Young ma’am – welcome to our retreat
I said, young ma’am – hope you’ve *lots* of gametes
I said, young ma’am – like our one-bedroom suite?
It’s a hundred sixty acres!

Young ma’am – make like Donny’s Marie
And suc-cumb, ma’am – to The Patriarchy
Then keep mum, ma’am – ‘bout our baby fac’try…
We’re just hor-ny Mor-my ‘Shakers’!

[ Hump! Hump! Hump! Hump! Hump! ]

It’s fun to stay at the – F-L-D-S
‘Cause, hon, they comp us at – Bonnet Express™
Our last diaphragm ‘popped’—
We’ve got four hundred kids—
And we’re flippin’ our frickin’ LiDS!

It’s fun to stay at the – F-L-D-S
It’s fun to mate with the – Klones of Koresh
Sure, we marry ‘em young
But we checked our ‘Good Book’
It says, “Pre-teens go forth and schtupp!”

Say ma’am – so, you *just* joined our clan?
Then to-day, ma’am – you wed Uber-Ward Zahn
Then ‘roll hay’, ma’am – after Peg, Paige and Pam
And indulge in sloppy sevenths!

So, ma’am – oven’s loaded with ‘buns’
All white ‘dough’, ma’am – ‘cause like Mel’s Ar-yee-uns
We’re ‘Jim Crow’, ma’am – when it comes to our sons
(But still dig Be-yon-ce’s thrustings!)

[ Pump! Pump! Pump! Pump! Pump! ]

It’s fun to stay at the – F-L-D-S
It’s fun to ‘prey’ at the – F-L-D-S
Thumb your nose at ol’ Mitt
Fun n’ Prophets abound
In our Waco-licious compound!

It’s fun to stay at the – F-L-D-S
But hon, don’t nay the Ward’s – ‘X-L caress’
Or he’ll kick your butt out—
Scientologists swoop…
Then it’s Xenu and Cruise you’ll schtupp!!

F-L-X.S.
F-L-B.S.

~