Want to catch my shepherd’s eye, but Howard doesn’t count me
A little recognition please, it’s not like I want fame
I’m sweet and soft and woolly, but he don’t care about me
I’ve got this dark suspicion he thinks we all look the same

I’d have jumped a fence for him whenever he was dreaming
But some fleeced-up harlot always seemed to take my place
Then finally it got too much and I just felt like screaming
So I walked up to him and bleated in his face

“Followed your ass up the hill and down the pass
‘Cause I always do just what I’m told
Howard here I am, let me be your little lamb
My love for you is worth its weight in gold
So won’t you welcome me into your fold?”

In the summer I believed he finally started caring
Wrestled me upon the ground and sheared my little ‘hind
And while he gathered up my fleece well I just lay there staring
I lost my wool to him… man, he blew my mind!

But after that he brushed me off, and I felt like he’d used me
Just ‘wham, bam and thank you lamb’ was all he thought we’d had
But then I thought about it, and it no longer confused me
He was keeping his head down in case the other girls got mad!

Followed his ass up the hill and down the pass
Proved beyond a doubt my love was true
Knowing deep inside he’d be wearing soon with pride
The spoils of our secret rendezvous
Oh Howard, soon I’d be all over you!

When he wore that new sweater that’s when I became unstable
It smelled unfamiliar and I knew he’d been astray
So while he slept that night I read the name upon the label
And some bitch called Poly Ester had gone and stolen him away!

As I recalled how I’d succumbed to him in sweet surrender
I couldn’t hold my anger back, or wait until the morn’
I butted him real hard where I know he’s most soft and tender
‘Cause Hell aint got no fury like a ewe that has been shorn!
And I said to him,

“I followed your ass up the hill and down the pass
And now I find you’ve been out on the pull?
Well no-one fleeces me and then just walks away scot-free
You just seduced me with a load of bull
So Howard, you aint getting no more wool!”

Now I’ve laid him down to sleep, so Howard doesn’t count me…!