyone attacked you specifically here, Rob, but touché. Methinks you may have gone off on a wee bit of a tangent but there’s a lot of good information there nonetheless – thanks for the lesson!
Just the Facts - December 25, 2015 - Report this comment
Chris, nobody attacked Rob personally. What we have here is a True Believer who takes every rebuke to his faith very personally and, well, loses it. Although Rob knows many factual details, he is also a diligent and thorough expert at learning and propagating religious myth, as well as an insulter of anyone who hasn't absorbed his beloved ersatz history. I promised to sign off, but I can't help addressing the Shroud of Turin hoax.
The following is excerpted from the writings of D.M. Murdock/Acharya S:

"In its quest to establish a religion to gain power and wealth, the Church forgery mill did not limit itself to mere writings but for centuries cranked out thousands of phony 'relics' of its 'Lord,' 'Apostles' and 'Saints.' Although true believers keep attempting to prove otherwise, through one implausible theory after another, the Shroud of Turin is counted among this group of frauds.

"There were at least 26 'authentic' burial shrouds scattered throughout the abbeys of Europe, of which the Shroud of Turin is just one.... The Shroud of Turin is one of the many relics manufactured for profit during the Middle Ages. Shortly after the Shroud emerged it was declared a fake by the bishop who discovered the artist. This is verified by recent scientific investigation which found paint in the image areas. The Shroud of Turin is also not consistent with Gospel accounts of Jesus' burial, which clearly refer to multiple cloths and a separate napkin over his face.

"Regarding believers' claims that the carbon-14 dating is flawed, the Committee for the Scientific Investigation of Paranormal Claims (CSICOP) relates that the 13th-14th century date revealed by C-14 was verified by three different labs: The assertion that blood and pollen matching prove the Shroud of Turin dates to at least the eighth century is -- based on the evidence -- absurd. The shroud cloth was radiocarbon dated to circa 1260-1390 by three separate laboratories. The date is consistent with a fourteenth-century bishop's report to Pope Clement VII that an earlier bishop had discovered the forger and that he had confessed.

"When it was asserted that the C-14 date was 'distorted' by the possible use of a newer patch of cloth or the carbon from a fire in the 16th century that left several burn holes in the shroud, a test in 2008 confirmed the original C-14 dating of the 13th to 14th centuries by demonstrating that the piece of cloth previously used indeed was 'representative of the whole.'

"The carbon-14 date of the 13th to 14th century coincides with the shroud's first appearance in the historical record, in the possession of a French knight in 1360. Thus, we are lacking a provenance for the shroud and can hardly make any scientific historical claim for its origin."

Now for Jesus' height and weight, for which the imprint on the Shroud is Rob's "evidence." I quote from ReligiousTolerance.Org. "We do not know whether he was tall or short. The image on the Shroud of Turin (believed by many to be the burial shroud of Jesus) is of a man variously estimated to be 5′ 11½” to 6′ 2″ tall. Jews who lived in the 1st century CE were much shorter than this. Writer William Harwood comments: 'According to a medieval writer, [the Jewish historian] Josephus described Jesus as an old-looking man, balding, stooped, with joined eyebrows and approximately 135 cm (4ft 6 in.) tall.' This is based on the standard 46 cm. long regular cubit — an ancient unit of distance. Using the 53 cm. special cubit, Jesus’ height would have been about 156 cm (5ft 1in.). Harwood also makes the point that if Jesus were really 6 feet high, his height would have been so remarkable that he would certainly have been described as a very tall person by the writers of the Christian Scriptures."
Rob Arndt - December 26, 2015 - Report this comment
http://www.newgeology.us/presentation24.html
Just the Facts - December 26, 2015 - Report this comment
I forgot to explain how the shroud was forged. The means to make photographs were available in the Middle Ages. Primarily, there was the camera obscura, a box with a lens in front. At the back wall, hang the linen which will have been pre-soaked with silver sulfate and dried. This will fix the impending image. Place the sunlit object at the correct focusing distance from the lens. Wait eight hours and you will get a negative, upside down image on the linen. Wash out the silver sulfate (urine works well) and using the Gospels as a guide, paint spots of blood on the image. This process has been tested. Just think, if you're handy you can make a Shroud of Sacramento!
Rob Arndt - December 26, 2015 - Report this comment
You are discredited troll. Try writing parodies instead Eurotrash comments spammer.
Just the Facts - December 26, 2015 - Report this comment
I am not discredited, having accepted your challenge to describe how the Shroud of Turin was forged. It was the equivalent of printing money. And I am certainly not a troll. Your link led to John Michael Fischer, an evolution denier and intelligent design advocate. Rhetorical question: Do you have a problem with evolution through Natural Selection? Your dilemma is that your holy beliefs are unshakeable, and so you seek out any claptrap that supports your addiction to religious myth. It's the same close-mindedness that marks American cable news and leads to sound-bite morons running for president. And please don't use the word "spammer." It upsets José.
Rob Arndt - December 26, 2015 - Report this comment
Reminder that evolution is just a theory and therefore not a fact as per your pathetic S/N! It is weak at best and more of a weak hypothesis. Where are all of your transitional life forms and the so-called missing link between Apes and humans? Never found, don't exist. You have nothing. Even dinosaur bones found here and there globally have been mixed together over the last century to form false complete skeletal remains. That's not only bad science but fraud. And both the Big Bang and earth's origin dates keep being adjusted by scientists who rely on accuracy, not guesstimating based on a space telescope. Poor chronology. Btw, All life on earth comes from existing life so the chicken and the egg argument is asinine as the egg is an object of REPRODUCTION of species and therefore can NEVER be first. So whether you believe God, or Alien, or Intelligent Design, the chicken was first. Period. And to stake you soul on an absurd theory that from nothing came spontaneous everything takes more faith than belief in creation. Btw, the comments section should not be spammed by non-authors. Put up your parodies or simply shut-up. CC even blew the Krampus tale. This warped version has nothing to do with the dark side of Santa's evil shadow counterpart. Just the evil of liberal, atheistic, secular humanistic hogwash. Most of the world is dominated by the Big 3 monotheistic religions that are all interconnected. Arabs are totally wrong by writing a false counter to Judaism with Muslims chosen by God over His people the Jews and Jews are only half right with the Old Covenant, having rejected the Messiah Christ as Lord and Saviour of mankind. Christianity is correct, but too many Christians forget the Jewish roots of the Messiah. YHWH is God as Trinity of Father, Son, Holy Spirit. Allah is not the same as the Quran states he is author of good and evil. Satan (aka Lucifer or Hebrew Helel) is the author of evil and is but a fallen angel of the Cherubim class, second after the Seraphim. But please don't let me put you to shame for your lack of knowledge of God's Word, troll. Go crawl back under your Rock, serpent, before you get stepped on by a jackboot.
Chris Caillouet - December 26, 2015 - Report this comment
See, this is what I love (and hate) about amiright.com. My purple parodies’ majesty appears to be either lost on or threatening to more than a few of those who behold my little brainforests, as evidenced by all the energy these hatchetmen expend hurling individual parodical trees into the wood chipper and logging their 1-votes. Rob, I get it: You are a stickler for the details and the facts as you understand and believe them – metric precision, not so much – and if anyone can drily cram his opinions and his trivia knowledge into a bath soap jingle or a CW standard over and over and over again, it’s you. There is clearly a tremendous market for that here, judging from your thousands of submissions and their high vote scores. Bravo.

My parodies are born of a distinctly different spirit and style, obviously, and I don’t shy away from satire, sarcasm, abstraction or [gasp!] humor. Sure, I misrepresented Krampus (who, methinks it needs pointing out, is a MYTHICAL figure) in my parody, but that WAS fundamentally the point. Had I wanted to expound upon the legend of Krampus and how he eats bad children, I could easily have done that, posted it as you (with some minor misspelling, of course. “Bob Ain’t”?) and it would have topped the AIR charts.

You also homed in very selectively upon just a couple of points in this piece: the whole Krampus thing, which frankly just is not a battle worth fighting since, as I said, the creative reappropriation of Krampus as a vehicle for my own message was the whole purpose and impetus for the piece – get it now?; and my juxtaposition of evolution and creationism, which asserts the former over the latter and which you have gone to great lengths to decry, placing yourself squarely in the sights of Chris Caillouet’s Krampus. Is that why you feel you have been attacked personally, and have been so aggressively defensive in response? Rising up as a Christianity apologist who uses fire-and-brimstone Old Testament language and suggests that someone ought to get “stepped on by a jackboot” simply for challenging your points of view, you are unabashedly identifying yourself as one of the worst of the worst, a Jesus-hawking hypocrite who has mistaken himself for God in his unwavering adoration and flexing of the Bible. Is this the result of a happy, or of a horrible past?

In case you missed them, here are a couple other evils my Krampus disdains:

* Black and white/absolute/us vs. them thinking and attitudes. For example: “If you’re not for us, you’re against us”; “If you are not pro-life, you are a baby killer”; “If you’re not first, you’re last”; “If you don’t pray to my god, he will smite you to hell”; “All Muslims (foreigners/gays/liberals/drug users/etc.) are bad”; compromise being viewed as unacceptable; and so on. Being absolutely certain of what is appropriate for every situation means you never have to think too deeply about any specific situation. Don’t you know it’s impolite to breath with your mouth open? CC’s Krampus does. Off with your thumbs!

* Using patronizing, ideals-based arguments to justify vilification, oppression and discrimination against entire swaths of the population, all while pursuing that beefy financial bottom line at any cost or consequence. For example: abortion, gay marriage, marijuana use, fossil fuel and fracking addiction, etc. There is a willful and stubborn ignorance that underpins such attitudes and the very real, discernible negative effects they bring upon people and the planet when put into practice. Krampus no like. Bye-bye, thumbs!
Chris Caillouet - December 26, 2015 - Report this comment
Finally, to your recurring reminder that estimates such as the age of the universe and the Earth keep changing: That only goes to show that the astronomers and astrophysicists aren’t done yet, and they know it. Is that so wrong? They have enough humility to understand that they haven’t yet found the ultimate answer to everything, and their desire to know their universe better drives them to keep on trying, continually refining their instruments and measurements and producing results that are ever more precise, enlightening and awe-inspiring. That stands in stark contrast to biblical fundies who already know everything that there is to know because it’s all in a cryptic, self-authenticating tome compiled thousands of years ago, whose messages and meaning, conveniently for them, can be interpreted and wielded a thousand different ways. For them, apparently, concepts of Hell should afford mankind sufficient shock and awe for all of eternity. Whether you care to admit any validity to evolutionary theory per se, I personally find the idea of a universe of dust and gas and flora and fauna that is constantly cranking out new surprises for us to discover far more captivating and compelling than one that was created with a few fell swoops of some anthropomorphic creator’s magic wand. I mean, really, if you had any true desire to understand your remotest origins and the meaning behind it all, why would you just stop there? The fundamental flaw in my rhetorical question, I suppose, lies in its assumption that a driving practical curiosity about the universe does exist in the well-Bible-versed and Bible-focused. Your personal agenda is starkly different from mine, so arguing the Bible against evolutionary theory (or vice versa) is nonsensical, as they belong to entirely separate and disparate disciplines, viz. religious philosophy and science, the former being grounded in mysticism and culture and the latter in empiricism and logic. Am I wrong?
Chris Caillouet - December 26, 2015 - Report this comment
P.S. Rob, just wondering if movies like The Santa Clause offend you in the same way, because Santa isn't REALLY just some average Tim Allen-looking guy who magically transforms around the holidays into a reluctant Old Saint Nick?
Rob Arndt - December 26, 2015 - Report this comment
Science rules and logic? OK, again I request that you provide proof of evolution via transitional life forms (fish with legs, etc...) and the missing link between Apes and humans. You can't because neither exist. Second, I have proven you wrong with the chicken vs egg argument. All life comes from existing life. The egg can never be first as it is an object of REPRODUCTION. So who created (key word) it? You have no answer. Third, Darwin's "Survival of the fittest" is definitely proven wrong over the millennia due to those that sacrificed themselves for others be it the 300 Spartans, a soldier throwing himself on a grenade, the cop or bodyguard that gets killed shielding another or ultimately Jesus Christ who died for mankind's sins. No greater love than a man laying down his life for another. Biblical. The ultimate sacrifice. Makes humanity stronger in the face of evil. Darwin proven wrong. Where is he now? In hell along with Nietzsche, a range of intellectuals, scientists, and other spiritually dead folks. Btw, you failed to mention that not all scientists or teachers, other professionals agree on the theory (there's the correct term again) of evolution. Many believe in creationism or Intelligent Design (whether alien or Deity). And since the majority of this planet of over 7 billion believe in a personal God and spirituality (which predates the material world) then you and Pseudo Man appear to be in the minority and using base logic, YOU are being illogical!!! Ironic, isn't it? But I give you your free will as Christ does. Continue to believe in a lie. Live it up if this is it for you both. And finally, if there is no God and no moral absolutes then Hitler had the absolute right by power alone to attempt to kill all Jews, Roma, subhuman scum, and conquer the world. You make him justified as there are no afterlife consequences. Today, that is the immoral equivalent of supporting ISIS. Congrats!!! Your logic world of "do your own will, make _yourself_ God" is leading to chaos, not any form of better world. Your science also produced climate change! And tell me, if evolution is valid why no change in mankind over 6000 years of recorded history? Adaptation? Certainly. Evolution? Nothing. NFR
Just the Facts - December 26, 2015 - Report this comment
Where to start educating the uneducable? I'll try. You want a fish with legs? Heeeere's Tiktaalik, aka the fishibian or the fishapod http://tiktaalik.uchicago.edu/meetTik2.html It was a large scaled fish that showed a perfect transition between fins and feet, aquatic and land animals.
You probably think that the evolutionary progression of Man can be pictured, cartoon-like, as a parade of creatures from the primitive to the present. Wrong, Bible Breath! The distribution of ancestors, cousins, uncles, etc., is represented by a bush. Man and chimp have a common ancestor. They diverged into two branches. Each branch had twigs, which had twigs... Holy Louis Leakey! Do I have to tell you of the vast, yet incomplete fossil record? Go look it up.
BS Detector - December 26, 2015 - Report this comment
http://creationrevolution.com/is-the-famous-fish-fossil-finished/
Just the Facts - December 26, 2015 - Report this comment
@BS Detector: You have a lot of nerve wasting my time and giving me a link to Creation Revolution, a creationist rag. A fellow named Will entered the only comment on the site -- one year ago:
"Vertebrate paleontologist in training here: The fact that these trace fossil footprints were discovered does not destroy Tiktaalik's status as a transitional fossil. If the author of this absurd article had ever read a single book on paleobiology, he would understand that just because tiktaalik was not the first animal to walk on land does not mean that it did not share a close common ancestor with the ancestral tetrapod that created these tracks. It is still a transitional fossil and it still belongs to the clade in which all tetrapods belong."
BS Detector - December 26, 2015 - Report this comment
Yeah, and a Komodo Dragon is a dinosaur!
? - December 26, 2015 - Report this comment
Is supposition now fact?
Curious - December 26, 2015 - Report this comment
Eighty-four percent of the world believes in God, so Chris and company are in the other low sixteen percent which includes undecideds. Shouldn't this end this discussion?
Phil Alexander - December 27, 2015 - Report this comment
@Curious - 84% of the world believes in some sort of god, most of them mutually contradictory, even within Christian believers, what different sects believe their god to be varies. The thought that might "end the discussion" is more than a little bit risible. And while you're at it, you might want to check why "argumentum ad populum" is generally thought of as a fallacy.
Chris Caillouet - December 27, 2015 - Report this comment
Chris Caillouet - December 27, 2015 - Report this comment
> Eighty-four percent of the world believes in God

Three words: lowest common denominator. Actually, I prefer to think of myself as belonging to the top 16% (it's a glass half-full thing). The rarefied air is nice up here above all the mouth-breathers' halitosis.
Chris Caillouet - December 27, 2015 - Report this comment
Rob, you keep harping on about the whole evolution thing, but I thought my final point (above the P.S.) made it clear that it would be futile of me to engage in a cross disciplinary debate with you, whose sole argument reduces to “Evolution is a theory – JUST a theory – and it can’t be proven, therefore: The Bible!” Seriously, if you really want to believe that God built the Earth out of Playdough and then sprinkled a bunch of chickens on it, I’m certainly not going to waste my breath trying to disabuse you of the notion.

And again, you keep missing (or more likely avoiding) the finer points of my holiday jingle, which are all about holding a mirror up to horrible people just…like…you. The more you blather on, the more obvious it is why.
Justin Timberlake - December 27, 2015 - Report this comment
I'm bringing sexy back!
Barney Rulz - December 27, 2015 - Report this comment
BARNEY! BARNEY! BARNEY LUVS U!!!
Davin - December 27, 2015 - Report this comment
Chris is a nutter gone batty.
Chris Caillouet - December 27, 2015 - Report this comment
Davin, Mommy needs her iPad back, sweetie, now go play with your binky.
Jimmy Fallon - December 28, 2015 - Report this comment
Bring it, JT!

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