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Song Parodies -> "Sexi[e]st"

Original Song Title:

"Be Our Guest"

Original Performer:

Beauty And The Beast

Parody Song Title:


Parody Written by:

Kristof Robertson

The Lyrics

Oh man, I'm so going to get in trouble for this....

I recently asked myself, how offensive could I really be? The answer lies below....
Note to all women and right-thinking men: THIS IS JUST A PARODY! I don't truly believe anything I've written please don't try to hunt me down....;-)
Ma chere mademoiselle, it's due to my great charm
(And lots of vodka) that your booty's here tonight
And now I invite you to relax, take off your clothes,
Put on stillettos and quickly prepare....
My dinner!

Sex-i-est, sexiest
That's the message on my text
But the chick who sent it missed an "e"
Before the final "s"
What a dope! What a ditz!
Still, she's got impressive tits
Mucho heavage of the cleavage
And some tidy, well-groomed beavage
What you say? I'm a swine?
Babe, I get that all the time
But if you've been "porked" by me, you've had the best
From Oregon to Philly,
Fillies know I'm really
Sexiest, sexiest, sexiest!

Chunky trunks! T & A!
I could stare at them all day
I'm a MAN who is a FAN
Of lesbiANish love displays
What on earth's got your goat?
Heck, we gave you all the vote
Now there's women in employment
If they're hot: well, more enjoyment!
Hooters gals! Penthouse Pets!
All thanks to the suffragettes
If you want to burn your bra, than I'd say YES!!!
We'll get along OK,
If meals are cooked each day
No time for rest; I'd suggest
You start feathering my nest
More or less...cet homme est...sexiest!

Be my guest! Be my guest!
If you're feeling sad or stressed
I'll be here; bring me a beer
And I'll appear to feign int'rest
Is that all? Are ya done?
Moaning's over; time for fun
Well, you're not the greatest kisser
But you're better than your sister
Learn to drive? In your dreams!
What a laugh, gal; what a scream!
You could bribe the DMV to pass your test
Coz cars are meant for boys
If whay I say annoys
I would're depressed...PMS!

I've been dissed...chauvinist?
Honey, add it to the list
I've a hunch: time of the month
So stamp your feet and shake your fist
Hit the mall! Buy some shoes!
While you're out, get me some brews
I'll be in the mood for play-sex
So pick up something in latex
When we're through, I'll need sleep
I won't want to hear a peep
Coz there's nothing you could say that would impress...
It takes a lot of work
To be this big a jerk
I digress...I'm the best...sexiest!

Women are from Venus
Men are from the planet Penis
It's genetic; not pathetic, crass or lewd
Oh; long gone, those days when wives were servile
Suddenly, chicks want to act like dudes!
We need nurses, teachers
Not some hag like Condoleezza
Hilary should never try to upstage Bill
These days, he just lets her wear the trousers;
Not a real man since he
Took the rap for Miss Lewinsky...

Sexiest! Sexiest!
Sugar, feel my hairy chest
I'll be honest with ya, darling;
You look fat when you're undressed
Hey, Spice Girls? Take a hike!
(Is the sporty one a dyke?)
Though I don't support Girl Power
I like girls in power showers...
I'm the king! Where's my throne?
My role model's Fred Flintstone
All you feminazi prudes, give it a rest!
It's time to stop your bitchin'
Get back in the kitchen

Sexist? Yes!
Sexist? Yes!
Sexist? Yes!

Sexist? Hell, YES!!!

Your Vote & Comment Counts

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
Overall Score: 

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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.2
How Funny: 4.1
Overall Rating: 4.0

Total Votes: 37

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   7
 2   0
 3   0
 4   2
 5   28

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

John Jenkins - November 21, 2007 - Report this comment
Outstanding! The only thing wrong with this parody was the disclaimer at the beginning (JK). It is all excellent, but the "From Oregon to Philly, Fillies know I'm really" couplet stands out for me.
Phil Alexander - November 21, 2007 - Report this comment
It's the best! It's the best
This song is the Kristoffest
But, you cheeky young rapscallion Didn't mention your medallion
Solid gold (when you're rolled,
It may feel a little cold
As it hangs down from the Kristof hairy chest)
Oh, dear.. what did I say
Well, I got carried away
Excessive zest
What a pest
It's the best ;-)
Jack Wilson - November 21, 2007 - Report this comment
Poomaster - November 21, 2007 - Report this comment
I love this 90's song, and I loved this parody! 555's!
McKludge - November 21, 2007 - Report this comment
Ding Ding Ding! We have a winner, ladies and gentlemen, for the November SOTM. Well, maybe the ladies won't vote for it, but it's high fives from me.
Dee Range - November 21, 2007 - Report this comment
555+++ One of your best, Kristof. Full of fabulous lines and tongue-in-cheek (and other places) humor
Jason - November 21, 2007 - Report this comment
Rick C - November 21, 2007 - Report this comment
I see you have a broad scope on this subject. Excellent! 555
Mr critic - November 21, 2007 - Report this comment
Leave poomaster alone, he's giving positive feedback on the parody. Maybe he just decided to give his poo obssession a rest. I happen to like this parody too, so it gets fives.
alvin - November 21, 2007 - Report this comment
outstanding job
Agrimorfee - November 21, 2007 - Report this comment
Alvin: That's what she said. Kristof, you are too damned good. 555
stuart mcarthur - November 21, 2007 - Report this comment
Amazing BOG, Kristof! I loved your "Me Depressed" but this one is just as good - you juts cover so much territory, and it's just so dense with one-liners (I lol'ed at "Hey, Spice Girls? Take a hike!... (Is the sporty one a dyke?)" - brilliant stuff - 555
MrMacphisto - November 21, 2007 - Report this comment
LOL... one of your best....
Kristof Robertson - November 21, 2007 - Report this comment
WHEW! I was VERY nervous about posting this (despite my confident persona, I'm really a yeller-bellied approval junkie) I'm glad that you all got it (I must learn to have more faith in you guys). Pushing myself to write something that made ME feel uncomfortable was quite an experience, so I really appreciate the feedback.

Cheers to JJ, Phil, Jackie, Poomaster, McK, Dee, Jase, Rick, Mr C, Al, Aggy, Stu and Mac.

AFW - November 21, 2007 - Report this comment
Very philosophical, and very funny
John Barry - November 22, 2007 - Report this comment
You magnificent beast, Robertson, I read your parody!
Guy - November 22, 2007 - Report this comment
I came onto to this song late on and have noted that any hint of a female written comment is non existant unless Poomaster is a she. Kristof, You can't hear that? The silence is deafening. As a male I can see where you are coming from as my brain is wired for male. But I know when I ask my wife what is wrong and I get "nothing" when her body language is screaming "READ MY MIND YOU TWIT" I know better. Give me a screaming wife any day. I know how to handle that. The silence though, that is the lethal one. I will approve of your piece because it is well written and you have disclaimed your intent but then again I'm wired male. (It is funny and I LOLed a few).
Smeg And The Heads - December 06, 2007 - Report this comment
Great stuff, I loved every line of it. "Hit the mall! Buy some shoes! While you're out, get me some brews" ... amazing!
Cat - December 07, 2007 - Report this comment
PIG!!! We wear those stilettos for a STAB emotionless lunkheads like YOU!!!


No, but in all seriousness, I'm a feminist who knows how to laugh at herself. TMGLTM, but "Planet Penis" and the bra-burning line were especially hilarious. And I still love you, you old troglodyte. ;)
GANGSTA JOE - December 07, 2007 - Report this comment
YO, poo to da master is RIGHT, the BEAUTY AND DA BEAST MOVIE WAS MADE IN THA 1990'S, HOMEY! But I'm a give you 555's anyway because you wrote such a pimpin parody here. Peace out!
Peter Andersson - December 15, 2007 - Report this comment
SOTM = Sexi[e]st Of The Month! :-)
Matthias - December 20, 2007 - Report this comment
-Originality (A): This hasn't been done before, because nobody's had the balls to do it before. This takes some really gutso to pull this one off, and it's a subject that we've all had to deal with, women more often than men, but still we've all been there, so well done bringing this subject to song. -Pacing: (A): Although I really hate the Broadway version of thing song (It's far too showy with the actors and insturments) you had the pacing spot-on like any other Kristof parody. -Comedy (A+): Extremely hilarious! One of the funniest songs I've read by you. I'm getting tired of the original song, but still you have a talent of comedy, and rude, sexist comedy is still amazing done though the words of Kristof. -Overall (A): I'm getting tired of this original song, the Broadway version I just heard today and I would rather listen to the quick, speedy movie version than this version, but still this is a classic Kristof parody, and amazing as usual.
laPetiteCupCake - December 20, 2007 - Report this comment
~ Vive la difference ~ Sir Kristof!
Max Power - December 21, 2007 - Report this comment
Red Ant - December 23, 2007 - Report this comment
I KNOW I read this and commented... geez I'm getting forgetful in my old age. =) You know, I really want to hate BOG now, but as long as you keep doing them this well, I can stomach some more. This was hilarious... I mean, "You PIG!" 555+
Guy - December 23, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM-NOV) Hmmm - I wonder if my comments above brought out some ladies to comment. You got some cojones I'll give ya that mate. Good luck with the comp. And again - I'm still approving and adding masterfully done. and I'm still wired "male". =:-)
EmiLoca - December 24, 2007 - Report this comment
555 and a life's worth of sammiches from this subservient wench.
Smeg And The Heads - December 27, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Comment above, and I still love it.
Jason - December 27, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Funny! And those morons who voted 1s on it need their heads checked.
stuart mcarthur - December 29, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) well, you know something's good when you're actually looking forward to rereading it, as I was with this - this is just amazing mate - the "since he/Lewinsky" rhyme, fitting Condoleezza in (a one-word punchline if ever I've seen one) and witty couplets like "Well, you're not the greatest kisser, But you're better than your sister" - an amiright classic - 555
bobpiecheese - December 30, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) 4 111's on a Kristof parody? Looks like some people are either bastards, or don't read top comments. Absolutely amazing (as usual) Overlord Kristof!
Below Average Dave ( - December 30, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Bobpie, someone just has a problem with the topic on this one, I guarantee it, someone was a prude. . .but yeah, that shows what votes mean because as MUCH AS I AM SICK OF BE OUR GUEST PARODIES. . .I'd be lying if I said this one wasn't friggin hilarious. The Whole Mucho Cleavage spanish/french/english switchovers all over the place, This isn't merely a veteran parody by a veteran writer, if you were able to record more frequently Kristof, I think you would be as popular as at a very minimum, and that's saying a lot cause I like his work, I think you could very seriously dethrone Weird Al in a lyric battle.
Mikey Squirrel - December 30, 2007 - Report this comment
SOTM- Very funny. Sexy funny. As usual, another top-notch effort. Well done, Kristof.
Jeff Reuben - December 31, 2007 - Report this comment
Ones guy sighting!!! A great job on one of the classics. Again.
Jack Wilson - December 31, 2007 - Report this comment
See above!
Matthias - March 24, 2008 - Report this comment
Man... I am still amazed by this parody. Although I am sick and tired of those Be Our Guest parodies, this one surely takes the cake and sets the bar for future parodies of this song, because none will be able to beat this even if Weird Al Yankovic did a parody of this song (Which isn't going to happen, because as far as I know it, Weird Al has not yet done a Disney song), but seriously nobody will be able to beat this rendition of "Be Our Guest" so please people stop trying!
TJC - April 24, 2008 - Report this comment
Just stumbled upon this perfect gem, Kristof... Spaff's 'Shakespearean Pie' must now, IMHO, share top honors as best parody on the entire site...
Still-let-Me - April 24, 2008 - Report this comment
Here comes Mr Stilletto, again . . . Absolutely entertaining, Lord Kristof! Only thing missing is a line about the Robertson kilt !
Glen S - December 01, 2008 - Report this comment
I read this several times before. I thought it was excellently written then, but I forgot to share, apparently. It still is, and I still enjoy how shameless it is. Where ya been recently?

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