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Song Parodies -> "I'm Not a Fan"

Original Song Title:

"The Candyman"

Original Performer:

Sammy Davis Jr.

Parody Song Title:

"I'm Not a Fan"

Parody Written by:

Arwen

The Lyrics

Just a couple of "deal-breakers" when it comes to the opposite sex...
Don't bathe in your co-logne
A sprinkle will do
You don't need to douse it--makes you smell worse than the zoo
I'm not a fan
I'm not a fan, man
I'm not a fan, man, they can smell you in Japan
And you know that ain't good

Don't tell me you want to
Cuddle J-Lo's thigh
Then get all annoyed when I talk to another guy
I'm not a fan
I'm not a fan, man
I'm not a fan, man, let me do the things you can
I hope I'm understood

A fan you won't make, with these huge mistakes
Don't be jealous or suspicious
If I could have just three wishes
I'd want a guy who'd do the dishes

Oh, don't cover a bald spot
Combing over hair
If you do, you won't find me around you anywhere
I'm not a fan
I'm not a fan, man
I'm not a fan, man, and I'll never hold your hand
Don't think an-y girl should

A fan you won't make, slamming on the brakes
And you'd better be judicious
I want someone who's ambitious
Sorry if I'm sounding vicious

Yeah, yeah, yeah

Don't call me your girlfriend
Tell your folks we date
Don't use me to cover so your family thinks you're straight
I'm not a fan
I'm not a fan, man
I'm not a fan, man; neither is your boyfriend Dan
He feels misunderstood

No, I'm not a fan, man, and I gotta make demands
To find a man that's good

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.9
How Funny: 4.9
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 42

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 0
 0
 
 2   0
 0
 0
 
 3   0
 1
 1
 
 4   4
 4
 5
 
 5   38
 37
 36
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Stuart McArthur - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
ha ha - funny, Arwen "I'm not a fan, man, they can smell you in Japan" very tight - 555
Kristof Robertson - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
Boy howdy! This is unbelievably good! "They can smell you in Japan" is priceless. And the last verse had me apoplectic with glee...super! 555
Royce Miller - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
excellent, Arwen
Ingeborg S. Nordén - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
Brilliant work as usual--very well rhymed and paced, and the no-holds-barred criticism contrasts beautifully with the childlike sickly-sweetness (no pun intended) of the original song. Fives all round!
Airfarcewon - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
I'm a fan...5's
John Barry - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
Sweet parody. I, too, loved the Japan line.
Dee Range - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
This smells wonderful. Great lines all over. I'm gonna stalk you in my walker....soon as my hip replacement heals up. 555
Ashkicksass - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
I love love love love love this! Amen!!!
Arwen - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
Stuart: Thank you very very much! I really appreciate your comments! You're new aren't you? Welcome welcome welcome!

Kristof: 187 points for using the phrase "Boy Howdy!" Thank you very much, you S.A.B!! I'm really glad to have you back!

Royce: Thanks a lot!

Ingeborg: I really appreciate the "brilliant as usual" bit...nice to know I've established a standard for myself...thanks!

Airfaceone: And you know...a girl is only as good as her fans...or...something like that. Hee hee! Thanks!!

John Barry: Thanks thanks thanks! I thought the boyfriend Dan line would get more props...but I'm glad the Japan thing went over well!!

Dee: You can stalk me all you want! Thanks, buddy!!

Ashkicksass: I love love love love love that you love it!! Thanks, babe!!!
2nz - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
I'm not gay, my boyfriend Dan is... Very clever Arwen, great parody.

"Now don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright."
"But that won't keep me warm while I'm here at Amiright, yeah."
... - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
Good one! 5-5-5.
Arwen - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks 2nzy! Nice Shania reference...=)

And thanks to you, too, Ellipsis!
Ravyn Rant - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
This one had me laughing out loud...never a good thing to do at work, oh well! It's funny enough to get written up for! 5s from me!
Arwen - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
Oh Ravyn! What a compliment! I know I try to keep to the "silent shake" while I'm at work...but sometimes you HAVE to laugh out loud. So glad I could provide that release for you!! Thanks!
Billy Florio - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
Brilliant Arwen...parody of the day
Michael Pacholek - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
Does this mean he's NOT "too sexy for Milan, New York and Japan"? But make your man wash the dishes? That lets me out. Here in the 21st Century, we have these amazing machines called dishwashers.
Adam Eccleshall - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
Great stuff :-) 5's
Arwen - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
Billy: Thanks, buddy!! =) =) =)

Mister Pacholek: When I say "do the dishes," I MEAN loading and unloading the dishwasher. I HATE doing that. Seriously.

Adam: Thank you very much. I appreciate it! =)
Stuart McArthur - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks for the welcome Arwen - I love this site, and your parodies (and you) are refreshingly personable and cool....
Arwen - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
Oh Stuart! You've been here a week and you're already hip to the "Arwen is the most refreshingly personable and cool chick this side of Rivendell" vibe that's floating around? ; ) You ARE astute!

Seriously though...thank you VERY much for a lovely compliment.
alvin rhodes - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
i bow to your greatness..this is excellent
Arwen - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
Alvin...come on...stand up! You're embarrassing me! Heehee...I'm totally blushing! Thank you very very much!
Arwen - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
Oh how humiliating! I typoed/misspelled Airfarceone's name up there...SORRY!!
Stuart McArthur - October 07, 2004 - Report this comment
ah, see what I mean?? you go girl
Phil Alexander - October 08, 2004 - Report this comment
Super, Arwen. Too many good lines to pick out just one :-)
Arwen - October 08, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks so much, Phil! I honestly just threw this one together the other night before I went to bed...maybe I should stop TRYING so hard the rest of the time...=)
Phil Alexander - October 08, 2004 - Report this comment
Those are often the ones that work best: when you have to rack your brains for every other line, they never flow quite as well. Recently I've taken to leaving unfinished anything I can't polish off in a few minutes (with one or two exceptions), but jotting down some ideas to go with. Then every so often I review the half-finished bunch and there's usually something that jumps out at me.
Arwen - October 08, 2004 - Report this comment
Phil, for my whole parody writing life that's how I've been. And, for the most part, that's still how I am. I'll be driving along and a line will hit me...and I just kind of build around it. By the time I get back to my office, or home...or to a random laptop that I can snake from an unsuspecting cafe customer who's gotten up to get a refill...I've basically got the whole thing written in my head.

Still...every once in a while...when I hit a little writer's block...I find myself trying too hard. And I'm just very recently coming out of a funk like that...
Spaff.com - October 10, 2004 - Report this comment
This makes me want to cuddle J. Lo's thigh.
Arwen - October 10, 2004 - Report this comment
Fine, bastard. But I'm TOTALLY talking to another guy later...
Serafina - October 12, 2004 - Report this comment
Hey, Arwen! Great parody! I missed it last week cause I was feeling sick; I'm all better now. Anyways, I give this parody a perfect score. :)
Arwen - October 12, 2004 - Report this comment
I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better, Serafina! And thank you very much for the vote! =)
Johnny D - October 18, 2004 - Report this comment
Wow, great! Gee, Arwen, your parody writing is of such high quality, I wish we could see more quantity, too.

P.S. What Spaff said.
Arwen - October 18, 2004 - Report this comment
Aww...thanks, Johnny! All I can say is that if I try too hard to submit more than I'm already submitting, I fear that the submissions will suck. And then...you'll all be saying..."Yeah, Arwen...I'm not a fan!"
Johnny D - October 18, 2004 - Report this comment
I'll always be a fan of my favorite pointy-eared Princess.... :-)
Know 1 can hear you dream - November 01, 2004 - Report this comment
If you can polish up old stuff like this then I so no reason for taking the dishes out of your hands.
Arwen - November 01, 2004 - Report this comment
Phew! Thanks, K1!!
Adagio - November 02, 2004 - Report this comment
SOTM Good one.
Arwen - November 02, 2004 - Report this comment
Thank, Adagio...
Jeff Reuben - November 02, 2004 - Report this comment
Totally missed this when it came out. This was great: "If I could have just three wishes I'd want a guy who'd do the dishes" My wife loved this line (and when I do the dishes)...what were the other three wishes? Also, I agree on the quantity/quality thing =)
Arwen - November 02, 2004 - Report this comment
Oh Jeff...you really know how to ask the hard questions, don't you? Bastard. Um...3 wishes...

1. Looks like Vin Diesel
2. Sings like Kenny Chesney
3. Um...Does Dishes like Alice from The Brady Bunch??
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - November 08, 2004 - Report this comment
I revisited the horizontal carpeted surface below my feet.
Arwen - November 09, 2004 - Report this comment
Oh Arnold...I mean Luke! You're just so dog gone adorable!! Thanks!
Ash - November 09, 2004 - Report this comment
SOTM-Nice work! 15 spritzes of cologne for you! I'll use it lightly so you don't smell it in Japan, hehe
Guy - November 10, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) FANtastic.
Kristof Robertson - November 10, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Loved it first time...loved it again
Melhi - November 10, 2004 - Report this comment
Oct SOTM -- Love it!
Arwen - November 10, 2004 - Report this comment
Awww...my SOTM visitors...Ash, Guy, Kristof and Melhi...thanks a bunch!!
Rick D - November 11, 2004 - Report this comment
My feminine side loves this.
Arwen - November 11, 2004 - Report this comment
Hee hee! Thanks, Rick!
Agrimorfee - November 12, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Good stuff...
Claude Prez - November 19, 2004 - Report this comment
Great stuff. And just so you know, I do all the dishes at my house. Plus I can sing like Vin Diesel. (he can't sing, right?)
Arwen - November 19, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks Agri!

Claude...you know, this might make you (and many others) cringe...but being the obsessive entertainment news hound that I am...I have to break it to you that I read a while ago that Vin REALLY wants to re-make "Guys and Dolls." That's right...dancing and singing...and you KNOW I'd watch it! I've heard him sing. I'm not complaining. But then...he could cough and I'd probably think it was sexy...
Claude Prez - November 19, 2004 - Report this comment
I bet he does the damn dishes too. Bastard.
Arwen - November 19, 2004 - Report this comment
I really don't know about that. But he IS a Bastard. All the people that I truly love are...
martha - November 23, 2004 - Report this comment
yet again .. another winner! love this one .. and well done for elaborating on the detail of the dishes point!!
Stuart McArthur - November 23, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) my god, look at all the votes!

my appreciation of this parody has already been registered - hardly knew you then!!
Johnny D - November 25, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) See above!
Peregrin - November 26, 2004 - Report this comment
Some very funny lines in there, Arwen!
Arwen - November 26, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks a bunch, Martha, Stuart, Johnny and Pippin!
Dee Range - November 27, 2004 - Report this comment
SOTM. Great parody...see above vote and comment :-)
Arwen - November 27, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks for stopping by again, Dee! =)
Spaff.com - November 28, 2004 - Report this comment
I'm still a fan.

P.S. What Johnny D said.
2nz - November 29, 2004 - Report this comment
Me too

P.S. Me too
Arwen - November 29, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks.

Nerds.
Jeff Reuben - November 29, 2004 - Report this comment
Still excellent, I should read more of your stuff sometime =)
Meriadoc - November 30, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Gee, my 'masculine side' just wilted... ;-D
Arwen - November 30, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanks, Arwen and Merry!
Arwen - November 30, 2004 - Report this comment
And I am an idiot.

I MEANT Jeff and Merry!!
John Jenkins - November 30, 2004 - Report this comment
Very well done, Arwen, but I'm curious about how you learned about all of these male imperfections. I'm certain that the men in your life do not have bald spots to cover over or exhibit any of the other flaws described in your parody.
Paul Robinson - November 30, 2004 - Report this comment
(SOTM)...but what do you really think? Greatstuff...5's...
Arwen - November 30, 2004 - Report this comment
Oh John...I've seen lots of movies about loser guys. That's how I know that they exist. You are right that I have never encountered one on my own. And I have NEVER gone on a date with one. Because I am the Queen of Perfectville...; ) Thanks!

Hee! Thanks, Paul!

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