THIRTEEN WAYS OF LOOKING AT A TWINKIE

I. INTRO
The single that knocked "Bette Davis Eyes" off the top of the charts for a week in 1981 boasts the longest title in chart history: "Medley: Intro Venus/Sugar Sugar/No Reply/I'll Be Back/Drive My Car/Do You Want to Know a Secret/We Can Work it Out/I Should Have Known Better/Nowhere Man/You're Going to Lose That Girl/Stars on 45." Since the medley was performed by a Beatles sound-alike group and is comprised mainly of Beatles songs, some argue that it should be added to the tally of Beatles #1s. Close, but no Twinkie.

II. VENUS
[Instrumental. Please take a moment to reflect on the gifts of the love goddess, namely, Twinkies.]

III. SUGAR SUGAR
Sponge cake
Ah, creamy filling
You are my sugar high!
And you got me wanting goo
Crave it
Ah, microwave it
Twinkies go dynamite!
Lovely phallic symbols too

One! Two! Three!
IV! NO REPLY
They say you're getting round
'Cause you keep sucking down
Chocodi-i-i-iles
I'll never blame you, though
'Cause under that co-coa
They're Twinkies

V. I'LL BE BACK
I hear
Twinkies last a billion years
No expiration date
They found
Twinkies six miles underground
They had to carbon-date

VI. DRIVE MY CAR
Asked the buzz what it wanted to eat
The buzz said baby, Hostess treats
Are bitchin' for munchies - yo dude there's no doubt
But something 'bout snack cakes freaks me out:
Turn your Twinkie upside-down!
See the side that's flat and brown?
Three white eyeballs stare you down!
Too much like a stoplight...

VII. DO YOU WANT TO KNOW A SECRET
Frinkie
That is short for frozen Twinkie
Once you've tried one you will know
Whoa-oo-wo-oh -
Freasure
Frozen-pleasure me my dear
Kinky smile from ear to ear
Try 'em deep-fried too
Whew-oo-oo-oo!

VIII. WE CAN WORK IT OUT
Out on Easter Island
Monolithic icons hail the Twinkie gods of yore
Pyramids and Stonehenge
Doubtless served as hostess points for UFOs galore
Twinkies filled the hold
Twinkies, blood, and gold

IX. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER
I - met you on eBay - thought I'd won that bid
And nabbed the lunchbox of Twinkie the Kid
But you did!
La-a-ame!

X. NOWHERE MAN
He's a real Zingers fan
Duped by Dolly Mad-i-san

XI. YOU'RE GOING TO LOSE THAT GIRL
You're saturated fat
(Force-feed me saturated fat)
An understaa-ted fact
(Butt loads of sad-you-ate-it fat)
My heart is ca-a-a-a-a-aked - with - plaque!
(Trans-fatty Twinkie-cake-ed flak!)

XII. STARS ON 45
Three hundred Twinkie cals
Keep on burning in your bowels
No part of it's refined - but sugar till you're blind
But cut off my supply and I will die-hi-hi-hie!
Oo-yummy-oo-nummy-oo-in-my-tummy-oo
Oo-yummy-oo-numb-me-oo-in-my-tummy-oo
[Repeat as health and music fade]

XIII. POSTMORTEM
Forgive me, Wallace Stevens;
I know Beatle accents
And lucid, inescapable rhythms,
But here the bawds of euphony
Offer no "Blackbird."
So can I buy you a Twinkie?