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Song Parodies -> "Suicidal Anus (Plea from A*S*S)"

Original Song Title:

"Suicide Is Painless (Theme from M*A*S*H)"

Original Performer:

Kenny Primus (written by Michael Altman)

Parody Song Title:

"Suicidal Anus (Plea from A*S*S)"

Parody Written by:

Red Ant

The Lyrics

DKTOS? Complete lyrics and author credits here. The "short" version of the song is available here. The other day I was thinking: if each part of your body was a person, which one would be most likely to commit suicide? That's right, your chocolate starfish, and for the reasons listed below.
The things I've seen pass 'fore my eye
All my "kids" have said goodbye
I'm always damp and never dry
Oh how I wish that I could die.....

A Suicidal Anus
It's time to make some changes
I'm tired of pushin', pullin' when you squeeze...

I've come to know that no one cares
Enough to bleach their underwear
So I'm stuck 'between a pair
I want out 'cause life's not fair........

Suicidal Anus! (poo aside!)
Don't think that I am brainless (or aimless)
See, I have thought you never met my needs.......

I always deal with so much shit
(You do not know the halves of it!)
In the dark is where I sit
Think it's time to call it quits......

Suicidal Anus!
My role has been forsaken
And I can't take, just leave it, when you squeeze...

All alone's my biggest fear
I'm only checked out once a year
I'm just a pain in your rear
Think I should check out of here....

Suicidal Anus!
My life is FAR from painless!
And I just want out of my misery....

There is no doo-ty I've enjoyed!
And most time's I'm unemployed
High fiber foods you avoid
Now I'm just a hole, destroyed....

Suicidal Anus!
My work is hardly shameless
And I just want out of this, finally....

They say the truth will set you free
So I'm speaking honestly
And my final words are these:
"Enjoy your colostomy!"...

(in place of the last chorus, the anus tries to end its life....)




*what the...?*


*oh no...*


"Drats, I don't have any hands. IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING!!"
copyright 2007+ Jack "Red Ant" Fletcher No anuses were harmed in the making of this, my 300th, parody.

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Original Song: 
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Voting Results

Pacing: 4.8
How Funny: 4.7
Overall Rating: 4.7

Total Votes: 22

Voting Breakdown

The following represent how many people voted for each category.

    Pacing How Funny Overall Rating
 1   1
 2   0
 3   0
 4   1
 5   20

User Comments

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Jason - September 04, 2007 - Report this comment
Flippin' 'eck Jack! I wonder what poomaster would think if he came across this! Im still a bit scared to write a parody with this level of language! It was great though. I liked it.
Matthias - September 04, 2007 - Report this comment
Life must be a pain in the butt for a butt.
Agrimorfee - September 04, 2007 - Report this comment
Jonathan S. is gonna have a sh**-fit! Totally sick, dude, but totally creative.
Below Average Dave - September 04, 2007 - Report this comment
I can't believe it, you actually did it, I thought you were joking. . .wow Top Notch Parody
alvin - September 04, 2007 - Report this comment
now here's a novel
AFW - September 04, 2007 - Report this comment
Creative concept, don't recall any idea anywhere near to this..quite novel
TJC - September 04, 2007 - Report this comment
Wholly commendable! (AFW's analysis is as usual, right on)
John Jenkins - September 05, 2007 - Report this comment
What Agrimorfee said, but the creativity definitely outweighs the sickness!
stuart mcarthur - September 05, 2007 - Report this comment
loved the idea, loved the parody, Jack, and especially loved the title sub - I guess an anus would just slash its haemorrhoids wouldn't it?
Kristof Robertson - September 05, 2007 - Report this comment
I've been known to talk out my arse from time to time, this strikes a chord with me. A very funny 555
Phil Alexander - September 05, 2007 - Report this comment
Piles of fun
Kristof Robertson - September 05, 2007 - Report this comment
Oh, and congrats on 300! In 2-3 months I'll be joining ya....
PMS - September 05, 2007 - Report this comment
I hole-heartedly agree with all of the above. And in the spirit of the song as I read the comments I couldn't help but notice that the first four letters in analysis are A-N-A-L...
Red Ant - September 05, 2007 - Report this comment
From the bottom of my bowels, err, heart, thanks Jason & Matthias & Aggy & Dave & Alvin & AFW & TJC & John & Stu & Kristof & Phil & PMS.

Jason: "Level of language"? I only used one four syllable word...

Aggy: Apparently not. Wonders never cease.

Stu: If only it had hands... I suppose it could squeeze one 'til it popped and basically have an embolism though, lol.

Kristof: Thanks for noticing the 300, much appreciated.

Thanks all for the novel and creative comments as well. I wasn't sure how this was gonna fly, but I see it is possible to write a funny parody about suicide. I'm going to celebrate with a razor blade and snake venom enema! Bottoms up!(j/k)
Peter Andersson - September 08, 2007 - Report this comment
An un-jubil-ant jubilee song! :-)
Adagio - September 20, 2007 - Report this comment
Congrats on 300, Jack!! This parody is from an unexpected point of view....and very good! 5's
Trapper John - September 22, 2007 - Report this comment
This would prove that Elvis is not dead. He's just on "pot". Er - Bad pun, I know , but great parody, Jack - Keep up the great work and congrats on reaching 300.
Max Power - October 21, 2007 - Report this comment
McKludge - October 27, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) - kinda reminds me about the South Park episode where Oprah's va-jayjay and bunghole (Mingy and Gary) took hostages. Not one of their better episodes.
bobpiecheese - October 29, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Apalling. Oops, don't mind me, just speaking out my arse (or making a Monty Python reference, take your pic ;P). Brilliant job, Red Ant!
Jason - October 29, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) I agree with Agri! Jonathan S. is gonna have a heart attack when he sees this!
stuart mcarthur - October 30, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) see above, and this is very funny Jack - the lilting rhythm of the OS makes it funnier - but I love the bizarreness of this idea mostly (in fact I'd be surprised to meet a non-suicidal anus, let alone a content-and-satisfied one - except after a Thai meal, which would be like 4th of July for anuses)
Below Average Dave ( - October 31, 2007 - Report this comment
(SOTM) Laughing at Stuart's comment as much as the song. You know what I think of this one from phone conversations Jack, totally off the wall funny--I love it. And my anus doesn't feel so alone anymore.
Mikey Squirrel - October 31, 2007 - Report this comment
SOTM- Hilarious! Wonderful title sub and very interesting subject matter. It reminds me of a South Park episode where Oprah's vagina and butt hole are complaining how they're neglected and end up taking hostages, and when her anus is killed by a sniper, you hear the sound of.. well.. 'crapulence' Good job, Red Ant.
Red Ant - November 05, 2007 - Report this comment
Thanks Peter & Pat & T.J. & Max & McKludge & T-Cop & Jason & Stu & Dave & Mikey!

Mikey and McKludge: Although I'm an avid (rabid?) fan of South Park, I have not seen that episode, even as of now. I'll try to check it out when I can.

Stu: And Mexican food, too. On this family friendly board, I can't repeat what I did to a poor, unsuspecting toilet over the weekend. The anus may be suicidal, but the toilet was probably thinking Columbine was a Fisher-Price Christmas commercial... or that it was assaulted like an insurgent in Fallujah by a Blackhawk helicopter.

Dave: I'm glad your anus doesn't feel so alone anymore.. =)

Pat and TJ: Thanks for noticing the 300. Pat: If your anus ever starts talking to you, let alone starts singing, be afraid, be VERY afraid. =)

T-Cop: A MP reference. I so need to watch all the movies again... thanks!
Glen S - December 05, 2007 - Report this comment
Good work, Red. There has to been a self-help group where he can meet other anuses and discuss some of his issues. enjoyed 'no one cares/underwear' and the chorus
Jack "Red Ant" Fletcher - February 25, 2008 - Report this comment
Belated thanks, Glen.

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