- "Good morning, sports fans. Neil and Bob here. Welcome to the Wide-World Augusta Championship Pro-Am Open Masters Invitational Celebration of..."

GOLF!
GOLF! GOLF! GOLF!
GOLF! GOLF! GOLF!
GOLF! GOLF! BALLS!

GOLF!
GOLF! GOLF! GOLF!
GOLF! GOLF! GOLF!
GOLF! GOLF! BALLS!

- "Now let's welcome to the platform this upstanding young woman from Nevada. You may recognize her from 'Who Wants to Do a Billionaire?' She's here to start our day with the Tiger Woods National Anthem."
- "How sweet of her. I see that she's wearing a 'Just Do It' T-shirt."
- "Actually, I believe that's body paint, Bob."

I was lame
No one knew my name
Had no game, got no glory
But stuff happens in Vegas, and who should happen on me
But a jock with his cock-tail in hand

And then
I bagged a Tiger, now I'm Hollywood hot
Sold my soul to the National Enquirer
Got my own stalkerazzi taking big-money shots
Went from nameless to famous when I
Bagged a Tiger

- "Now that's inspiring."
- "Yes, a Cinderella story, out of nowhere...."

Then I find
He's not all mine
I've been in line with ten others
- "Twenty! Thirty! Forty!"
It's not just me on TMZ and ET
How indiscreet! He should cheat just with me!

Although
I bagged a Tiger, seems it's par for the course
Lots of folks have taken strokes with his 9-iron
Now at least half the planet claims they're swinging with Woods
They're all oogled and Googled 'cause I
Bagged a Tiger

- "Wow, that's...rough. What do you have to say about all these women, Tiger?"
- "They're grrrrreat!"

All big types
Of cats show their stripes
He's been a-lion' and a cheetah
- "Wow, bad puns, Bob."
But soon the public will forgive and forget
And that means: forgive him, forget me

But while I've got the spotlight:
I bagged a Tiger and I'm here to proclaim
He's a much better putter than a driver
When this scandal survivor's back on top of his game
I've still got the golf clap 'cause I
Bagged a Tiger

- "Who's your caddy!"

GOLF!
GOLF! GOLF! GOLF!
GOLF! GOLF! GOLF!
GOLF! GOLF! BALLS!
(etc.)

- "Wow, Tiger really shanked that one, Bob."
- "Gotta watch out for those shankers."
I bagged a Tiger
- "He must have told those women he had a US Open marriage."
- "It all depends on the lie."
Yeah, I banged a Tiger
- "Ya know, his wife's pretty teed off. She called him a PGA-hole."
- "Ooh, now that's a hazard."
I boinked a Tiger
- "He'd better keep his balls clean, or he could face sudden death."
- "Remember, this all started with a car wreck...."
I nailed a Tiger
- "...He could blame the whole thing on his Caddy."
- "Tiger has lots of cars."
- "He got a hole in one."
Face it, Tiger, you just hit the jackpot.
- "What's the difference between an Escalade and a golf ball?"
- "I don't know, Bob, what is the difference between an Escalade and a golf ball?"
I boinked a Tiger
- "Tiger can drive a golf ball over 100 yards."
I spelunked a Tiger