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Song Parodies -> "My 'Needs' Are Really Dire"

Original Song Title:

"We Didn't Start The Fire"

Original Performer:

Billy Joel

Parody Song Title:

"My 'Needs' Are Really Dire"

Parody Written by:


The Lyrics

I've FINALLY done this song...and it took me a long time. DUH! And, BTW, this is a hypochondriac singing. Technically...
Hypertension, Down syndrome, rubella, polio
Scarlet fever, Warkany 2, peritonitis

Meningitis, cretinism, neoplasm, aneurysm
Silicosis, synovitis, cystic fibrosis

Common cold, cowpox, ebola, chicken pox
Herpes, that lyme disease, and my constant bouts with fleas

I don't need no vaccine, migraines got me keeling
Phenylketonuria and paratyphoid fever

My "needs" are really dire
I have no diseases
Not even the sneezes
Hypchondriac, am I?
Well, you're right, excuse me
Must fake symptoms, sorry

Diarrhoea, flatulence, plus fecal incontinence
Dyspepsia, dysphagia, constipation

Blister, edema, epistaxis, tremor
Cataplexy, hypothermia

Dry mouth, weight gain, chest and abdominal pain
Muscle weakness, vomiting, dsyuria and belching

Weight loss, tinnutis, anasarca, jaundice
Nausea, apnea, hematochezia

My "needs" are really dire
I'm making it all up
Just to make a damn buck
Cash onto which retire
Pretend to have tussles
With my bones and muscles

Clavicle, mandible, and both longitudinals
Triceps brachii, intertransversarii

Humerus, radius, proximal phalanges
Sternocleidomastoid, don't forget "my" haemorrhoids

Stomach's churning, trick knees, fat's clogging arteries
Runny nose, gall stones, six or seven broke bones

Brain clots, fractured skull, going deaf and vision's dull
Need a doctor, pronto! My appendix will blow

My "needs" are really dire
To what I owe it all?
My Diseases journal
Ev'rything's gone haywire
In Emergency Room
Makes me laugh to see 'em

Alzheimers, asthma, and "my" emphysema
Doctor, oh please, cure "my" Farber disease

Hairy cell leukemia, and "my" kleptomania
Cure "my", please Miss, multiple sclerosis

Krabbe and Pompe disease, plus "my" mild insanity
Can't believe, you can't see, hypochondriatic me!

My "needs" are really dire
Most of these you won't know
But that just goes to show
You can call me a liar
Yes it is all for fun
Just to see the freaks run

Here we go, once again, in the theatre again
Get cut, blood spot, no problem, get caught

I was faking, can't tell lies, yelling "You dirty guy!
Wasted all our precious time! We'll get you back into line!"

Go to court then, thrown in jail, for "pretending one was frail"
Store some files, for a while, escape, run for miles

Make a couple brand new mates, get my stuff shipped in with crates
Legally I change my name, THEN THE WHOLE THING STARTS AGAIN!

"My "needs" are really dire"
Ev'ry time I get caught
Run and find a new port
Provoke ev'ryone's ire
I'll do it in CA
And also in LA and CO and DE and GA and MA and PA and VA and WA and WI

My "needs" are really dire
I could spend forever
Swindling doctors - suckers!
Easier than a fire
Can't believe they're pulled in
Think they need an asp'rin
Some pronounciation notes:silicosis = si-li-ko-siscystic fibrosis = sis-tik-fib-ro-sisphenylketonuria = fen-l-kee-ten-you-ree-afecal = fe-kaldyspepsia = dis-pep-see-adysphagia = dis-faj-i-adysuria = dis-you-ree-ahematochezia = hym-a-toe-che-zee-abrachii = brak-ee-iintertransversarii = in-ter-trans-vers-a-ryphalanges = fal-an-jessternocleidomastoid = stern-o-cleyd-o-mast-oydleukemia = loo-kee-mee-asclerosis = skle-ro-sis (yes, it's three syllables!)And all the state abbrieviations are said as they appear, e.g. MA is pronounced 'mah' etc.

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.4
How Funny: 4.4
Overall Rating: 4.4

Total Votes: 21

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   3
 2   0
 3   0
 4   1
 5   17

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Ann Hammond - September 09, 2006 - Report this comment
This made me think of a Johnny Bravo cartoon where Johnny was in the hospital and had a beautiful nurse. Johnny kept trying to call her so she would have a guy come and beat him up.
TJC - September 09, 2006 - Report this comment
You conquered this one, buddy! Very funny... [To tell the truth, tho, I think it sounds more like Munchausen Syndrome.
Cat - September 09, 2006 - Report this comment
Oh my lord. This was FANTASTIC. And you said you can't do narratives....pffft! Making a WDSTF parody into a narrative must be hell-hard, and working in words I can't even pronounce so beautifully deserves extra brownie points, definitely. This was probably your best ever, Pieman. Give yourself a pat on the back.

(but I have to ask...were you even SLIGHTLY inspired by my "I Have A Nasty Case Of Every Virus, Bug Conceivable?" I know that dude had real illnesses, not fake ones, but I'm just asking...)
The Charnstar - September 09, 2006 - Report this comment
THAT WAS AMAZING! Long awaited, and well worth the wait. 5-5-5
bobpiecheese - September 09, 2006 - Report this comment
Cat: No, I wasn't inspired by that parody...even though I did read it for a SOTM. I just wanted to parody WDSTF and I was thinking of words that rhymed with 'fire' and I came up with 'dire' and worked the rest from there. Although, I did draw the 'provoke ev'ryone's ire' line from you.
Michael Pacholek, channeling Phil "the Scooter" Rizzuto - September 10, 2006 - Report this comment
Ooh, I tell ya, Conqueror, this parody gave me agita. I might have to go home early, I just got a cramp in my leg. Here's five Holy Cows, you huckleberry.
Red Ant - September 10, 2006 - Report this comment
Extremely well done, pieman! One note though: no one in the states would pronounce the abbreviations the way you do ("mah" for MA, etc. ), but that's a really minor point. Great work all the way around. I had an idea called "These Side Effects Are Mild" for this song, but this pretty much kills that thought.
bobpiecheese - September 11, 2006 - Report this comment
Jack: The way I pronounce the states was already used in the flash cartoons at, specifically the Strong Bad E-Mails. That's where I got it from.
Agrimorfee - September 11, 2006 - Report this comment
Hey Conqueror, you conquered WDSTF! And major plus points for turning it into a narrative halfway in instead of just making a "list song". 555
Meriadoc - September 12, 2006 - Report this comment
Good job!
wannabemustangjockey - October 03, 2006 - Report this comment
You must have a whole collection of medical journals to know all these conditions ... but I'm not sure kleptomania is a disease!
Peter Andersson a.k.a K1chyd - October 05, 2006 - Report this comment
SOTM - Sicko of the Month. And "fe-kaldyspepsia" (failed line break?) in the bottom comments cracked me up! :-)
tomario - October 09, 2006 - Report this comment
SOTM-man your sick! i prescribe 555
Agrimorfee - October 10, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) see above
The Charnstar - October 11, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) - I'm with Agrimorfee on this one (AKA. see above)
Rick C - October 18, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Great write, piecheesemo! 555
Stuart McArthur - October 20, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) wow, that was brilliantly done, bobpie - instead of being just a list parody you mixed up the (incredibly) long list of maladies with some witty lines (loved "pretending one was frail") and changed all the choruses, which makes it top-notch stuff - big 555
Matthias - October 21, 2006 - Report this comment
These are tricky to tackle so fives to you young sir
Jack Wilson - October 22, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM)LOL oh wow hard song to parody,you did AWESOME! Great job! 555!
Red Ant - October 23, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I read this while listening to the original, something I didn't initially do. Extra kudos for getting a lot of really great subs and rhymes in your parody.
Michael McVey - October 25, 2006 - Report this comment
Watch out, the government might use your character as an excuse to nationalize medicine. 5's.----MM
Phil Alexander - October 27, 2006 - Report this comment
Some excellent subs, and extra "belly laugh" for suffering diarrhoea (spelling noted: are you from this side of the pond, then?) and constipation in the same couplet :-)
Tim Mayfield - October 28, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I'm too sick to vote for this one. I'll call back in the morning. This was fantastic and I know how hard this song is to work with. Giant KUDOS!
Jeff Reuben - October 28, 2006 - Report this comment
SOTM-"Constant bouts with fleas", LOL. Nice job on a tough song!
wannabemustangjockey - October 29, 2006 - Report this comment
SOTM - See above if it doesn't pain you too much to do so.
Kristof Robertson - October 31, 2006 - Report this comment
(SOTM) The gods of parody are smiling on you at the moment, bob. This is a stunning effort. 555+

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