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Song Parodies -> "Ex-Wife Number Five"

Original Song Title:

"Mambo Number 5"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Lou Bega

Parody Song Title:

"Ex-Wife Number Five"

Parody Written by:

Phil Alexander

The Lyrics

The subject of today's autopsy: my ex-wife number 5

One, two, three, four, five
That's the body count of my ex-wives
To the confusion of the coroner
With the post-mortem done, he don't
Know what made her a goner
Tox report took sev'ral weeks
I had a peek
It's nearly six inches deep
They found aconite, cyanide, hemlock and ricin
And so they don't know what it was
That did my wife in
What can they do, it's going just like I thought
In the toxicology report
So do they know exactly what possessed me
I hope, no they won't arrest me

Chorus:
A little bit of arsenic in my wife
A little Claustridium tetani
A little bit of phosgene in the air
A little hyoscamine in the hair
A little bit of fugu fish toxin
A little phytohaemagglutinin
A bit of botulinus now and then
A little bit of Po-lon-yum two-ten

Ex-wife number five

So what went down, laid her in the ground?
All the things they found
Intended to confound
They check for that
And check for this
Samples from hair, tissue, blood and piss
Test for it once
And test for it twice
And if it says "yes"
Then it's probably right

Chorus:
A little bit of mercury in my wife
A little bit of hydrogen sulphide
A bit of amanita's found as well
A bit of ciguatera they can tell
A little bit of thallium in her thumb
A little bit of barium in her bum
A little bit of strychnine here and there
A little bit of morphine every where

Ex-wife number five

But what made her die
Is baffling the guy from the CSI
More tests run, a GLC:
A gas-liquid chromatography

Chorus:
A little bit of iocane in my wife
A little bit of hyoscine on the knife
A little bit of listeria, raw
A little bit of H2SO4
A little bit of C4 and a fuse
A little bit of euphorbia juice
A little bit of ecstasy in her mind
A little bit of ever'thing I could find
Your starter for ten: which of the above is not a real poison, and from which film does it come?

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Total Votes: 15

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Ravyn Rant - December 18, 2006 - Report this comment
Iocane? Princess Bride? Oh, and fives for you from somebody's ex-wife #1.
Phil Alexander - December 18, 2006 - Report this comment
My word, that was quick :-) Well done, Ravyn... guess I'll have to make it harder next time. Thanks.
alvin rhodes - December 18, 2006 - Report this comment
an amazing mixture of jauntiness and polysyllabic fun
Below Average Dave - December 18, 2006 - Report this comment
Was this some kind of challenge, if challenges make you turn Mambo into Wife Sushi, I hope you get challeneged more often-5s
Phil Alexander - December 18, 2006 - Report this comment
Thanks, alvin
BAD - not really a challenge, but an idea that came to me after thinking of the "corner"/"coroner" sub and trying to figure out how to fit a coroner into a parody :-) But feel free to throw out a challenge: there's a few writers here who are always up for one...
Adagio - December 18, 2006 - Report this comment
That's a good one. Lots of poisonous terms I'm not familiar with. You mean barium is a poison?
Jack Wilson - December 18, 2006 - Report this comment
AWESOME! 555!
Phil Alexander - December 18, 2006 - Report this comment
Pat - soluble barium compounds are pretty toxic, yes:
"Small amounts of water-soluble barium may cause a person to experience breathing difficulties, increased blood pressures, heart rhythm changes, stomach irritation, muscle weakness, changes in nerve reflexes, swelling of brains and liver, kidney and heart damage." - I'm not sure if it's ever used for poisoning, but then I'd not heard of Polonium being used as such until very recently.
MasonR - December 18, 2006 - Report this comment
H2SO4...the ultimate acid trip! Brilliantly done, Phil!
susanna Viljanen - December 18, 2006 - Report this comment
As a chemical engineer I'd recognize everything except iocaine - that's from Princess Bride.

Speaking of chemistry, besides the metallurgy... ahhh, all those alkaloids. Good old-fashioned nicotine has LD50 of 1/10th that of potassium cyanide. If I really should poison anyone, I'd buy a pack of cigarettes, extract the nicotine off into ethanol with soxhlet, and then an eyedropper would do the rest. One cigarette has enough nicotine to kill two adult human beings if ingested.
Kristof Robertson - December 18, 2006 - Report this comment
Arrggghhh! Really big words! Really big words! My brain hurts! ;-) Scientifically super, Phil...555
Susanna Viljanen - December 18, 2006 - Report this comment
Actually C-4 isn't a poison either - that is plastique explosive consisting mainly of hexogen (RDX, cyclonite). Ever prepared TNT in lab?
Phil Alexander - December 18, 2006 - Report this comment
I know, Susanna - but I wanted the "fuse"/"juice" rhyme. Re your last question, for some reason making explosives wasn't part of my school/university chemistry syllabus. Can't think why...
The Charnstar - December 18, 2006 - Report this comment
Phil's been gettin' around with 5's. You kill me Phil
AFW - December 18, 2006 - Report this comment
Comical chemistry lesson
Susanna Viljanen - December 19, 2006 - Report this comment
Of the "interesting" molecules, I've prepared ethanol, aspirin, amphetamine, TNT, PETN, codeine (and certain other stuff left unmentioned) in lab. (For purely scientific curiosity, of course.) Preparing nitroglycerol was strictly forbidden, as the process is extremely dangerous. My main subject was organics.

On Toxicology for Fun and Profit, how about preparing a tournedos dinner with a lovely false morel sauce? False morel (Gyromitra esculenta) is called "the fugu of Finnish kitchen" and not for in vain - that mushroom contains gyromitrin, which decomposes into methyl hydrazine (read: rocket fuel) in metabolism. False morels are utterly delicious if the mushrooms have been properly prepared, but deadly poisonous if not.
Meriadoc - December 19, 2006 - Report this comment
Obviously the singer and his wife just didn't have the right chemistry... ;-)
Stuart McArthur - January 24, 2007 - Report this comment
just like with TT's grammatical efforts, the "Phil A" fingerprints on this one literally glow in the dark - very funny reading - and here's an idea along the same lines that would be perfect for you: "Poisoned Lover" or "Poisoned Mother" to "Boys Of Summer" - 555
Jason Brill - July 10, 2007 - Report this comment
this was posted earlier and i quote "As a chemical engineer I'd recognize everything except iocaine - that's from Princess Bride. Speaking of chemistry, besides the metallurgy... ahhh, all those alkaloids. Good old-fashioned nicotine has LD50 of 1/10th that of potassium cyanide. If I really should poison anyone, I'd buy a pack of cigarettes, extract the nicotine off into ethanol with soxhlet, and then an eyedropper would do the rest. One cigarette has enough nicotine to kill two adult human beings if ingested." -Kristof Robertson - December 18, 2006 Thats amazing, by the way how many wives have you had??

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