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Song Parodies -> "I Like Big Fonts"

Original Song Title:

"Baby Got Back"

Original Performer:

Sir Mix-a-Lot

Parody Song Title:

"I Like Big Fonts"

Parody Written by:

Bob Gomez

The Lyrics

OFFICE ASSISTANT: Oh. My. God. Becky, look at this font. It is so big. *scoff* It looks like, one of those Life mag covers. But, y'know, who understands editors? *scoff* You only notice it, because, it looks like an 18 Cooper Black, 'kay? I mean, this font, is just so big. *scoff* I can't believe it's just so round, it's like, out there, I mean - gross. Look! It's just soblack!
I like big fonts and I can not lie!
Them tiny muthas strain my eyes!
And when a fax comes in with an itty bitty print
And a font that makes you squint
You can't read!
Microscopical screed!
And you're cussin' the fax machine--
"Bleep!" at the sheet you're swearin';
The office assistant's glarin'!
Oh baby, no skinny Lucida--
Or Book Antiqua--
My email buds all scorn me,
"Cause when I cut and paste, it defaults to 40!
Ooh, like a Rockwell!
You say you want my jaw to lock up?
Then bold me, hue me!
Don'tcha dare Helvetica Neue me!
You want attention?
The hell with condensin'!
Go thick, stacked,
Get it goin' like a Cooper Black!
I'm tired of magazines
Showin' pale fonts over green--
Take the average dingbat and ask him that--
It's gotta pack much black!
So, fellas! ("Yeah!") Fellas! ("Yeah!")
Is your webpage supersexed? ("Hell, yeah!")
Tell 'em to paste it! ("Paste it!") Paste it! ("Paste it!")
Paste that monster text!
Gimme phat phont!

(Big typeface with underlining)
20-point font!

I like "em bold, and big--
My docs are bustin' a gig!
I just can't help myself, I'm writin' it in Arial--
How secretarial!
I wanna hit that zoom
And click, double-up, click, click!
I hate narrow or script words,
And Copperplate Light was made for nerds!
I want 'em real thick and juicy!
So find that Braggadocio--
Monaco's a no-show!
Beggin' for Helvetica Bold-show!
When I'm lookin' at art on the walls,
Gimme them large print catalogs, y'all!
You can keep them docents!
Got-damn volunteers make no sense!
A word to the soul food venues: I wanna large menu!
I won't cuss or "N" you
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna read
Till the break of dawn--
My library's open long!
A lot of pimps won't like this song
'Cause them apes like to listen to book tapes,
And I'd rather turn the page!
My mind's flexed, I dig text,
And I'm down to get the fiction checked!
So, ladies! ("Yeah!") Ladies! ("Yeah!")
If you think an 8-point bites like rabies--("Yeah!")
Then scroll it down! Pick it out!
24-point's got some clout!
Arial Black!

Arial Black!

"Yeah, baby...when it comes to emails, Calisto ain't got nothin'
to do with my selection. 36? 24? 36? Ha ha, only if it's MT"

So your temp clerk types in Geeza, and she sounds like Condoleezza,
But geez! I can't read your letter in italic Geneva!
My paragraphical format
Mos' def'ly packs more fat!
You can do sidebars or footnotes,
But please don't squeeze that font!
Some writers wanna play with symbols
Forgettin' that the font ain't bold,
So they paste it and leave it--
And I click, select and unsqueeze it!
So Boss-Man digs 10-point?
Well, he can suck my joint!
Baskerville is ill but the STENCIL's kickin'--
The page view, it needs thick'nin'!
To the beanpole words in the magazines:
You're tone-deaf, G-string!
I see a drop cap, it's just a stopgap--
Those "zines, they print lollipop pap!
Some chucklehead's feelin' pissed,
Only three fonts on his list!
He had Jazz but he chose to mute it,
But I like "em black and big-booted!
So ladies, if the system's down,
And you're sick of lanky fonts, get round,
Google up "free fonts"! Textify!
And click them monsta fonts,
Gimme phat phont!

Legible and readable a big phat phont!
Legible and readable a big phat phont!
Legible and readable a big phat phont!
Legible and readable a big phat phont!

Gimme phat phont!
┬ęBob "Notorious B.O.B." Gomez 2006

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.9
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 33

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   2
 5   31

User Comments

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Red Ant - January 26, 2006 - Report this comment
Great stuff Bob though if "phont" is something other than an alternate spelling for font you'll have to elaborate.
alvin rhodes - January 26, 2006 - Report this comment
too funny...i'd love to hear a recorded version
AFW - January 26, 2006 - Report this comment
I can tell a lot of work went into this...and Aaay! you are the Fonts!--top fives
Stephen Harrington - January 26, 2006 - Report this comment
555, ammusing, I've had an idea for this song, but don't own the album.
John Barry - January 26, 2006 - Report this comment
A fives-worthy font of levity and info.
Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd - January 26, 2006 - Report this comment
Bob, this parody is so darn good that it would have been a serious candidate for the SOTM medals in ANY of the months of 2005, and considering the amount of good stuff we've seen there that's high praise I'll assure you. I hope to see you (and this parody) in the next round, I really do, and now I'll have to go and search for a 555 pack of lemons just to wipe the big smile of my face. :-)
Bob Gomez - January 26, 2006 - Report this comment
So fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!) Thanks for readin' the text!
Now it's back to writin' a tune about Bush or cowboy sex!....d;:^)
Matthias - January 26, 2006 - Report this comment
The best one today, with the best font today!!!
No Stranger - February 04, 2006 - Report this comment
brilliant, loved it
Jack Wilson - September 22, 2006 - Report this comment
DAM this is HILARIOUS 555!
Peregrin - June 24, 2012 - Report this comment
I saw this WAY too late, Bob. I know you haven't been around for a while, but maybe you check comments? This is a work of art, and damn hard work to boot> Great stuff :)
Phileo Marketing - July 20, 2019 - Report this comment
LOVE THIS!! Kudos to all the time you put into this!

The author of the parody has authorized comments, and wants YOUR feedback.

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