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Song Parodies -> "Spamming Pests"

Original Song Title:

"Be Our Guest"

Original Performer:

Beauty and the Beast

Parody Song Title:

"Spamming Pests"

Parody Written by:

Red Ant

The Lyrics

Recently, 'outside' spammers have targeted many parodies of "Be Our Guest" with their crap comments, upwards of 90 in the past week. Since they seem to like this song so much, maybe they'll read this and get the hint. Words in quotes are the spammers' lines.
To Tony and the rest: it is with abject disgust,
and great displeasure that I report your comments.
So now, I invite you to get bent,
and stop wasting precious air.
As an editor I now present.....

The losers!

Spam - ming pests
Spamming pests
You are most unwelcome guests
Tie a rope around your neck, Tony
And suf-focate to death
Pointless too - are your words
And they're getting on our nerves
"Sign my guest book" - I'm suspicious
I believe it is malicious
"Free tarot..." - truly sad
By the way, b*tch, that is spam
And a spammer here is something I detest
I say go play in traffic
'til results are graphic
Spamming pests
Spamming pests
Spamming pests

"We loves you - site is great!"
Broken grammar all the way
We don't care or want to share
So could you please go far away?
"Need a loan?..." we just glare
Spamming's stupid I declare
See, your comments are not needed
And they wind up all deleted
Want to know a health tip?
Eat some yellow arsenic
Do not worry 'bout the cardiac arrest
Please go and smoke some crack
And then OD on smack
You spamming pests
I profess
They're a product of incest
Spamming pests
Spamming pests
Spamming pests!

Spam is irritating
[Spammer #1]:
"You need info about dating?.."
These damned trolls (more like a--holes) just will not die
[Spammer #2]:
"Hi, your site is so very goods and useful!"
I agree; don't tell me 90 times
[Spammer #3]:
"Hi there! you like gambling?..."
I'd like it if you'd stop rambling
[Spammer #4]:
"Please, come see my site at freeonlinecockpills!"
Amazed by the boldness of these a$$holes
[Spammer #5]:
"Come get free Viagra-
- you'll be flowing like Niagra!"

Freakin' pests, spamming pests
Multiply, and site infest
This means war you stupid whores
And the end of spam is my new quest
'cause the 'net should be free
Of your bullsh!t and debris
So to hell with you outsiders
And those creepy Yahoo spiders
Do you know, when you're caught
You'll be squashed into a spot
Kill 'em all! For a cleaner World Wide Web!
It's not a lot to do
So take a moment to
Report these pests
Lame ass pests
Sorry pests

Ban the pests
Spamming pests
From the land of spoofs and jest
'cause I fear -
- there are too many spammers here
I'm not impressed
Here's the deal: can your sleaze
I'm not speaking Japanese
No one likes spam that is posted
(but it's better when it's roasted!...)

In three words: spam is dumb
I won't stop, until there's none
An eventuality my loser 'friends'
I'll finish what you started
Sofa king we taught Ed
Spam must end...
Spamming pests...
Spamming pests...
Now, leave... you... pests!........
copyright 2006+ Jack "Red Ant" Fletcher. Tony was one of the spammer's names.

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
Overall Score: 

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.7
How Funny: 4.6
Overall Rating: 4.7

Total Votes: 41

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   2
 2   0
 3   0
 4   3
 5   36

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Adagio - June 20, 2006 - Report this comment
Hehehe...good one. I see you're annoyed too. 5's
Peter Andersson - June 20, 2006 - Report this comment
I got some 5s for you, but I need your help to get them out of Nigeria. What's you bank account number? I'll deposite them there in the meantime.
Agrimorfee - June 20, 2006 - Report this comment
You too, can write like Red Ant. Expand your pitifully-sized cerebellum with the miracle of Amphigoria. Click HERE NOW! ""! q0asd0fqwer9wfa-9~!
Matthias - June 20, 2006 - Report this comment
Roasted Spam???? Hmmmmm....... Kind of like a product of incest's delicacy!
alvin rhodes - June 20, 2006 - Report this comment
yes, i get every kind of junk mail conceivable...5s
Stephen Harrington - June 20, 2006 - Report this comment
I agree, 555.
Joel Martinez - June 20, 2006 - Report this comment
I agree, spamming is bad (and yet I still wonder why they make books on how to hack into places you're not allowed to!), well put here, Red Ant,555
Certified Nerd - June 20, 2006 - Report this comment
I haven't even seen the spammers, and already I want to kill them =P Excellent job, very funny
Cat - June 20, 2006 - Report this comment
I haven't even noticed this, but this was a stellar job with great use of their lines.
John Barry - June 20, 2006 - Report this comment
You are too kind. And this parody is too good. 555
Rick C - June 20, 2006 - Report this comment
As one who's been infested with these folks all week, I can appreciate this, Jack. "I say go play in traffic 'til results are graphic" made me crack up and, it kept on going! Excellent. 555
AFW - June 20, 2006 - Report this comment
A spam jam what am a wham!
Stuart McArthur - June 22, 2006 - Report this comment
brilliant stuff, Jack - great idea as usual, and some classic rhymes, esp. "creepy Yahoo spiders" - and I loved the "don't tell me 90 times" - 555
Red Ant - June 22, 2006 - Report this comment
Thanks Pat, Peter, Agrimorfee, Matthias, Alvin, Step-chan, Joel, CN, Cat, John B, Rick C, AFW and Stu.

Cat: Check the latest comments and you can see them That is, if I haven't gotten to them first. Your "You've Been Blessed" parody was one of the spammed ones; Rick C's was too (which he noticed).
Phil Alexander - June 23, 2006 - Report this comment
Ran out of time before commenting first time around: this one's beautifully done. And I know exactly what you mean about the annoyingly inept grammar.. Too many good lines to pick a favourite :-)
wannabemustangjockey - July 08, 2006 - Report this comment
SOTM - Dear Mr. Ant, we are pleased to announce that you have been selected as a winner of the UK national lottery! You have won a cash prize of £555 million. Please respond to us forthwith so that we may deliver your prize to you. ---- I actually got an email very similar to this once (and I don't even live in the UK)! Spam = die
Adagio - July 10, 2006 - Report this comment
SOTM Already voted and commented.
Cat - July 11, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) See above!
Max Power - July 13, 2006 - Report this comment
tomario - July 17, 2006 - Report this comment
very good parody top 5 sotm i would imagine !
Kristof Robertson - July 27, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Take the "ed" out of your name and you've got RAnt...but what a funny, articulate rant! 555
Rick C - July 27, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) This was a joy to revisit.
Johnny D - July 27, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) You tilt at that windmill with grace and artistry, Red Ant.
Stuart McArthur - July 29, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) crikey what a hard month! - this would be in my top 5 favourites of yours Red, which is a big statement - fabulous pacing,and I loved "They're a product of incest" - LOL - hit em hard!
bobpiecheese - July 29, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I'm lucky - no more spam for me! Yet anyway...I'm sure I'll get my fair share one day, and add another item on my "Revenge List". One of my favourite in this SOTM so far!
Arwen - July 31, 2006 - Report this comment
SOTM...a VERY great effort, and a very worthy topic. I LOVE this! Some favorite bits:

I say go play in traffic
'til results are graphic

Want to know a health tip?
Eat some yellow arsenic

Red Ant - August 01, 2006 - Report this comment
Big thanks to Phil, Jay, Pat, Cat, Max, tomario, Kristof, Rick C, Johnny D, Stu, pieman, and Arwen.

Phil: While I normally don't complain about grammar (mainly because I haven't much room to do so), the spammers write in such horribly broken English that it is noteworthy.

Jay: I haven't received much in the way of e-mail spam, but I rarely use my e-mail. So, where again can I claim that half a billion+ pounds? ;-)

Kristof: Yes, it was a flat-out rant, but well-warranted. Due to the recent spamming here, ChuckyG has considered several times going to registered accounts just to post comments. I believe that would result in a loss of everyone but the hardest core writers, and the damned spammers would probably figure a way to bypass that too. I've probably deleted 200 more spammed comments since this parody was written (122 in one day), though the "Be Our Guest" spammer has given up.

Johnny D: I was unfamiliar with that line, so I Googled its meaning(s). I'm not sure what context you meant it in, but thanks all the same.

Stu: IMO, spammers are more worthless than fleas or mosquitos. I did consider doing the broadway version of TOS, which has an extra verse, just to throw in more spam slams.

Arwen: You picked out two of my three personal favorite lines there. The other was subbing "eventuality" for "we'll sing you off to sleep". And the whole verse where I gave the spammers a few lines. ;-)
Johnny D - August 02, 2006 - Report this comment
I meant it in the sense of Don Quixote's charging on horseback with his jousting lance at windmills --- or, " tilting " at windmills --- which has become a literary euphemism for any heroically-intended but ultimately futile quest ... such as defeating the Spamming Pests of the Internet ... but at least, WE have rational reason for hope ... I hope ... ;-)
Red Ant - August 02, 2006 - Report this comment
Thank you Johnny D for the clarification. - August 22, 2006 - Report this comment
But how do you REALLY feel?

I see that "Be Our Guest" parodies have medalled in seven of the last ten SOTMs. I hope that doesn't discourage anyone from doing it again. I've decided that, when placed in the hands of a skillful writer, there's no better song to parody. It truly allows your talents in rhyming, meter, and humor to shine in a big-ass way.

What I'm trying to say, Jack, is excellent job, and congratulations on your SOTM win. Also, please come see my site at freeonlinecockpills.
Red Ant - September 25, 2006 - Report this comment
Belated thanks, Spaff. BTW, I tried to visit your site (staff.cum), but their weren't enough pop-ups, and it went down too often.
Rick C - March 28, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTY) One of the better BOG parodies around here, Jack. :-)
Below Average Dave - March 31, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTY) Well, I personally think it's the best of the BOG parodies, and is one of my favoirte parodies by you ever.
Andria - June 09, 2009 - Report this comment
This parody is very good, Red Ant, and I have to say that spam sucks, be it on Amiright or other website comment sections, in e-mail, on a forum, or any other way conceivable. However, the canned ham product by Hormel is tolerable, and I go through a great deal of the stuff thanks to the Spam recipes above my Gmail spam file. 5s for you, and I noticed that this was written before Dr Music started polluting AmIRight.
Claude Prez - August 01, 2014 - Report this comment
Red Ant has always been a fave of mine, not just because he writes terrific stuff like this, but also because he graciously took over running the Song of the Month contest for me when I got tired of doing it. So I was happy to see he took first place with this one, even though I only finally read it for the first time yesterday. I tell this long boring story for a reason, which I swear I will get to. So in digging up all these BOG gems for my self-indulgent little trip down memory lane, I've been inspired to write a Be Our Guest parody of my own (it's like half finished and I'm stuck so who knows when it will be done). But it has many lines about which I am excited, which brings me back to this parody, because it turns out one of the lines in this one is extremely similar to one of the lines I have in my new parody. So while I really like this parody and am choosing it as today's Amiright Classic, I'm a bit annoyed that it turns out Red Ant here apparently has a time machine, which he used 8 years ago to travel to the future and steal a line from my parody. Shame on you, Jack; I thought you were better than this. Okay, enough of this boring nonsense, it's time for an interesting military history lecture or something.
Red Ant - October 23, 2016 - Report this comment
Thank you SOTY commentors and to Claude. 2+ years is fashionable late these days, right...amiright? lol

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