Blame it all on the soot
That stuck to my boot
I tracked all across their rug
No one is mad now
But they'd have a cow
If they weren't upstairs sleeping snug
Their fireplace flue
Could sure use a crew
Of Mary Poppins' type sprouts
And though I've left gifts
There will soon be a tiff
If I don't get my X-M-Ass out

Cause I've left coal
Dust in some places
That they never figured
Santa's face is
Prone to go
Oh, but soon they'll know

And I'm too rushed
To clean this mess up
I've got to come clean
Santa needs to 'fess up
Cause I've left black
Tracks in white places

The time on their phone
While try'n to phone home
Will soon show up on their bill
Their freezer is nice
Got plenty of ice
Cold beer to give my gut a chill

The good stuff's been stashed
Their cellar's been trashed
I'm surfing the 'net
But who cares?
There's plenty of proof
Leading straight to the roof
Next time I think
I'll take the stairs!

Cause I've left tin-sel
in suitcases
No telling what I'd give
To see their faces
Come the morn
With their looks of scorn

So I'm no fig-ment
Of Christmas season
You had better be good
I don't need a reason
To leave black coal
Prints in white places

Well, I left beard hair
In the gravy
And I know it seems
That I've gone crazy
I might be nuts
Or maybe just a klutz

I've left my mark
This giving season
I'm holiday'd out
Now it's Christmas treason
Won't make amends
For tracks in white places