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Song Parodies -> "If Snails Had A Mailbox"

Original Song Title:

"If Hell Had A Jukebox"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Travis Tritt

Parody Song Title:

"If Snails Had A Mailbox"

Parody Written by:

Tim Mayfield

The Lyrics

They could have sent the message here by swallow
Crickets wouldn't even take this long
I swear a squirrel tiptoed all the way from Mississippi
But I still have yet to hear my doorbell gong
There's many paths I think they could have taken
I wonder when I'll ever get my mail
Cause when I called them on the phone
Asking will it reach my home?
They simply said they sent it via snail

Bet money, if snails had a mailbox
All the neighbors would complain it takes too long
You had better be believing
Since no mail they'd be receiving
Don't you see snails never leave their home

I've heard from folks that size can be deceiving
And still I'm thinking snails can't be that strong
When I picture him struggle beneath a big box
Using snails to deliver mail just seems so wrong
If someone didn't see him, could be messy
Now that's disgusting, still it could be worse
Could be a'salted, bad, I know, melted, what a way to go
Not first choice on how to end the second verse

Bet money, if snails had a mailbox
Well you know their street address would be unknown
And no mail they would be leaving
To their house they're always cleaving
Don't you see snails never leave their home

(very small break)

Bet money, if snails had a mailbox
Wouldn't matter cause no snail would ever roam
Since their roof is never leaking
Out the house they're never sneaking
Don't you see snails never leave their home

No they'd never have a reason
Any month and any season
Don't you know snails never leave their home

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 13

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
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 0
 
 2   0
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 0
 
 3   0
 0
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 4   0
 0
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 5   13
 13
 13
 

User Comments

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Kristof Robertson - May 11, 2005 - Report this comment
I love the way your mind works sometimes, Tim! 555
Royce Miller - May 11, 2005 - Report this comment
DKTOS, but voted anyway.
Rick D - May 11, 2005 - Report this comment
I hope Claude doesn't slug you for this.
AFW - May 11, 2005 - Report this comment
This moves pretty fast for a snail song...Intriguing idea..
Tim Mayfield - May 11, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanks Kristof, Royce, Rick and AFW.

Kristof, I can't help it, it processes without me sometimes.

Rick, umm, why would Claude slug me?

AFW, this leaves room for "Super Snail" and other pathetic heroes, I guess. Stronger than a wet noodle. Faster than an hour on Sunday. Able to leap tall water bears with a single bound. Look down on the ground, it's a turd, it's a stain, no it's Super Snail! Secretly cavorting around as a mild mannered garden slug, it dons it's shell and becomes "Super Snail". Fighting for roots, custards and the American pay.
Jeff Reuben - May 12, 2005 - Report this comment
Very nice...going the country route =)
Tim Mayfield - May 12, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanks Jeff. I actually did go the country route recently, it was gorgeous. Well, except for every 50 yards or so when you see what the lumber companies have done to the forest.
Dumb Ass Kid - June 08, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM: DKTOS
Agrimorfee - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM05) DKTOS, but you got a lot of mileage out of a pretty goofy concept. That's admirable!
Charlie Decker - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Very funny!
Rick C - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM05) Some great lines here!
Red Ant - June 09, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) This is pretty bizarre Tim, but I like it. Oddly enough the funniest part to me was the "(very small break)". Love it when breaks/instrumentals are parodied.
Tim Mayfield - June 10, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanks Agrimorfee, Charlie, Rick and Red Ant.
Scathe - June 15, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) This is the longest pun ever.
Adagio - June 15, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM05) DKTOS, but it was a funny one just to read...5's
Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd - June 23, 2005 - Report this comment
DKTOS but a good read. Noone else seems to have picked out the "Could be a'salted, bad, I know, melted, what a way to go" line yet so I'll mention it (is that folklore about snails, salt and melting true BTW? I never tested, even as a kid). As for Rick's comment about Claude, it's a reference to Claude actually being a mailman (but he might exspand on that himself when he comes to comment).
Spaff.com - June 24, 2005 - Report this comment
If hell had a jukebox, it would play Travis Tritt 24/7. That's all the reason I need to do some serious repenting. PRONTO.

Rick D: "Slug" you - heh heh. I actually did pour salt on slugs when I was a kid. Turned them into 7-Eleven nacho cheese. That's one of the things I need to repent of. PRONTO.

Clever and funny, Tim the Enchanter. I'm with Red Ant on the "(very small break)" and with Peter on the "a'salted" line - though my favorite is the one after that. And don't look now, but that snail-mail truck is full of "S" CARGO!
John Jenkins - June 26, 2005 - Report this comment
How else are snails going to find out about low interest rate home loans if they don't have mail boxes? Bizarrely clever idea with a lot of good lines.
Tim Mayfield - June 27, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanks Scathe, Adagio,K1chyd, Spaff and John.

K1chyd, they look like they are melting because they secrete as much mucus as they can muster when they are a'salted. What they are really doing is drying up. They have no deadskin protecting their dermal layer and with all that mucus they secrete, the salt can pull the liquid right out of them.
Johnny D - June 28, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Love the tip-toeing squirrel!
Mikey Squirrel - June 28, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I DKTOS but thankfully my wife does. I got her CD and (forcefully)listened to it. I guess it should be obvious what line I like the best. Only this (Mikey) Squirrel tiptoed all the way from Mississauga, Canada. Eeerie coincidence? Probably. Great job. I won't snail-mail your tri-fives. :)
Arwen - June 28, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM--there probably aren't many folks in Wyoming who don't know this OS, dammit. Damn my natural tendency to go against the grain...; ) A fun read, none the less, Tim...=)
Stuart McArthur - June 29, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM)...because there'd be a lot of "Dear John" letters to families of snails foolishly touring France, Tim - anyway, it's about time those snails learnt how to email like the rest of us - loved the kookiness of this one
Jeff Reuben - June 30, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM--see above
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - June 30, 2005 - Report this comment
I second Scathe here. You managed to keep the one joke funny for the whole song. I enjoyed it very much, even though it arrived with a little slime around the edges.
2nz - July 01, 2005 - Report this comment
Clever all around, clever story, clever take, clever word-play. Especially liked "a'salted".
Tim Mayfield - July 07, 2005 - Report this comment
Thanks Johnny, Mikey, Arwen, Stuart, Jeff, Jake/Luke and 2nz.

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