"The problem's my mother," my young
patients say to me;
"She is the reason that I'm
Here in therapy;
I need your help, 'cause ever
Since the age of three,
I just can't ...
Find a way to please my mother"

I say, "Just stop right there, spare
Me your history, I can
Save us both a lot of time, I'll
Even waive my fee. It's all a
Matter of basic 'Mom and
Pop' Psychology,
'Cause I've got
Nifty ways to please your mother,
Nifty ways to please your mother"

[CHORUS]
"Just give her a call, Paul
Show her you care, Mare
Try a big hug, Doug
And do something sweet...
Give her a gift, Cliff
But what does she need, Eve?
Just say "I love you", Stu --
Her favorite treat...

My patients say, "Mom gets to
Me like no one can -- she'll criti-
cize my clothes, my job, my house,
My cooking and my man;
I say, "I appreciate that...
But you need to think through
All the nifty ways..."

"Why don't you go on home and
Try to think it through, and I have
Faith when Mothers' Day arrives, you'll
Take my point of view; and with that
Insight, I know that you will
Know just what to do,
And choose some
Nifty ways to please your mother,
Nifty ways to please your mother"

CHORUS
Just finish up school, Jule
Get a good job, Rob
Find a nice mate, Nate --
A husband or wife...
Be a success, Bess
But try hard to stress less
Just live happily, Lee
And have a good life

Here's a good plan, Fran:
Get off the pill, Jill
Have your own kid, Syd
We'll see what you say...
Yes, make Mom a Gram, Pam
Have kids of your own, Joan
And then you will see, Lee
Why Moms are that way...