Blind dates kind of bite
Smash up the illusion that I'll find a Mrs. Right
Blind dates kind of bite
They suck like a douche that's made of vinegar and Sprite
Blind dates kind of bite...

Scammin' online, sometimes chat rooms can be fun times
And one time I found this minx
"There's romance in these pants," she said, "Wanna country dance?"
Well DUH - we met for drinks
'Round her shoulders was this holder, shoring up her boulders
It slipped while whirling around
As she rushed to adjust it, she thrust it, it busted
And her double-D's crashed to the ground

Yeah her double-D's crashed to the ground
I screamed - and

Blind dates kind of bite
Jack up the delusion that I'm gettin' some tonight
Blind dates kind of bite
Rack up the confusion: is it love or merely spite?
Blind dates kind of bite...

My dimwitted sister lined me up with a fister
Showed up with gerbils and flares
She said "I'll turn you on son like a Vegas sign -
Clip these wires to your nostril hairs"
This low-carb blowhard, she stole and charged my credit cards
Another "freed" my birds outside
This firestarter martyr came by in a veil and garter
And asked me if I needed a bride

Asked me if I needed a bride
I freaked - and

Blind dates kind of bite
They jump to conclusions that you carry parasites
Blind dates kind of bite

Think I'll drown in this cesspool called love
It's there to make ya lose your mind
It's gonna make ya
Lose your pride

[Extended instrumental break, presumably to avoid more of Springsteen's lyrics]

(But mating, that's where the fun is)
(Er, dating, that's where the fun is)

Mama always told me not to pay too much for Asian massage
But Mama, that's where your son is

[Asian massage interlude: "Chopsticks"]

Some no-bath polymath telepathic psychopath
Torched my pick-up truck
These Atkins-y bratty twins, real as calfskin mannequins
Said that all my records suck
Then the cutest absolutist and the Buddhist nudist flutist
Got blitzed and shot my cow
And the high-class tight-ass rhinoplastic pederast
She gave me gas - don't ask how

Yep, those double-D's crashed to the ground
I peed - and

Blind dates kind of bite
Smash up the illusion that I'll find a Mrs. Right
Blind dates kind of bite
They suck like a douche that's made of rum and Miller Lite

[Now the tricky part. Continue to sing the chorus over and over and over while SIMULTANEOUSLY singing random lines from the verses. Switch 'em up, change words, whatever. It helps to be heavily medicated. You'll know it's time to stop when you get to this line:]

She said "I'll turn it on son - your electric thong"

[Now wrap up with a Jerry Springer Final Thought:]

We get down, but it's worse for you girls
We're Dr. Jekylls
You should Hyde