What a crappy time, all Frodo does is whine
About the "ring" and stabbing Sting into orcs
I am one of those ver-tic-lly challenged fools
Who should've stayed at home, coz I hate long walks

Ringwraiths, malevolent and grim
And Frodo's mind's f***ed off on him
That Gollum's such a pr**k
And lembas* makes me si-ick
Wish I was in the Shire...getting stoned!

We made Rivendell; we thought we'd done our spell
'Til Elrond conned us into taking a trip
Started off with nine, and things were going fine
'Til Gandalf took a dive, the cranky old drip!

That Pippin's such a clumsy jerk
And Legolas is just hard work
And I caught Aragorn
Reading some elvish po-orn..
The Fellowship's a joke....I should know!

Miss my hobbit hole,
Man, I want to go home..

Instrumental (with Sam mumbling angrily to himself)
*Bloody Gimli...tell ME I'm fat...Balrog needs to bloody well chill out....what the f**k's going on with those uruk-hai?...mumblemumble...*

So here I am in Emyn Muil
I'm tired and hungry; what a tool!
I traded in romance
And Rosie Cotton's pa-ants
For this suicidal scenario!!