Song Parodies -> You've Been Blessed (An Ode to Cults)

Original Song Title:	"Be Our Guest"
Original Performer:	Beauty and the Beast

Parody Song Title:	"You've Been Blessed (An Ode to Cults)"
Parody Written by:	Cat

After reading all the classic Be Our Guest parodies, most recently wannabemustangjockey's "TyrantFest," I concluded that I HAD to write one myself. The idea of cults just seemed natural–it happened to come to me when I was procrastinating my math homework–and a few hours later, I came up with this:

You've...been...blessed! You've been blessed!
Join our cult, and don't protest!
Say goodbye to heathen lifestyles
And you'll never be depressed!
Change your clothes, cut your hair,
Cultivate a manic stare,
Stand in airports, arms a-waving
So more sinners you'll be saving!

Read this book, yeah it's swell
Or else you will go to hell!
Come, we'll tattoo a big symbol on your breast!
Your new life will be pret-ty
Mindless con-form-ity
Have int'rest? We're the best!
You've been blessed!

We have earned dubious fame
For our acts in the Lord's name
And we bound and gagged the people
Who believe it's just a game
If you think that we're nuts
And you listen to your gut
Then just kiss off your posterior
'Cause we're morally superior!

You'll live in shady dives
And you'll have a hundred wives!
(which is more than YOU'VE ever had, I'd've guessed!)
Come on and drink Kool-Aid, with "special stuff" it's made
So go be blessed!
Go, you pest! Make all of your sins confessed!
You've been blessed! You've been blessed! You've been blessed!

(Leader)
Once I was a sinner
In my life I was no winner
Lust I pursued–but yeah, I knew how to have fun
Ah, those bad old days when I was normal...
Boy, I'm glad those bad old days are done!
Ten years in my compound
To my extreme tenets I'm bound
Hope the FBI don't show up on my ranch!
Most days I'm just looking for new converts
Naive, young, and fresh-faced
Have 'em reborn here at my place!

You've been blessed! You've been blessed!
Now it's time to pass your test!
Chuck your bombs at dads and moms
And all the kiddies in their nest!
"Shalt not kill?" Why, that's bull!
Our mass graves are always full!
Says right HERE in Revelation
That God wants extermination!
Vandalize in disguise! Put a mask over your eyes!
If you tear down this church here, I'll be impressed!
We've got a lot to do, let's torch City Hall too!
Cause we are blessed! We are blessed!
We are blessed! We are blessed!

You've been blessed! Oh, what's next?
Seems some people are distressed!
It's some folks who call us jokes
With nonviolence they are obsessed
They will scream, wave their signs
But our name they won't malign!
Stupid people rant and rave
Our inn-o-cent souls we will save!

Grab...this...gun!
When you're bored!
And you shout, "OH PRAISE THE LORD!"
And we'll be deified above all the rest!
When I count to eleven
We'll shoot off to heaven!
Cause we're blessed!
We are blessed!
Screw the rest!
WE...ARE...THE....BLESSED!!!!!

*Bang!*

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User Comments Follow...

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Johnny D - February 10, 2006 - Report this comment

Better watch out, Cat. Keep writing parodies as brilliant as this & some of your readers might start worshipping YOU. 555

Ravyn Rant - February 10, 2006 - Report this comment

555! Excellent effort. "Stupid people rant and rave"...I guess smart people rave and rant? (Sorry...had to.)

Rick C - February 10, 2006 - Report this comment

Divine! 555

Cat - February 10, 2006 - Report this comment

Thanks guys, I really needed this. Today was really rough for me (and it could very well be the inspiration for another BOG parody..."Bombed My Test.") =(

Phil Alexander - February 11, 2006 - Report this comment

I rather like doing this OS, too: and this one's marvellous, Cat.

Kat - February 11, 2006 - Report this comment

C, the scary part is that people actually believe this.

Cat - February 11, 2006 - Report this comment

I know K. Poor saps...

Larry Hensley - February 13, 2006 - Report this comment

Very funny.

Agrimorfee - February 24, 2006 - Report this comment

(Y '06) We all must bow to our most exalted NEW leader, Cat!. Or maybe not. :)

tomario - February 25, 2006 - Report this comment

i came on here fully prepared to be completly negative because my parody is cack and you told me so,but how can i you have done a wonderful job here.i think disney should do a new film based around this(i dont think disney and manson are two names that sit well together!)absolutley awsome you,ve re-set the bar.

Cat - February 25, 2006 - Report this comment

Thanks Phil, Kat, Larry, Agri and Tomario. Tomario, I actually didn't have Manson on the mind when I wrote this, it was instead sort of a cross between the Peoples' Temple and the Branch Davidians. (I actually had Wikipedia up when I wrote this, since I didn't know a whole lot about cults.) And it was really just on that one parody that I had issues, I quite enjoyed your parody "Wearing Women's Clothes" a while back.

Red Ant - February 26, 2006 - Report this comment

(ABC-Y) Pacing was great here Cat. Edgy and funny. 5s.

Rick C - March 05, 2006 - Report this comment

(ABC05) Well written. Lots of good lines. 555

Matthias - March 07, 2006 - Report this comment

Wow!!! This is your best yet, and I seriously mean that!!! Such great lines expessially for some reason the airport one it reminds me of that movie "Airplane" when the people are in the airport trying to make people take bibles and things, and they all get the crap beaten out of them... ha! Good times, good times...

Johnny D - March 07, 2006 - Report this comment

(ABC) See above for The Mighty Cat!

Stuart McArthur - March 07, 2006 - Report this comment

(Y) wow, excellent stuff, Cat - some fantastic couplets, like "Says right HERE in Revelation That God wants extermination!" and plenty more - great stuff! - 555

Larry Hensley - March 08, 2006 - Report this comment

(ABC) See above!

Chris Bodily TM - March 08, 2006 - Report this comment

Cults really creep me out. And I got a real kick out of your parody. It was hard to follow the pacing in places, because I haven't heard it in a while (I was using "See My Vest" as a model, except when it got to certain parts, and it got difficult to follow). I gave you four for the pacing. And I had to five you for some of the great lyrics. And overall, you get a four. Great job. You've been blessed, Cat. This is sure to be in my SOTM Top Ten.

Agrimorfee - March 09, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM) see above

Adagio - March 09, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM06) Really good job, Cat. 5's

Matthias - March 09, 2006 - Report this comment

Diddo on my last comment! And that's all I have to say about that...

Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd - March 10, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM) Where do you draw the line between a cult and an established religion? At 555 followers? I guess we're in a cult right here then! :-)

Max Power - March 10, 2006 - Report this comment

SOTM- Another contender.

Rex - March 10, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM) Fun all the way through, with a perfect ending.

Stuart McArthur - March 14, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM) ah yes, this was in the "Y" comp - I was wondering why I remembered it so well - still brilliant Cat!

Confission - March 17, 2006 - Report this comment

amen! i'm convinced. where do i sign up?

this parody was very good

Nytro - March 18, 2006 - Report this comment

you've ruined the song, be my guest and leave plz

Dumb Ass Kid - March 18, 2006 - Report this comment

[SOTM] A pleasure to read, an absolute masterclass in parody writing. Fantastic 555+

wannabemustangjockey - March 19, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM) Yet another BOG parody. Wow, this is becoming popular... Thanks for the ref to mine from last month (I see you've borrowed 1-2 lines from it too). A lot of good lines, some iffy ones, but mostly good. In all, a lot better than "Nytro" (see above) gives you credit for.

Red Ant - March 22, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM) See above!

bobpiecheese - March 24, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM) Who's smoken a little too much, eh Cat? The content's a little screwy, but isn't that the entire point? Oh, well, what are ya gonna do?

Kristof Robertson - March 30, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM) Holy Godbotherers, Cat; man! (see what I did there? ;-)) This is just phenomenal writing, and I agree; your best yet! BOG always seems to bring out great writing, and you can hold your head up proudly with this. 555+

Cat - March 30, 2006 - Report this comment

Additional thanks to everyone who's commented (except Nytro...) and especially Kristof! I'm VERY flattered to be receiving such high praise from you! After winning the Y comp and getting a compliment like that, I won't care if I don't get a SOTM medal, this is more than enough for me. =)

Larry Hensley - March 31, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM) See above again!

Johnny D - March 31, 2006 - Report this comment

(SOTM) What Johnny D said.

Arwen - April 01, 2006 - Report this comment

SOTM...VERY funny stuff here, Cat...I really liked it. I'll be singing the OS all night...(or, morning, as it were)...but alas...it's probably worth it.

FEBRUARY 2006 SONG OF THE MONTH - April 09, 2006 - Report this comment

Third Place
http://www.inthe00s.com/index.php/topic,17754.0.html

MysteryGoat - May 20, 2006 - Report this comment

That was just great! The words just flowed together so great. Truely a cult anthem. Excellent!!!

Johnny D - May 29, 2006 - Report this comment

(ABC Finals) See above!

Spaff.com - January 24, 2007 - Report this comment

I believe you've written my biography, Cat. Truly a cult classic.

I've said it before and I'll probably say it again: I know of no flashier song than "Be Our Guest" to show off a parodist's skills. You nailed it. It's all excellent, but I particularly liked your rhyming of "pretty" with "conform-ity." Bless you.

Rick C - March 30, 2007 - Report this comment

(SOTY) Another great BOG!

Below Average Dave - March 31, 2007 - Report this comment

(SOTY) Oh wow, BOG again, I didn't see that coming from the title. . .well this is one of the etter BOG parodies though, and that's saying quite a bit.

Scrappy - June 12, 2008 - Report this comment

Can I record me doing this and put it on a website with credit given where due? This is awesome.

littleMeowCakes - June 12, 2008 - Report this comment

Feline fives! great lines about these uncool Kool-Aid drinkers!

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Song Parodies -> You've Been Blessed (An Ode to Cults)

"Be Our Guest"

Beauty and the Beast

"You've Been Blessed (An Ode to Cults)"

Cat

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