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Song Parodies -> "Please Vista™ Please (Microsoft®)"

Original Song Title:

"Please Mr. Please"

Original Performer:

Olivia Newton-John

Parody Song Title:

"Please Vista™ Please (Microsoft®)"

Parody Written by:

Tommy Turtle

The Lyrics

SKIP THE GEEKY FOOTNOTES unless you are seriously interested in some Windows™ history and trivia. Let's just say I write them for my own amusement, 'k? :-)

OS lyrics here. Olivia Newton-John video here. Karaoke-style parody video by TJC here.
In the corner of the den sits my computer
With an operating system that's brand new
Now I fear some jive "exception" when I boot her
And a bloody scream at screen of death of blue

Since I ditched my good ol' XP™: Gross encounter!
After seven years, they had it running well
But that Vista-pushin' Bill G. splayed his bug throng
And here I am stuck in computer hell

Please, Vista, please, don't pop up on the screen
No more errors, no more "access violations"
Geez, Vista, geez, you've foobarred my machine
I will never buy a new OS again!

If I had a dime for every time it's frozen
Or been in shop, though under warranty
I would swear I'd be as rich as Redmond's rich guy
With the money that he stole from you and me

How I wish that Bill would get his act together
'Cause in his cleft, I'd love to shove up his behind
DVDs of installation (rotate sideways)
Say, "So long" and reinstall "Win '99"! [1]

Please, Vista, please, had enough of that scene
No more printing; message hinting: "Missing driver"
Cheese, Vista, cheese! Should be thrown in latrine
"Windows 7"? Think I'll wait for "Windows 10!"

[1] actually, properly titled "Windows 98 Second Edition™"; (commonly, "98 SE"), even though it was released in May of 1999, because the First Edtion -- yer not gonna believe this, folks! -- was too full of bugs to be tolerable. 98 SE, which was on TT's first puter, was much better than the first try --as usual.

"The release of Windows 98 was preceded by a notable press demonstration at Comdex in April 1998. Microsoft CEO Bill Gates was highlighting the operating system's ease of use and enhanced support for Plug and Play (PnP). However, when presentation assistant Chris Capossela plugged a scanner in and attempted to install it, the operating system crashed, displaying a Blue Screen of Death. Gates remarked after applause and cheering from the audience, "That must be why we're not shipping Windows 98 yet." Video footage of this event became a popular Internet phenomenon."

TT refused to buy new "XP" when released in 2001, knowing by now, "Never buy Microsoft's first version of *anything". (They test it on us.) By the time the old puter died, in 2005, XP had gone through two Service Packs and four years of patching, and was actually pretty good. Of course, they had originally targeted the new system, Vista, to be released in 2003. It kept getting pushed farther and farther back -- thank goodness -- so that XP had time to stabilize and mature. It is the longest-lived MS OS ever, partly because of the numerous screw-ups in getting Vista out, partly because when the end of support for XP was first announced, there was a firestorm of protest. Its support date has been repeatedly extended, and if you look carefully, you can still find new computers with XP on it. Or, like TT''s 2008 purchase, with Vista pre-installed, but with disks to upgrade it to XP. (Microsoft calls that a "downgrade". Ha!C; So this is fictional. -- have never used Vista; heard many wails from those whe did. Need a Win puter? Find an XP, or wait for Windows 7™ later this year -- TT has a high-tech contact who's been beta-testing (pre-public-release testing) Win 7 for a year and a half, and says it's a great improvement over Vista. It will also be the first MS OS ever to use fewer resources (less memory, less hard drive space) than its predecessor, the resource-hog subject of this song.

Windows, Windows 98, Windows 98 Second Edition, Windows XP, Windows Vista, and Windows 7 (working title only; will probably get a marketing name when released) all ® Microsoft, Redmond, Washington, USA. All else © 2009 Tommy Turtle. All rights reserved. E-mail:

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Voting Results

Pacing: 5.0
How Funny: 5.0
Overall Rating: 5.0

Total Votes: 5

Voting Breakdown

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    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   0
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 3   0
 4   0
 5   5

User Comments

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alvin - July 01, 2009 - Report this comment
funny...yeah, not a huge fan of vista....hadn't thought about this OS in a while
Mark Scotti - July 01, 2009 - Report this comment
Isn't it a piece of crap? Great MICROBASH, turtle!!! Error code 555...
Phil Alexander - July 01, 2009 - Report this comment
Been there.. done that.. got the OS - I didn't upgrade to XP until I wanted to do video editing for my "Body Hair" vid, which is only a couple of years ago now. Most MS OSs just about reach a bug-free stability at the point where the "replacement" comes out. Just think, there are probably some impatient techo-freaks out there who have only ever used bug-ridden versions of Windows
Panoramanoic Vista - July 01, 2009 - Report this comment
Loved it, loved it, TT! This gem inspires me, excites me, perhaps even to the point of premature submittulation! And just think--in a few months you'll have all new fodder for your ire when Windows 7 hits the (now nearly metaphorical) shelves!
AFW - July 01, 2009 - Report this comment
High tech humor
Tommy Turtle - July 01, 2009 - Report this comment
alvin: thanks -- ya always got TT to resuscitate the oldies lol! :)

Mark Scotti: So long as it's not a 404, I'm good with that :-) thanks for v/c, Mark!

Phil Alexander: Sorry to take almost two years to have fulfilled your request at, but you know, the product was full of bugs, had to do beta testing and several RC versions before I could finally post it -- so it's not quite as late as Vista itself was -- and hopefully, of better quality :)
"Most MS OSs just about reach a bug-free stability at the point where the "replacement" comes out."
Yep. Sheer dumb luck (or just sheer dumbness) that they were so way over schedule with Vista that XP had a chance to mature... bought the second machine in '08, not because I needed it, but so I'd have a backup XP machine until the next stable version of Win. ...since they're dumping Vista for 7 this fall, 7 should be good in about 2012 or 2013, so I'm covered.

As for your question to the 1-week-old n00b on 6 Feb 2006, "so are you some kind of techie, TT?", the answer was, not then, but I guess I are one now... volunteering as tech support rep and forum moderator at the support forum for the world's best browser security tool, which I can't sp*m-mention here, even though it's Scot-free (do they say "Scot-free", meaning "no strings attached, completely free" in the UK?). Recently was kindly credited on the Net for beta-testing and contributing feedback to its latest major enhancement. Thanks for v/c, Phil, and sorry it took so long -- but the parody stands on much more solid ground now than it would have shortly after V's release, no?

Panoramanoic Vista: Is that like Panoramamania, or Paranoiarama? lol... and while a lady may be miffed at a guy's premature anything, she should at least be flattered that he finds her that exciting :-) so will take the premature submittulation in that vein (ouch!) ... I believe that prematurewhatever can be prevented by applying a small amount of local anaesthetic, anything that ends in "cain", or so I've heard. ...
as for 7, see (typically long-winded) comment to Phil A, above (it wouldn't be below, would it? d'oh): Better to wait for legit feedback from home users of 7 before ripping it (so to speak), and word from high-tech friend is that 7 is a big improvement, as mentioned in the footnotes. Oh, wait, no one was supposed to *read* the footnotes -- sorry. Thanks for v/c, PV (PerVert?)!

AFW, yeah, but too true to be funny :-( .. thanks for v/c, AFW.

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