Is this for real, guys?
Is this just urban myth?
Caught in my spam pile
No escape from the Internet's
Well-meaning lies
Why can't friends get wise and see?

I don't have high speed
I need more memory
They send suspicious files, virus threats,
Altered pix, Darwin deaths

Any kind of spam blows
Plus it rarely matters to me -
E.g.:

Mama - met me for lunch
Got the soup and salad deal
At the Neiman Marcus Grill
Mama - tries dessert for fun
The homemade cookies blow us both away
Mama's woo-oo-oo-ooed
Can we get the recipe?
The waitress says the charge for that's two-fifty
Add it on! Add it on!
As if that much really matters

Two weeks
My statement comes
Two hundred fifty bucks!
Man, that Neiman Marcus sucks!
Piss off, says their help line
You've got to pay
Gotta keep the things you buy or face a suit
Mama's screw-oo-oo-ooed
(Here's the way the spam grows)
Neiman's has to die!
So send this out to everyone that you know!

[The recipe is heralded with a dramatic electric guitar buildup - and then a jarring tempo change]

First cream a haffa cuppa butter up with three
Tablespoons! Tablespoons! Of yer good ol' white sugah
PLUS A CUP OF BROWN STUFF - MIX IT TILL THE MOUND'S FLUFF-EE
Half a teaspoon! Baking soda!
Half a teaspoon! Baking powda!
Half a teaspoon table salt! Mix in a bo-o-o-o-owl
With one and three-fourths
Cups of white flour; Pre-
HEAT UP THE OVEN! THREE HUNDRED SEVENTY!
MAKE SURE THERE'S ROOM FOR YOUR GREASED COOKIE SHEET
Add an egg - to the dough - with two teaspoons o'
VANILLA! OH! AND INSTANT ESPRESSO - Here we go!
VANILLA! THAT'S POWDERED ESPRESSO - Kicks it, yo!
VANILLA! ONE-POINT-FIVE TEASPOONS O' - Espresso!
MIX IT IN THE DOUGH - Espresso!
BUT DON'T EAT THE DOUGH
(Never Never) Never eat the do-o-o-o-ough
NO - DON' - GO - FO - YO - DOUGH - BRO
Add semi-sweetened - semi-sweetened
SEMI-SWEET CHIPS O'COCOA
YOU NAILED IT, BUB! BAKE TEN MINUTES FOR SOME FINE COOKIES
COOK-IES
COOK-IEEEEEEEEEEES!

[Bang head against oven and/or monitor]

So you've heard that they're tracking your emails for cash?
Or the reason that Touched By An Angel was trashed?
No, baby
Don't send this to me, baby
Just gotta log out
Just gotta get off your computer!

[Instrumental mayhem gives way to the denouement]

(Ooh, spam - ooh, spam)

Doesn't really matter
If it's actually
Truth or where you heard it
Please just don't for-word it
To me.

(Any kind of spam blows)