De pine trees is always greener
When you smart and buy dem fake
Dere's sap from my hat to wiener
My beard and my reindeer ache

I tink we survived December
And passed out de gifts galore
De ting is I don't remember
'Cause I'm passed out on de floor

Under de tree
Under de tree
Dat's where I sprawls out
After de balls-out
Christmas par-ty!
All troo de year we slave away
Pound down de cheer on Christmas Day
You'll find Kris Kringle
Too juiced to jingle
Under de tree

(Ho ho ho!)

You tink dat my job is nifty
'Cause I got de pimped-out sleigh
Well you try deliv'rin' 50
Cent CD's in East L.A.

Don't ask 'bout de Cuban borders
Or jus' how we lost dat elf
Dis Post-Christmas Stress Disorder's
De reason I drink myself...

Under de tree
Under de tree
Once dere was present
Now just unpleasant
Odor from me
Two or tree weeks de kids behaved
Now dat I'm gone, dey all depraved
Burn next year's list, de
Ingrates can fist me

Under de tree (Under de tree)
Under de tree (Under de tree)
Everyone get some
Gift den forget, come
Januar-y (January-ee-ee-ee)
You tink dat Santa's days are passed?
If so den kiss my jolly ass!
I'll jus' remain here
Me and my reindeer
Under de tree

De Blitzen he blitzed
De Dasher he smashed
De Donner he gone:
His "party" been crashed
De Cupid he lewd
De Rudolph he screwed
His nose, now it glows no mo
(Dang)
Dat Vixen she mix
De Prancer more drink
De Comet be gone -
Try under de sink!
De Dancer's depantsed
De elves watch her dance
Upon dat striped North POLE!

[Festive North Pole Dancer interlude]

Under de tree! (Under de tree)
Under de tree! (Under de tree)
What smells like urine?
Creatures are stirrin'
Cocktails for me! (More eggnog for me)
If Mrs. San-TA CLAUS SHOULD CALL
Tell her I'm wor-KIN' DOWN AT DE MALL
Post-Christmas sales on?
I'm here with bells on:
UNDER DE TREE

Rum makes me fake an
Accent Jamaican
AS YOU CAN SEE

Haul out de holly!
Deflate de dolly!
Wipe up de jolly!
Me too, by golly!

What fun we've had! Will
You bring me Advil?
UNDER DE TREEEEEEEEEEE!