What's the matter with the house I'm hitting?
I know that this street's not wide
Maybe I should take some driving lessons
I'm lucky to still be alive
Was I talking on my cell with my honey
I'm in a fix but officer, I have a lot of money
Everybody's talkin' bout my lousy driving
Buddy, don't hit the road with me

What's the matter with the car I'm driving?
It keeps going out of control
Something wrong with my eye-hand timing
Didn't know I would hit the wall
Nowadays you can't be too sentimental
Today I trashed my baby blue Continental.
Hot funk, cool punk, must be drivin' old junk
So don't hit the road with me

Oh, it doesn't matter what they say in the papers
'Cause it's always been the same old scene.
When I drive through your town
You don't wanna be around, you might end up in a crash scene
With my stick shift through your spleen

Now I'm wearing a new hospital gown
No they never go out of style
Be afraid next time I go out for pizza
Or go cruisin' down the Miracle Mile
Don't waste your money on a new set of tires,
They pried me out with an old set of pliers
Next car, no bar, roll bar, there you are
Don't hit the road with me

What's the matter with the crowd around me?
Do they think that I'm out of touch?
Should I try to walk a straight line, maybe?
But I swear I didn't drink too much
Don't you know about my new driver, honey?
It's Lizzie Grubman, and she just as funny
It's the crank shift, fork lift, I'm in deep sh*t
So don't hit the road with me

Everybody's talkin bout my lousy driving
Buddy, don't hit the road with me