Fruitcakes on the campus
Fruitcakes in downtown
Struttin' naked through the crosswalk
In the middle of the week

Half baked cookies in the oven
Half baked people on the bus
There's a little bit of fruitcake left in every Penn Stater

Paradise - lost and found
Paradise - take a look around

I was out in Happy Valley
Where I hear they have it all
They got ice cream and stickies
They got sushi in the mall
Penn State stores and balloon stores
Lots of foreigners
They all live the easy life
The secret's on campus

Fruitcakes on the campus
Fruitcakes in downtown
Struttin' naked through the crosswalk
In the middle of the week

Half baked cookies in the oven
Half baked people on the bus
There's a little bit of fruitcake left in every Penn Stater

Speaking of fruitcakes, how about the government?
Your tax dollars at work

We lost our own deckchair friend
The quagmires all said
Seems our very own deckchair friend
Has lost his cone-shaped head

We spent ninety jillion dollars
Tryin' to get a look at clouds
I hear universal laughter
Raging out among the rain

Fruitcakes in the galaxy
Fruitcakes on the earth
Struttin' naked towards eternity
We've been that way since birth

Half baked cookies in the oven
Half baked people on the bus
There's a little bit of fruitcake left in every Penn Stater

Religion. Religion. Oh, there's a thin line between Saturday night and Sunday morning. Here we go now. All right, altar servers.

Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa
Mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa

Where's the church, who took the steeple
Religion's in the hands of some crazy ass people
Televangelists involved in all these scandals
It makes me want to vomit a lot

It's the Buddhist in you, it's the Catholic in me
It's the Muslim in him, she's Baptist, ain't she?
Television journalists, it's the wasp and the Jew,
Tell me what's going on, I AIN'T GOT A CLUE!

All right, here come the big ones. Relationships.
We all got them. We all want them. What do we do with them?

Here we go, I'll tell you.

She said you have to do your fair share
Now cough up half the rent
Seems that all my money
Has always been well spent

But the way I do my business
May get me a little hug
That's the difference between lighting
And a harmless lightning bug

HEY!

Fruitcakes on the campus
Fruitcakes in downtown
Struttin' naked through the crosswalk
In the middle of the week

Half baked cookies in the oven
Half baked people on the bus
There's a little bit of fruitcake left in every Penn Stater

The future - captain's log - star date 2010 and something

We're just three years from the new census
That's a science fiction fact
Stanley Kubrick and his buddy Hal
Now don't look that abstract

So I'll put on my Bob Marley tape
And practice what I preach
Get ja lost in the reggae mon
As I stroll along the beach

Stay in touch with my insanity
It may be the only way
It's a jungle out there, Missa
Have a very fruitful day

HEY!

Fruitcakes on the campus
Fruitcakes in downtown
Struttin' naked through the crosswalk
In the middle of the week

Half baked cookies in the oven
Half baked people on the bus
There's a little bit of fruitcake left in every Penn Stater