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Song Parodies -> "Quiddich Is Stupid"

Original Song Title:

"We Are The Champions"

Original Performer:


Parody Song Title:

"Quiddich Is Stupid"

Parody Written by:

Phil Alexander

The Lyrics

I've enjoyed reading the Harry Potter books, and reading them to my children... but one thing annoys me: the Wizards' game Quiddich: why do they bother to have anybody else on the pitch except the seekers? The whole game's just a silly plot device created purely so that Harry Potter can save the day after it looks like the Gryffindor team have been invalided out of the game by bully-boy tactics.

Anyway, it's time to continue this rant in verse....
I've read the books, time after time
Read every sentence, when it's bedtime
And mad piss-takes, I've read them, too
But there's just one thing that gets on my wick
Let me tell you
Do I need to go on and on and on and on?

Quiddich is stupid, my friend
You know who will win it in the end
A stupid game, quiddich
Foolish game, quiddich
It's utter bollocks
For witches and warlocks
It's absurd

Forget the beaters, and the bludger balls
Slytherin take the lead by cheating - there's no ref at all
But their machinations always no use
Wouldn't it be great if, just once in a while
Gryffindor lose?
Do I need to go on and on and on and on?

This silly game, quiddich, I hate
Just a way to show off, Harry's great
Silly game, quiddich
'cause Harry gets the snitch
No chance he'll lose it
This bloody game, Quiddich
It's absurd

Quiddich is foolish for fools
It has such ridiculous rules
Inane game, quiddich
Insane game, quiddich
I'd like to say it's
So stupid, who'd play it?
It's absurd

Quiddich is screwy, I know
So why do they bother to go?
Why do they begin it?
We all know who'll win it -
No prizes for guessin'
Here endeth the lesson

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.8
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 4.8

Total Votes: 5

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
 2   0
 3   0
 4   1
 5   4

User Comments

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Snaggletoth - May 22, 2003 - Report this comment
Im so with you on this dude! That has got to be one of the most stoooopid plot twists that an book-and-movie audience has ever been asked to accept. Had a little hard to follow the original, but otherwise 4,5+,5+!
Helen - May 22, 2003 - Report this comment
Heh, how true. I would love to see Slytherin fairly beat Gryffindor without any random accidents occurring... 'You know who will win it in the end'? That's a plot twist I didn't expect ;)
Claude Prez - May 22, 2003 - Report this comment
I don't know what a "mad piss-take" is, but it was still funny. Nice job.
Phil Alexander - May 23, 2003 - Report this comment
Claude: the one I was thinking of when I wrote this was "Barry Trotter and the Shameless Parody" (by the chap who wrote Bored of the Rings)... I tried playing it through on the guitar last night, and it must count as my worst ever parody for scansion, turning into a screaming rant towards the end, but I think it gets the message across ;-)
Helen - May 23, 2003 - Report this comment
Was it really by the same person who wrote 'Bored of the Rings'? I just thought it was a similar genre... or maybe I just wasn't paying attention...
C. Pollman - May 23, 2003 - Report this comment
Damn straight, Phil ! You can predict instantly that the team with the "heroes" on it will win, and something will go wrong, or other shit like that. I like Harry Potter, but I'm no huge fan, and therefore congratulate you on poking some fun at one of the book's stupidest aspects
Phil Alexander - June 06, 2003 - Report this comment
Helen - I checked, and no it isn't written by the same person: "Barry Trotter" was written my Michael Gerber, and "Bored of the Rings" was a Harvard Lampoon title - I'd got it into my head that the former was a Lampoon one, too.
Jason Parker - September 13, 2003 - Report this comment
I think your all retards and the songs where freekin' stupid
Phil Alexander - September 15, 2003 - Report this comment
Jason, if you're going to call people retards, you really ought to remove the beam from your own eye first: I make it two analytical and three grammatical or typographic errors in a sentence with only eleven words... retarded, moi?
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - August 24, 2004 - Report this comment
Swish for Phil! Suck on that, Parker!
Some good rhyming but pacing not perfect. Hey, I actually anticipate how J K Rowling will make Harry win in the end, it is the most enthralling aspect of the books! Jake A Ralphing wishing to repeat the name J K Rowling beside his name for no reason: J K Rowling Jake A Ralphing. Nice work.
Phil Alexander - August 27, 2004 - Report this comment
Well, Jake, I honestly think this is the worst-paced parody I've written (in that it probably does deserve a '4' for pacing), but I got rather carried away with the polemic... say, is Jake A Ralphing derived from JK Rowling, then?
Paul Robinson - August 30, 2004 - Report this comment
(ABC) Phil, well of course it's a silly plot device, and while I haven't read any of the Harry Potter books my impression is that at least they are interesting and well told stories. So while :"Qiddich" is a silly plot device within the story, it's still better than if the ENTIRE STORY had been about Harry Potter and the Qiddich team he was on and their character-building, nail-biting, victories on the hard-won path to the "National Qiddich Finals" or some such nonsense. Anyway, 4-5-4 on your parody. My vote wiped out the 14 votes you previously had received, but I imagine you've already recorded whatever numbers you might have wanted to retain from the "pre-07/28 votes". Just in case you didn't I did a "screen capture" and saved it to a Word Doc.
Johnny D - August 30, 2004 - Report this comment
(ABC) That's pretty clever, I think it's OK.
Phil Alexander - August 30, 2004 - Report this comment
Paul - what you may not have realized is that the whole game of quiddich is a complete waste of time: there is no point to any of it as whoever catches the snitch (i.e. Harry) wins. Getting ten points for this or that while the game is in progress is completely superfluous. The rest of the plots are derivative and pretty unoriginal: mix Tom Brown's Schooldays with, say, the Weirdstone of Brisengamen and you're already 90% of the way there. But for some reason they've struck a chord...
And thanks for the thought, but I've got my backup of all voting records.
Rick D - August 30, 2004 - Report this comment
I thought this was hilarious, and I thought the same thing when I read the rules of this silly game.
Paul Robinson - August 30, 2004 - Report this comment
Phil, these books really are just like the "Bronc Burnett" book series I read when I was about 10 (Bronc, the chisel-jawed Top-Jock of a small New Mexico High School; a gritty bunch, barely enough boys in the school to even field 9 players for a baseball team, yet year after year after monotonous year they somehow manage to win ALMOST all their games and advance to, yes, you guessed it, THE STATE FINALS, where they must again overcome overwhelming odds...Qiddich, anyone?
Jake A Ralphing (Luke Brattoni) - August 30, 2004 - Report this comment
(ABC) Phil- now wherever did you pick up that ludicrous notion?! This one is still causticly funny. ;)
Claude Prez - September 03, 2004 - Report this comment
I like this even more now -- I don't know if I'll ever see another quiddich scene in the movies without thinking of it.
Slytherin15 - September 10, 2004 - Report this comment
Funny but not true. /me is beater in the local team and excels at it :)
Dylan Baranski - November 10, 2006 - Report this comment
Are you British? You use a bunch of British words.
Phil Alexander - November 13, 2006 - Report this comment
Dylan - I use several British words, because yes, I am British ;-)
Cecilia Alexander - August 22, 2012 - Report this comment
Firstly, in the author's comment above the song, it says you have read the Harry Potter books to your children, yet you haven't read them to me, and I am the one that enjoys Harry Potter the most out of the four of us. Secondly, I would play Qiddich, seen as that means you can fly on a broomstick and that seems really fun, also you can whack bludgers at people and you can't get told off because that's part of the game. Thirdly, Qiddich does have a referee, in Hogwarts it is Madame Hooch, who is also the flying instructor for first years. Forthly, there are no warlocks in Harry Potter, you have your fiction novels mixed up. But, apart from that, very good, well done! =)

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