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Song Parodies -> "Eat the French"

Original Song Title:

"Be Our Guest"

Original Performer:

Disney's Beauty and the Beast

Parody Song Title:

"Eat the French"

Parody Written by:

The Lyrics

My dear readers, Because this is certain to cause concern among the satirically impaired, let me make this clear: I do not actually advocate the consumption of all of the people of France. I only suggest - the French ones.
Eat - the - French!
Eat the French!
Your bon appetites they'll quench!
Though they smell a bit like snail, inhale
That gay Parisian stench
Try them whole - or pureed
I'll take Nice-Brest, creme bruleed!
Sheer delight, one bite determines
Don't believe me? Ask the Germans!

They ooze spice - and romance
After all, chere, this is France!
Join the game, ma dame; get off the stupide bench
Come on and take your fill a
All this Francophilia
Eat the French
Oui, the French
Eat the French!

Feet ragout; Nancy hands
Fresh or frozen or from Cannes
Bake true artwork from the pieces
Like Matisses and Cezannes
Getting full? C'est dommage!
Try this dish, avec fromage!
Yes, I know it's rather phallic
But at least it's small; it's Gallic!

Zee heart wants - what it wants
But my gut prefers Provence
Though those folks get old and tough as Judi Dench
As for the fashion scene
We'll make it haute cuisine
And eat the French!
S'il vous plait
It's fine dining - on Francais!
Eat the French! Eat the French! Eat the French!

Dinners we're devizhing
From this place so disoblizhing
Far from hope and dear Europa, they've withdrawn
Ah, those good old days when France was useful
Suddenly those good old days are gone
Many years they've snubbed us
In a wrongish way, they've rubbed us
And they've simply kept us waiting for Toulon
Menus, therefore, now define the Frenchies:
Bumptious and presumptuous
But sauteed they're rather scrumptious!

Eat a Frog! Eat a Toad!
A la carte or a la mode
We'll share bites of Paris-ites
And gobble Frog legs by the load!
Put away - St Tropez
As one chomps the Elysees
I'll need Chardonnay colonics
'Cause I'm hooked on Francophonics!

Cooking coq - and foie gras
Is a Champagne in the as
But they're pleasin' with some Bries 'n' Ro-que-forts
Try Dijonnaise with booze
You've no more days, Toulouse
The premiere course?
But it's coarse!

Eat the French! Eat the French!
Down a Marseillesian wench!
Tastes like pork so grab your knife and salad fork
And croissant wrench
Tour de France? Tour Eiffel?
Oui, we'll sample those as well
They're tres magnifique, no question
Never mind the indigestion!

Feast - all - day!
Even nights!
If they shout "Zees rheally bites!"
We'll go slow, though, with Bordeaux, we'll still get drenched
We'll toast their Bastille freedom
No, screw that! Just eat 'em!
Eat the French!
Eat the French!
Eat the French!


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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
Overall Score: 

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.7
How Funny: 4.5
Overall Rating: 4.6

Total Votes: 41

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   2
 2   0
 3   2
 4   2
 5   35

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

stuart mcarthur - October 25, 2005 - Report this comment
Fantastic stuff, Grandmaster Spaff - dense with brilliance as usual - every line a treat as usual, although if I had to pick one, it would be "Is a Champagne in the as" - loved the whole rollicking thing - 555
DKTOS? - October 25, 2005 - Report this comment
Don't Know The Original Song? It's temporarily available at

And merci beaucoup, s2art.
Tim Mayfield - October 25, 2005 - Report this comment
Yes, brilliant but gross. Not unlike some other parodies of yours.. ;-)
Phil Alexander - October 25, 2005 - Report this comment
Like, er.. wow. An incredibly high density of Francophagic puns... if I had to choose a favourite, it'd have to be "Chomps the Elysees", or possibly "Paris-ites". Makes you wonder what Kristof'll come up with in reply ;-)
Arwen - October 25, 2005 - Report this comment
Dammit, Spaff! I generally do like to list a favorite line...but once again, (bastard), you've eliminated THAT option, by providing FAR too many. So...just so you know...My first LOL was "Don't believe me? Ask the Germans," and I was chuckling all the way through until "Zees rheally bites!" (everything after that just sucked...)
John Barry - October 25, 2005 - Report this comment
Zees eez a five-star parody, monsieur! Eef your name eez Goulet, you taste like poulet., eh?
Stephen aka Step-chan - October 25, 2005 - Report this comment
Wicked..... 555. 0___o
Rick C - October 25, 2005 - Report this comment
"Chomp the Elysees" among many others is incredible (accent on the second "i" s'il vous plait). Masterful! (now who's a fan and a suckup?) Trois Cinqs
Lazarus - October 25, 2005 - Report this comment
You have now officially crossed the line, El Jefe....the supposedly invincible Maginot (French for imaginary) line...and have now made the French your sworn enemy. Is that trembling in you boots from laughter that I hear? Being as stupid as they are, they are probably assembling an invasion force of killer chefs as we speak, preparing to invade Spaff-dom and acquire your recipes by force. I have never eaten a Frenchman, but their women are delicious. Almost as good as this parody.
Rex - October 25, 2005 - Report this comment
Tres magnifique!!!!
Peter Andersson - October 25, 2005 - Report this comment
You're such a Cannes-ibal, but if you've tried Cannes-balls I don't wanna know about it.
Ravyn Rant - October 25, 2005 - Report this comment
This time, I thought I was being smart when I saw that Spaff had done a new parody. I put my water glass down before I read the title (so I wouldn't spray my nice new flat screen monitor). I figured I was over the bronchitis, so I didn't risk any asthma attacks while I was rolling on the floor laughing. All the office management is at an industry convention so I could cackle to my heart's content. Damn! I laughed till I choked anyway. More than once. My co-workers have decided I'm insane, but they think Spaff's a hoot!
Kyla - October 25, 2005 - Report this comment
I didn't think it was too funny, but I think it's written quite well.
Claude Prez - October 25, 2005 - Report this comment
Whoa. This is okay, but I want Kyla to direct me to a FUNNY one. No big rush, I got time....
Guest - October 25, 2005 - Report this comment
Why do you want her to do that? Why not have someone else direct you to one, Mr. Prez?
Dominic L. - October 25, 2005 - Report this comment
Pretty funny. I like the way you varied the verses
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - October 25, 2005 - Report this comment
'Pretty funny'... 'I didn't think it was too funny'... such comments make me weep. Too many brilliant lines to mention, but I particularly loved 'croissant wrench' and every city pun. And every other pun. And it was all rhymed exquisitely. For this Titanic effort: sank sank sank.
John Jenkins - October 25, 2005 - Report this comment
Outstanding, Spaff. Like Luke, I thought the croissant wrench line stood out; but, of course, so did almost every other line. Do you need volunteers for the video?
Claude Prez - October 26, 2005 - Report this comment
Good idea, Mr. "Guest". Here, I found one already:
Johnny D - October 27, 2005 - Report this comment
Dominic L. - October 27, 2005 - Report this comment
Ok, ok... not just "pretty funny", but ESPECIALLY FUNNY! great job
leo jay - October 28, 2005 - Report this comment
Umm... hasn't everyone already eaten Paris?

The number of brilliant Franco-geographic puns astound, Monsieur. Magnifique!
2nz - October 28, 2005 - Report this comment
I feel like I know some French language now... damn you.

Extremely well-written, Mr. Spafford. - November 05, 2005 - Report this comment
Lazarus: I'm really glad you're back from the dead.

Ravyn: I apologize for the ongoing health problems. You can send me your doctor bills. I won't pay them, of course, but you can send them.

Luke: No, sank YOU.

Johnny BD: Oui oui. That's the secret ingredient in Grey Poupon. Oui oui.

Everyone: MERCI, BEAU CUL. Your comments are excellent. I really ate them up.
Josh 2 - November 09, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) i felt pacing was off on a few lines, but i jsut might be forgetting the song, 455
Arwen - November 09, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM...didn't think it was likely that I'd appreciate this any more the second time around...but yeah, I did. The Judi Dench line stood out especially nicely this time around...sauteed they're rather scrumptious, indeed...=)
Jack Wilson - November 10, 2005 - Report this comment
Love it Spaff! 555!
Agrimorfee - November 10, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Sets back Franco-American relations back to our lovely detente during the French & Indian War. Kudos to you, Spaff.
EmiLoca - November 10, 2005 - Report this comment
While I realize I'm've raised the bar. Now there will be NO CHANCE of ever reaching my tequila. Good thing you're picking up the tab, Mon-soor Fairy Fonny Jokespaff.

P.S., I've hooked a bunch of my friends on your website and at least 3 of them want to purchase the CD. Now you're just 999,997 copies away from platinum.
Adagio - November 11, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Super funny!! All the lines were funny so I couldn't quote a favorite. 5's
Rick C - November 21, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I looked up the word spaff in the dictionary. Turns out it's a verb meaning to fill ones mouth full of liquid, see, think of or hear something funny and spray and laugh simultaneously, often to the point where the liquid seeps down through the nostrils. I try not to drink and read this person's work.
wannabemustangjockey - November 23, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM - Amazing as usual, Spaff. I'm sure the French love you now...but they don't have to for long...
Red Ant - November 24, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I thought the pacing was off until I realised that I probably didn't know how to correctly pronounce many of the words. Amazing wordplay and fits TOS very well and thankfully most of the French you used I am at least somewhat familiar. I suppose if I knew the French language and history/geography better this would be hysterical. Thankfully there's still all of those great lines in English.
stuart mcarthur - November 25, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) croissant wrench (hee hee) - breathtaking again on this re-reading - its pacing and flow seems so effortless which proves how much it wasn't - we, the readers, all benefit from your perfectionism, Spaff, even if it must be a champagne in the arse for you sometimes
Johnny D - November 26, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Voyez above!
Tim Mayfield - November 27, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM - Yes, I'll have brim de Goulet in a nice whine sauce.
Scathe - November 29, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I can't think of anything relevant to say.
Kristof Robertson - November 29, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Pah! Fart I dans votre direction générale. Vous enfantez étiez un hamster et votre éperlan de père des baies de sureau. ;-)

I'm SURE I left a comment about this! I remember replying to Phil's query about what I could come up with in answer...I said I didn't think I had any chance of matching this. Well, I had a go and it turned out quite well. Thanks for always forcing me to lift my game, Spaff. This was wonderful
Dee Range - November 29, 2005 - Report this comment
SOTM How you write these time after time is truly the work of other-worldly intelligence...or else you, like Robert Johnson before, have sold your soul to the Devil. Send him my way next time you see him, huh? And I believe Paris has cured her little problem with the "Paris-ites"...or at least that's what she told me.
Claude Prez - November 29, 2005 - Report this comment
Well, I coulda sworn I praised this load of brilliance before, but it turns out I just made snarky comments to infidels. I'll have to start with TMGLTM but then what about the second verse, and the ones after that? Well, reviewing the comments I don't think anyone's mentioned "fresh or frozen or from Cannes" yet; hell, even "get off the stupide bench" made me laugh my as off. In conclusion: a fantastic example of why you're a god around here. Other than that, I can't think of anything relevant to say.
Ethan Mawyer - December 01, 2005 - Report this comment
(SOTM) they say you are what you eat, so I'll pass. But if anyone could sell cannibalism to me, it would be the artist currently known as Spaff - December 04, 2005 - Report this comment
Merci! everyone for your funny and generous comments. I was going to thank you all individually, but I've become far too lazy for that.

I must address EmiLoca, however; I liked the "can't reach the tequila" comment, but, more importantly, doing so allows me to plug my CD(s). Ahem. Thank you for directing your friends to ELVES GONE WILD! which is STILL AVAILABLE at SPAFF.COM and can be purchased together with the NEW ROBERT LUND CD "WORKIN' THE GLORY" at a VERY SPECIAL PRICE. (Also, my mom bought a copy, so the revised figure is 999,996.)
Red Ant - March 07, 2006 - Report this comment
(2005 SOTY) See above!
Agrimorfee - March 07, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTY 05) Here's where I start marking these comments correctly with the appelation of SOTY 05, not SOTY 06, and then I say this one gets high praise for le puns francais....but this is not the highest ranking parody...nope...there's something else.
OCTOBER 2005 SONG OF THE MONTH - April 09, 2006 - Report this comment
First Place,14357.0.html - July 16, 2006 - Report this comment
Thanks for visiting this again, Fourmi Rouge & Agrimeaurfie.
anonymous - April 22, 2008 - Report this comment
this is very offensive, its very gross. - May 06, 2008 - Report this comment
Correct and correct.
TJC - February 09, 2009 - Report this comment
OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! - February 17, 2009 - Report this comment
TYVM, TJC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Leo - June 23, 2021 - Report this comment
Just coming across this again for the first time in years - sweet holy God is this brilliant!

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