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Song Parodies -> "I Can't Toast Bread"

Original Song Title:

"Let's Go To Bed"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

The Cure

Parody Song Title:

"I Can't Toast Bread"

Parody Written by:

the_conqueror_of_parodies

The Lyrics

True story: I've never gotten the hang of toasting bread. However, I at least know to give up before I start, unlike this dude...
Doo doo-doo doo, doo doo-doo doo
Doo doo-doo doo, doo doo-doo
Doo doo-doo doo, doo doo-doo doo
Doo doo-doo doo, doo doo-doo

You want toast? I can't
I'm real shit at it
Burnt it, burnt it, dude
Should I set it to five, maybe four
How about four-point-five
I hope it won't turn black
With carbon crumbs the toaster is filled
My toasting's lame, am I to blame?

I fail when I try to toast
I either set it too low
You'd think the way that the coils glow
It should be working
The bread's just warmed a bit

Doo doo-doo doo, doo doo-doo doo
Doo doo-doo doo, doo doo-doo
Doo doo-doo doo, doo doo-doo doo
Doo doo-doo doo, doo doo-doo

Crap, it's on fire now
Thought it was on three
That wasted another slice
Cause I burnt it like a furnace
How hard is it to toast bread?
Simple as dirt, now I'm ashamed
Is it the toaster to blame
Cause the bread's aflame, what a shame

Shouldn't be this hard to toast
Can't recall the right way, bro
This trial and error is a load
Look at these burnt bits
None more black could be had

Doo doo-doo doo, doo doo-doo doo
Doo doo-doo doo, doo doo-doo
Doo doo-doo doo, doo doo-doo doo
Doo doo-doo doo, doo doo-doo

I've gone through six loaves now
This'll take all damn day
Four burns, are you for real?
This crap is hurting my brain
Huge smoke-clouds, okay
Something has gone real wrong
Can I at least get some decent toast here
'Fore I dial triple-0?

All I wanted was some toast
That damn lying dial was my foe
Just burned the house down for some toast
But I still lack it
So now my stomach hurts

Doo doo-doo doo, doo doo-doo doo
(I can't toast bread)
Doo doo-doo doo, doo doo-doo
Doo doo-doo doo, doo doo-doo doo
(Burnt house instead)
Doo doo-doo doo, doo doo-doo

Doo doo-doo doo, doo doo-doo doo
Doo doo-doo doo, doo doo-doo
Doo doo-doo doo, doo doo-doo doo
(I can't toast bread)
Doo doo-doo doo, doo doo-doo

"You’ve got a toaster there, but it has a turny-dial knob thing on the side… and it lies to us. It does not tell the truth! For it has numbers from one to six, and they lie… You set on four, you put bread in on four, and boom, comes up three! Three! This is three toast, not good at all! Hardly done. You set and change to five, and it comes up six! Six! This is six, all burnt! All burnt! Scrape, scrape, scrape- oh, fuck it! Forget it!" - Eddie Izzard, Glorious

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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 2

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
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 2   0
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 3   0
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 4   0
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 5   2
 2
 2
 

User Comments

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Abbott Skelding - October 16, 2013 - Report this comment
Pretty simple topic that you managed to make work throughout a whole parody. Luckily for me, I have a toaster oven (instead of an actual toaster), so I can just look inside and see how things are going and take it out before it gets too crispy. Nice work!
Matthias - October 16, 2013 - Report this comment
Let's raise a toast to another well done parody! You've been on fire lately!
Agrimorfee - October 19, 2013 - Report this comment
Big oops here, you wrote "I either set it too low"...and then what? I didnt think anyone could have THIS trouble making toast, but I guess Eddie Izzard does!
Max Power - October 29, 2013 - Report this comment
I like them a bit burnt but that's just me. When I saw the title, I thought you were referring to how beer was sometimes referred to as "liquid bread". Still a good parody.
Blaydeman - October 29, 2013 - Report this comment
(Artistry) I love that the task is so simple, but this guy just can't seem to get it right. It's a lot of funny, but doesn't quite go far enough. I enjoy it so much though!

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