You and I in an automobile
I'll take shot-gun, you take wheel
Take the car out for a spin
As your mouth spreads into a grin
Merge onto the left side, I said
But all my words missed your head
I'm just glad I'm still alive
There's 99 reasons you can't drive

39 traffic lights
Ev'ry last one glowing red
Wake up, man, drive on the right
Not at me, watch the road instead
The sounding sirens soon arrive
My stomach surely won't survive
90 in a twenty-five
There's 99 reasons you can't drive

Now we've found a neighborhood
Can't you hear me, this ain't good
Please don't hit that house my friend
Or this could be our last dead end
You kept driving, didn't flinch
Cleared the garage in a pinch
Through the trees, hit three bee hives
That's sev'ral more reasons you can't drive

I don't want my end to be, now
An out-take from Burnout 3, now
Seat-belt's not on, yeah I thought so
YOU'RE NOT PLAYING GRAND THEFT AUTO!!!
Wait a sec, we're in the air
Now I need new underwear
We're now in a steeping dive
Just one more, reason you can't drive

33 cars you just wrecked
Twelve accidents, you big buffoon
Not to mention property...
I am speaking, look at me
Shoot, it must have slipped my mind
You're the guy who's deaf and blind
You've got good reasons you can't drive
Not 99, but just those two...


(Alternate ending: For sound-alike fans)
33 cars you have wrecked
Twelve accidents, you big buffoon
Just for you there's a whole committee
You've been outlawed by my city
If I could find a souvenir
To show you that you cannot steer
Well, here it is, the steering wheel
It's wrapped around your left heel...