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Song Parodies -> "Neiman-M Recipe"

Original Song Title:

"Bohemian Rhapsody"

 (MP3)
Original Performer:

Queen

Parody Song Title:

"Neiman-M Recipe"

Parody Written by:

Spaff.com

The Lyrics

Is this for real, guys?
Is this just urban myth?
Caught in my spam pile
No escape from the Internet's
Well-meaning lies
Why can't friends get wise and see?

I don't have high speed
I need more memory
They send suspicious files, virus threats,
Altered pix, Darwin deaths

Any kind of spam blows
Plus it rarely matters to me -
E.g.:

Mama - met me for lunch
Got the soup and salad deal
At the Neiman Marcus Grill
Mama - tries dessert for fun
The homemade cookies blow us both away
Mama's woo-oo-oo-ooed
Can we get the recipe?
The waitress says the charge for that's two-fifty
Add it on! Add it on!
As if that much really matters

Two weeks
My statement comes
Two hundred fifty bucks!
Man, that Neiman Marcus sucks!
Piss off, says their help line
You've got to pay
Gotta keep the things you buy or face a suit
Mama's screw-oo-oo-ooed
(Here's the way the spam grows)
Neiman's has to die!
So send this out to everyone that you know!

[The recipe is heralded with a dramatic electric guitar buildup - and then a jarring tempo change]

First cream a haffa cuppa butter up with three
Tablespoons! Tablespoons! Of yer good ol' white sugah
PLUS A CUP OF BROWN STUFF - MIX IT TILL THE MOUND'S FLUFF-EE
Half a teaspoon! Baking soda!
Half a teaspoon! Baking powda!
Half a teaspoon table salt! Mix in a bo-o-o-o-owl
With one and three-fourths
Cups of white flour; Pre-
HEAT UP THE OVEN! THREE HUNDRED SEVENTY!
MAKE SURE THERE'S ROOM FOR YOUR GREASED COOKIE SHEET
Add an egg - to the dough - with two teaspoons o'
VANILLA! OH! AND INSTANT ESPRESSO - Here we go!
VANILLA! THAT'S POWDERED ESPRESSO - Kicks it, yo!
VANILLA! ONE-POINT-FIVE TEASPOONS O' - Espresso!
MIX IT IN THE DOUGH - Espresso!
BUT DON'T EAT THE DOUGH
(Never Never) Never eat the do-o-o-o-ough
NO - DON' - GO - FO - YO - DOUGH - BRO
Add semi-sweetened - semi-sweetened
SEMI-SWEET CHIPS O'COCOA
YOU NAILED IT, BUB! BAKE TEN MINUTES FOR SOME FINE COOKIES
COOK-IES
COOK-IEEEEEEEEEEES!

[Bang head against oven and/or monitor]

So you've heard that they're tracking your emails for cash?
Or the reason that Touched By An Angel was trashed?
No, baby
Don't send this to me, baby
Just gotta log out
Just gotta get off your computer!

[Instrumental mayhem gives way to the denouement]

(Ooh, spam - ooh, spam)

Doesn't really matter
If it's actually
Truth or where you heard it
Please just don't for-word it
To me.

(Any kind of spam blows)
Copyright 2003+ Spaff.com. And yes, that really is the Neiman Marcus cookie recipe. I know because this actually happened to my friend's cousin's roommate.

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Matches Pace of
Original Song: 
How Funny: 
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Voting Results

 
Pacing: 4.6
How Funny: 4.6
Overall Rating: 4.6

Total Votes: 9

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 1
 1
 
 2   0
 0
 0
 
 3   0
 0
 0
 
 4   0
 0
 0
 
 5   8
 8
 8
 

User Comments

Comments are subject to review, and can be removed by the administration of the site at any time and for any reason.

Wild Man - September 25, 2003 - Report this comment
Gee Spaff, If I'd known you were gonna release this song. I would have held off the Chalupa Awards one more day, sorry Man. I really like your version. Primo! This song was a real challenge for me, and I have a new respect for anyone that uses this one.
Melhi - September 25, 2003 - Report this comment
Spaff, fantastic as always! (Is that hoax STILL around? Sheesh, I think that one's older than I am!!) Wildman, I've always thought this song's a real bear to tackle... I've never finished any that I've started. Hey, guess what!! For an unlimited time, only, Bill Gates will send you 25 cents for every copy of this comment you forward to your pals!! In exchange for the free cash, you agree to let Bill Gates sell your private info to Black-Market-Kidneys-R-Us. ;)
Spaff.com - September 25, 2003 - Report this comment
Wild: It had to be fate that we submitted these at the same time. Blame it on Galileo or Figaro. No apology necessary, of course - there's enough Rhapsody for every Bohemian to share. I dug your version, by the way.
Melhi: Before you forward this to everyone on your mailing list, check with your senator, because I've heard they're going to impose a tax of five cents per email (to bail out the struggling post office).
Adagio - September 25, 2003 - Report this comment
Spaff, I really LOVED this parody! Never thought of putting a recipe in a parody before...geez...what WORK!! :D
Adagio - September 25, 2003 - Report this comment
I was so caught up in the music that I forgot to say 5's from me.
Diva - September 25, 2003 - Report this comment
Super Spaffy. Everyone hates spam. I commend you for being original with a nagging subject.
Claude Prez - September 25, 2003 - Report this comment
You nailed it Bub. Claude out.
Billy Florio - September 25, 2003 - Report this comment
Great job Spaff!
Stockton - September 25, 2003 - Report this comment
HOLY CRAP!!! Someone voted straight 2s. It wasn't me, I gave you a straight 5. You diserved it. The 2-man must've gave it to you because they suck at writing!
Phil Alexander - September 26, 2003 - Report this comment
Very clever, Spaff - loved the recipe :-)
Jeff Reuben - September 26, 2003 - Report this comment
Excellent!
Sweet Indigo - September 29, 2003 - Report this comment
I laughed so hard... Absolutely fantastic and perfect pacing (as usual. You're sickening.)
Guy DiRito - September 29, 2003 - Report this comment
Excellent Spaff! Great subject as well. 5s all the way.
Spaff.com - October 08, 2003 - Report this comment
Sorry for the delayed reaction. Thanks for the love, Adagio & Diva & C4P & Billy & Stock & Philbo & J-Reu & Sweets & Guy! Now that I'm back among the wired, I'll try to catch up on y'all's stuff.
Johnny D - October 27, 2003 - Report this comment
Spaff, love them cookies! 5's all the way.
Spaff.com - March 01, 2004 - Report this comment
More belated thanks to Johnny D, who is a true urban legend.
Billy Florio - August 04, 2004 - Report this comment
Still love the recipe part
Spaff.com - August 25, 2004 - Report this comment
Thanx again, Billy Don't Be A Florio.
Jake - May 01, 2007 - Report this comment
Nice one. The legend is not even nearly true, as NM doesn't accept visa as outlined in the story. In fact, I'm suspicious of Saks.
Spaff.com - August 18, 2007 - Report this comment
Thanx, Jake. I'm suspicious of sax players.

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