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Song Parodies -> "Tortoise Has Beaten the Hare"

Original Song Title:

"Total Eclipse of the Heart"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Bonnie Tyler

Parody Song Title:

"Tortoise Has Beaten the Hare"

Parody Written by:

Doug Baseball

The Lyrics

Aesop told you the story of the Tortoise beating the Hare. But you didn’t hear the rest of the story – one big favorite and one monumental upset, and the calamity that followed. Sorry I didn't have time to do different stuff for the last part, this one was *much* tougher to pace than I recalled from my youth, and even then i don't know if I got it all right. I didn't have time to come up with more but I wanted to get it up soon after those 2 wild card collapses and I knew I wouldn't have time for a while after this; I hardly post at all but try to put up good stuff when i do..
Tortoise Has Beaten the Hare

Tortoise wins!
Ev’ry now and then the Hare fans all got up and left early as they won in a rout.
Tortoise wins!
Ev’ry now and then the Hares would let up a little bit ‘cause they could score on others at will.
Tortoise wins!
Ev’ry now and then the media testified the Hares were just the best that could be.
Tortoise wins!
Often it would seem Hares’ star Bugs Bunny (1) demoralized the other team so bad they’d just quit!
Tortoise beats the Hare!

Ev’ry now and then won’t come no more.
Ev’ry now and then won’t come no more.

Tortoise wins!
Every now and then David can defeat Goliath in the wondrous world of sports.
Tortoise wins!
Every now and then even the Washington Generals can defeat Harlem’s globetrotting men.
Tortoise wins!
Every now and then you get miracles like Appalachian State(2) when on Michigan they called..
Tortoise wins!
But nobody thought the Tortoises had a prayer until they saw what the scoreboard read…

Tortoise beats the Hare! This is more than just a miracle!
Tortoise beats the Hare! This is more than just a miracle!

Both fan groups are all in shock.
‘Cause now truth’s stranger than fiction!
It’s bad as scissors smashing rock.(3)
They say now the Hares have friction.
‘Cause they just cannot believe they lost.
They’re all finger-pointing; nobody wants to take the blame for losing this one.
The players all fight each other one even pulled a gun.
Fans don’t know what to do they just hope that heads will roll,
On ev’ry sports talk show there is they’re giving earfuls.
While Tortoise fans love the fame.
The Hare fans hang their heads in shame.

Once upon a time Hare players seemed so great,
Now the team is filled with despair.
There’s nothing they can say.
The tortoise has beaten the hare.
Once upon a time Hare fans all had high hopes,
Now bags on their heads they all wear.
But what can they say?
The tortoise has beaten the hare.

Tortoise beats the hare.
Tortoise beats the hare.
Tortoise wins!
And now the Hares are bickering constantly, and they won’t practice but make scheming plans..
Tortoise wins!
All the Hares just trash their coach on YouTube so they’ll get him fired or get in major Twitter wars with their fans.
Tortoise wins!
Ev’ry day there’s more stories that say the whole team’s gone up in smoke, it’s so crazy that there’s rumors on the Herd.(4)
Tortoise wins!
Sources say that somebody said they should just trade Bugs Bunny for some draft picks and an old Tweety Bird!

Tortoise beats the Hare! That would be a catastrophic swap!
Tortoise beats the Hare! That’s just wanting some more heads to chop!

But the Hares are all in shock.
‘Cause now truth’s stranger than fiction!
It’s bad as scissors smashing rock.
They say now the Hares have friction.
‘Cause they just cannot believe they lost.
They’re all finger-pointing; nobody wants to take the blame for losing this one.
The players all fight each other one even pulled a gun.
Fans don’t know what to do they just hope that heads will roll,
On ev’ry sports talk show there is they’re giving earfuls.
While Tortoise fans love the fame.
The Hare fans hang their heads in shame.

Once upon a time Hare players seemed so great,
Now the team is filled with despair.
There’s nothing they can say.
The tortoise has beaten the hare.
Once upon a time Hare fans all had high hopes,
Now bags on their heads they all wear.
But what can they say?
The tortoise has beaten the hare.
(1) In one very early cartoon he did lose to the tortoise, so it was possible to put him in; plus it lets the “trade rumor bandwagon” that can pop up get mentioned (2) Appalachian State, a small Division 1-AA college football team, upset Michigan a number of years ago – in Michigan! *3) Rock, of course, smashes scissors in rock-paper-scissors. (4) “The Herd” is Colin Cowherd’s show on ESPN Radio, and an easy rhyme. :-)

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Place Your Vote

 LittleLots
Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
Overall Score: 



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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 2

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 0
 0
 
 2   0
 0
 0
 
 3   0
 0
 0
 
 4   0
 0
 0
 
 5   2
 2
 2
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Tommy Turtle - October 05, 2011 - Report this comment
Thought this was a tribute to me... oops, my bad.... Title caught my eye.. ;-D

Don't know anything about the subject matter, so can't vote, but admire anyone who tackles this toughie -- although most veterans prefer it if chorus lines are varied in the parody, even if repeated in the OS (original song). Shows more creativity and skill, and gives us more laughs.

At a very quick glance (all that can be spared at the moment), pacing looks good, although in the YT version of TOS to which mine linked, it seemed that the line
"The Hare fans hang their heads in shame"
should be repeated again in each such bridge.

I really need you tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight
Forever's gonna start tonight

Moi's takes on TOS:
http://www.amiright.com/parody/80s/bonnietyler47.shtml\
http://www.amiright.com/parody/80s/bonnietyler44

Oh, heck. This was still much better -- and took waaay more skill -- than any 50 versions of "I Put A Spell On You" combined, so 555.           (plus, you had a footnote - a writer after my own heart! ;)
Hey, Who Dropped A Load Of SHT(ml)? - October 05, 2011 - Report this comment
last link should read,

http://www.amiright.com/parody/80s/bonnietyler44.shtml

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