(Music starts, everything darkens and a spotlight is on Bert).

Bert: He comes in with all these crosses, and the cross drives me insane.
He reads a passage from the Bible, and the Bible is so lame.
I keep one eye out for Ernie, and the other for the Taliban.
He reads his Bible every day now, but I prefer to read the Koran!

(Grabs Koran with one hand).

I'm a closet Muslim, praying in silence, do what all Muslims must do.
I'm a closet Muslim, acting defiant, and any old anger would do.

(Kneels on a mat).

I want to take a walk to Mecca, I want to meet a girl or two.
I want six wives and many children, cause only six for me will do.
Ernie comes in with all these crosses, and they all drive me insane.
He wants to get me to read the Bible, but it is just so lame!

I'm a closet Muslim, praying in silence, do what all Muslims must do.
I'm a closet Muslim, acting defiant, and any old anger would do!

Bow and praise Allah! Please cover your face Prarie Dawn! Come lets bomb Elmo! Big Bird, please fast for Ramadaaaan!!!! Ooooh....

(Music break. Bert puts on a headscarf and grabs some bombs and ammo. Then he leaves the apartment.)

(Repeat first verse and chorus).

(Bert bombs Big Birds nest. Needless to say, Bert gets arrested).